Why do men choose some women and pass by others (V. Berkhin)

Why is a man ready to be with one woman, but categorically not ready with another? This answer is actually extremely simple and obvious if we take the situation in its simplicity, without spiritual convolutions, mystical circumstances and historically established relationships. And my mother gave this answer many years ago, having trained directness of expression and weight of tone in the course of raising three sons alone. When one friend was worried that no one wanted to marry her, her mother said: “Because a wife is a help, not a burden. What kind of help are you? Only one burden. Nobody is taking it. Why does someone need an extra burden in life?

The discouraging and not very pleasant truth, but what to do? This is life, that’s how it is.

At the same time, I ask you to take into account — «only an insurance policy can give you a guarantee.» In other words, I don’t know the recipe for “how a woman can forever bind a man to herself,” and no one knows. The plan may not work, circumstances may not work out, and happiness may not come.

So why do men choose some women and pass by others? Two simple rules — and both are important.

First, apophatic.

Mom’s statement, I’ll tell you a big secret, is very true. After a rather short period of adolescence, when hormones and adolescent complexes work instead of the brain, a normal man suddenly finds out that he does not need women. Well, not that they are not needed at all, but they are not his main life goal. Making a cool art project, winning a marathon, or becoming a deputy general manager is more interesting than just attracting the attention of a beauty. In addition, all this, ultimately, affects the beauty more effectively than just “courting”.

At some point, a man realizes that success in life, in principle, is not very determined by the length of his companion’s legs and the fat content of her borscht, although he is perfectly complemented by them. That the choice between a smart book and an obscure woman is much easier and more economical to make in favor of a book. That even without sex, in general, you can live, but without money, friends or your favorite music — you can’t.

The constant need for women’s support, women’s approval, women’s acceptance is a sign of a weak man. A womanizer in most cases is a coward — and that is why he endlessly proves to himself and others that he is actually hoo. But a normal man does not really need a woman as such, I repeat. (In general, please remember that the phrase “I need you” is said by addictive male individuals. And he needs, as you might have guessed, not in you, but in mom and an object for approval.)

No, it is better, of course, when there is a woman, even much better, especially if this is the right woman. But the main life tasks of a man are somewhere else. Not because women are somehow worse than men, dumber, weaker. It’s just the way the world works.

In the end, repeated observations confirm the opposite fact: as soon as a girl stops fooling herself with chasing men, worries about their lack of attention, and finally begins to take care of herself, and approach matrimonial issues purely technologically, then, as a rule, all her «problems in her personal life» are quickly and clearly resolved. A little beauty and a little sanity is enough with the right attitude in life.

Therefore, the first important rule — do not interfere with a man to do his business, but rather — become a useful part of them. Don’t be a burden to him. And it is not at all necessary to be a coach in his sport or an accountant in his company — it is much more important and useful, as practice shows, to inspire and support. As one writer said, the right woman escorts a man to work as if to war, and meets him from work as from war, and the rest of the time she does not pay any attention to him.

The second rule, oddly enough, contradicts the first in many ways: be yourself. Involving in other people’s affairs, do not dissolve in them. Don’t try to play any game «for him» unless specifically stated. Besides the fact that such games are tedious, they also do not give a long-term effect. More precisely, on games, on adaptability, on the bare “it’s necessary” and “it’s supposed to be,” on artificially created tension and invented feelings, you can live for quite a long time — but only for someone who deceives himself somewhere or does not understand himself.

Gu.e. speaking, an alcoholic will never leave a co-dependent savior, and a womanizer will never leave the one who «decided not to notice anything.» And in general, marriage on the verge of divorce is the most durable, and there is nothing more stable than indifference in the world.

But if you start to adapt, cheating on yourself, then an adequate man will instantly feel tension or manipulation — and quite naturally he will start to break out of an uncomfortable relationship, and this will not end well.

Because a normal person, regardless of gender, distinguishes deep relationships from functional ones. A person needs a person, and the performer of a social role (“fighting girlfriend”, “lover”, “comforter”, “household partner”, “object of care”, and so on) is not so difficult to change. Including the performer of the role of wife. Irreplaceable, eternally only authentic.

True, you will have to pay for authenticity with instability: it is natural for a living thing to develop. But this is a small price. Because in addition to the chance not just to be around for a long time, you will get the opportunity to live with your loved one, and not just “interact more or less successfully”.

Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov

Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.