Why do men like detachment

— Here you are, psychologists, teach you to notice your feelings, to be sincere, not to be afraid of vulnerability. But men do not need any of this.

— Why do you think so?

I don’t think, but I know. Yesterday I was talking to a friend. Clever, beautiful, excellent student who loved her boyfriend very much. She was already like a family in his family, they celebrated all the holidays together. And what is the result? He abandoned her in one day, blocked her everywhere and did not even begin to explain the reason.

— Maybe something happened?

— No, she called his mother and asked. He just found another — a rich and narcissistic bitch, with a million followers on Instagram (an extremist organization banned in Russia). She doesn’t even love him, condescends to him. And he runs around her and catches every word. Such is the story.

“We don’t know the details of their relationship, so I wouldn’t judge so by the words of your friend. She is offended, she has her own vision.

— Let’s admit it. But after all and at me similar was how many times. Gets acquainted, calls, writes, beautifully looks after. As soon as you pay attention to him, show care in return, so he begins to disappear. Yesterday he filled up with messages, and today he is constantly busy. Then it stops responding altogether. You start to move away, he is right there. What kind of catch-ups are these?

After all, the truth is all the time, both in men and in women. A couple lives, everyone says behind their backs: “What a cool man she got. And a handsome man, and earns, and does not look at other women, but everything is not right for her. He gives her a car for her wedding anniversary, and she gives him cologne. What did he see in her?

You can also remember the classics. The poet Konstantin Simonov wrote to his beloved, actress Valentina Serova: “Wait for me, and I will return,” but she did not expect him at all. But when she ceased to be a star, he immediately left her. Maybe men only want bitches?

Psychotypes

Not everyone strives for intimacy, openness and psychic integrity, although they may say and believe otherwise. Growing up, people for the most part exacerbate neurosis, building up mental defenses in response to pain, betrayal and disappointment. Indeed, in their lives, many have burned themselves and wept bitterly. I will list some psychotypes and their defenses that are incompatible with intimacy.

1. Narcissistic

Who is this handsome, in an expensive car, in branded clothes, inviting you to a pretentious restaurant and talking all evening about his achievements? He is the narcissist. A representative of this psychotype first finds an inaccessible partner, and then tries to reach him. This phase is called «idealization».

If over time the chosen woman remains distant and impregnable, like Naina from Ruslan and Lyudmila, then the man over the years of unrequited love becomes richer and more attractive, trying to jump to the star.

If a woman suddenly thaws and begins to move towards him, he immediately turns on the opposite phase called «devaluation». And everything that was beautiful in her before, gradually becomes terrible.

There is a simple explanation for this. The narcissist unconsciously devalues ​​himself, not you, he does not believe that someone worthy can love him. Accordingly, if you fell in love, then something is clearly wrong with you.

2. Schizoid

Remember the story of the Little Prince about the Fox? There are words about this man. “You have to be patient,” Fox replied. “First, sit over there, a little way off, on the grass. Like this. I will look askance at you, and you keep quiet. But every day, sit a little closer…”

Such a man is smart, deep and seemingly unemotional. He will not run after anyone, at most sometimes he will appear and demonstrate very subtle signs of attention. Why thin? Because behind the external coldness is hidden exceptional sensitivity and vulnerability, thanks to which he easily captures your needs.

You begin to think that a man is shy, afraid to take a decisive step, so you can force things on your own. As soon as you begin to energetically approach each other, the former admirer will quickly disappear for a long time or forever.

He needs a lot of personal space, his main defense against excessive exposure is detachment, that is, distance, withdrawal into loneliness and the inner world of fantasies. As you understand, the point is not your alleged obsession and not femininity, but his impossibility to be with someone for a long time at close range and in close emotional contact.

3. Masochistic

A kind, responsible and often suffering person who always takes on the most dreary and thankless work. Starting to show signs of attention to him, you will soon notice behavior that provokes you to aggression. The fan will begin to forget promises, sabotage, be late. All this will continue and even get worse until you start threatening a breakup, a quarrel and other punishments.

This is the unconscious dynamic here. He has a conviction in his head that one must try hard and for a long time, endure pain and humiliation in order to prevent the onset of something more painful. He seems to punish himself, avoiding punishment from outside.

Accordingly, when you begin to behave warmly and caringly, he tries to restore the usual picture of the world with his behavior. Again, it’s not that you want a lot, press hard and find fault too much, but that you just don’t show enough toughness and sadism.

Determine what you need

Do you want to win

Then you should understand what type he belongs to, how it is better to behave with him, so that he falls in love and wallows at his feet. I will not dissuade you, but happiness is unlikely to await you along this path. Partings, personal growth, tragedies — there will be a lot of this, but there will be no happiness.

First, it’s hard to pretend all the time. Secondly, the acting profession requires talent and skill. Thirdly, the understanding that they do not love you, but a mask, reduces self-esteem and worries. The most important thing is that in the end, the beloved will go to a real bitch, who does not have to pretend.

Do you like to be a bitch

You realized that being cold and rejecting is comfortable and familiar to you, men love you precisely for this. You don’t want to play the good girl anymore. Fine, relax and don’t impersonate anyone. You will have a lot of admirers from the types listed above. Why is that? You immediately remind them of the mother, who at one time launched all their psychodynamics.

You want close and trusting relationships

In this case, it is necessary to open up, give feedback on the actions of the partner, indicate expectations from the relationship, observe and draw conclusions. If this is not the first or even the third time you find yourself in a painful situation with the same man, then it’s time to take decisive action.

For example, he promised to call — he disappeared, today he declared his love, but tomorrow he does not notice. It still hurts you, you tell your partner about it, he regrets, but soon everything repeats. Remember the phrase: «Judge the intention by the result.» Most likely, you will not be able to have a sincere and reliable relationship with this person. If that’s what you want, then look elsewhere.

How to build trusting relationships?

1. Find a personal script of behavior

If you manage to find representatives of a certain type everywhere, then you have scenario behavior. Most likely, you are looking for the love of a parent, which was lacking in childhood. Think about it, have you ever been in love with each other for a long time? If not, then perhaps part of your game is to choose obviously inappropriate men.

2. Decide on a familiar role

Remember how you usually get acquainted, under what circumstances you fall in love and how you break up. For example: “When I first saw him, I didn’t like him at all”, “He courted me for a long time, I did not pay attention to him. Then he left, and I realized that I love”, “He immediately began to tell me how the previous girl left him, and I realized that I wanted to help him.” Set these milestones for yourself.

3. Heal with new experiences

No amount of analysis or conversation without follow-up leads to change. For something to change, you have to behave differently. At this stage, the most interesting usually begins.

Suppose you realized at the last step that you were choosing the wrong men or that you were launching a negative scenario with your behavior. After that, they decided to behave differently and immediately absolutely unconsciously chose the least suitable partner (phenomenon of the wife of an alcoholic). Everything is fine, your defenses are trying to preserve the familiar picture of the world. The main thing here is not to give up and try again.

4. Date

Fortunately, now dating sites, Tinder and other dating applications make it easy to find new partners. Meet and date. Train. Watch your reactions, the dynamics of relationships, changes.

Try to choose an unusual type. For example, you like hooligans with a cheeky smile, biceps. Then, for a change, decide to go to an exhibition with an intelligent professor. If you don’t like it, you can learn a lot of new things. If you are exhausted in the old scenario and want a new relationship, try and don’t give up.