Why do men and women show tenderness differently?

When men talk about women, the topic of tenderness is very rare. And in general, this word does not often sound in the psychological space, although this is one of the most complete and vivid experiences that we can have for another person.

Tenderness is the threshold of love and at the same time a very important part of it.

Having tried to define in words what tenderness is, I ran into a difficulty – the definition stubbornly slipped away and did not want to be clothed in words and formulations, all the time turning into experiences and feelings.

Tenderness is the desire to hug, the ability to feel the breath and heartbeat of a loved one. Look into the eyes directly and not at all burdened by this long contact of glances. This is a warm, velvety feeling of quiet joy, flooding the chest, slightly squeezing the breath and forcing you to breathe deeper.

This is openness – in tenderness a person glows from the inside, there is no usual defensive-alert tension in the body in him. Hence – sensitivity to the slightest movement of the body, light stroking, trembling.

Tenderness is an experience of the fragility and vulnerability of another, a careful attitude towards him. Tenderness requires gentleness, but this is not a synonym for weakness.

Why is it difficult for men to show affection?

Tenderness is a stumbling block for many men. This feeling is rejected by them, because it is impossible without vulnerability and the rejection of role-playing, in which a man is a stone wall, a confident pillar who does not care about “all this nonsense.”

Tenderness, in which you try to keep yourself as “solid”, turns into a patronizing attitude – this is what men usually transform tenderness into. But in tenderness it is impossible to be a solid support, support through tenderness is a soft pillow under the head, and not a hard floor on the floor.

The place of denied and repressed tenderness for a woman is filled with sexual excitement, lust as the only strong experience directed at a woman.

However, if in tenderness the other person is experienced as a significant subject, then in excitement objectification occurs, the transformation of the other into a significant object, thing.

A flaring passion for an unfamiliar woman objectifies her, one wants to master her, and in the mind of the “thirsty” she differs little from the thing.

In many men, tenderness and lust bifurcate, and for one woman they experience tenderness, and for another – a strong and aggressive attraction, in which there is no concern for the feelings and experiences of the object of this attraction.

A mature, formed erotic feeling combines tenderness and passion into a single stream, from which it “blows the roof off.” The bifurcation of this stream in one of its extreme manifestations leads to the “Madonna-harlot complex”, when some women are “for love”, and others are “for sex”.

The combination of excitement and tenderness leads to the fact that activity passes from excitement to tenderness, and from tenderness to excitement – care for a partner, which forms love.

Tenderness for a woman, if allowed to develop freely, begins to be accompanied by an erotic feeling. If left unchecked, it can turn into arousal based on the experience of intimacy and intimacy. This is a much more powerful feeling than lust for a woman for whom you do not feel tenderness.

“I like to communicate with her, but I have almost no sexual desire …” – “And what desire then is there?” – “I want to hug her carefully …” – “Do you feel that when you want to hug her?” – “Some kind of feeling is very warm … She is so vulnerable, warm … And it’s strange – when I remember this, I have a desire …”

If tenderness is perceived as a feeling “unworthy” of a real man, shame arises. Tenderness is based on attachment, and if attachment is frightening and associated with the loss of freedom, then the reaction to a feeling of tenderness may be vague anxiety, fear.

In both cases, tenderness can be “protected” by devaluing either this feeling or the partner himself. There is an impoverishment of emotional contact with a woman.

Once I heard a sad confession: “I don’t know what to do with a woman, except for sex” …

As if you can’t talk to a woman about topics that concern you, you can’t be relaxed, you can’t seek support in difficult times, help her and feel strong and needed at the same time.

When tenderness becomes too much

Tenderness allows you to go beyond your own boundaries, to overcome the original, existential loneliness. This is both its great strength and weakness.

When there is too much tenderness, the other person again turns into an object on which so many warm feelings are poured out that one already wants to move away, irritation arises, turning into anger.

This is already a prelude to complete merging, the transformation of tenderness into something else, when only one’s own desire to express accumulated feelings, ignoring the response, matters.

It is similar to how some of us were simply raped by our parents in childhood with this “other tenderness”, demanding that we kiss our aunt, who grabbed us in her arms and did not let go for a long time, ignoring our desire to move away.

Tenderness without fusion is a mutual experience in which we feel our partner and respond to his movements, even if this movement is a withdrawal.

Where fusion occurs, tenderness is transformed into other experiences. For example, in tenderness, for which the reaction of the one to whom this tenderness is directed is generally unimportant: from squeezing a baby, who is already fed up with it, to a frightened animal, which is passed from hand to hand with “cute” experiences.

“Since I like it and I feel such good feelings, then you, the object of my feelings, should rejoice and feel something similar.”

How do men show affection for each other?

This is a different story. The tenderness of men for each other is not colored sexually, but is inhibited much more than tenderness for a woman.

All these rude hugs, pushes on the shoulder, handshakes with a preliminary swing of the hand, constant “jokes” at each other – this is a disguise of the very tenderness that cannot be expressed directly.

This is difficult not only because it is associated with femininity or homosexuality, but also because most men do not have such a model from childhood: their fathers rarely showed them tenderness.

Mothers can love and caress their “beloved boys”, and fathers often restrain their feelings towards their sons so that they “do not grow up soft-bodied.” And you can express your feelings only through clumsy hugs or comments-praise. If it works at all.

At the same time, the need to be gentle and feel tenderness towards oneself remains.

“Unspent tenderness” is nothing but the need for love, for a careful, reverent and tender attitude towards ourselves.

This is also the need for people in our lives whose existence is experienced as important and valuable for us. It’s a separate pleasure to see how another person responds to our care. In the end, we are not so invulnerable and “shockproof” as it seems from the outside.