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If you are asked which of the children you love most, most likely you will answer: «I treat everyone the same.» And be indignant, they say, what kind of parent do you have to be in order to single out pets? But there are many such families, and you should not hide it, says psychiatrist Tracey Asamoah.
Research over the years confirms what we actually suspected for a long time — most fathers and mothers have favorites. It does not matter what caused this attachment — birth order, gender or common interests. Yet parents continue to deny everything and are tormented by guilt. Even if the preference you give to one of the children is not so obvious, his siblings usually notice who adults single out.
It is not surprising that the consequences of such an attitude — real or partly felt by the child — are family conflicts, conduct disorder and depression. Actually, it’s not that you love one of the children more. Chances are, something within you resonates with one child’s personality more than another. Basically, it’s a question of similarity. Why, then, is it so difficult for us to acknowledge this fact?
Some parents may be worried about doing harm to the psyche of another child. Others confuse sympathy for one child’s personality with the love they express for all children. Some parents believe that the open recognition of the favorite will inevitably lead to discrimination of other children. Still, try to accept the idea that you have the right to feel great affection for one child. Awareness of true motives and aspirations is definitely able to improve the situation in the family and improve relationships with children.
Our own traits that we are satisfied with, we willingly accept in children
Instead of fueling guilt or engaging in denial, you can and should reflect on how you treat each of your children. Make an effort to understand: how do these different feelings for each child affect your parenting methods and relationships within the family? Such an exploration of feelings will help you better understand yourself, your personal characteristics and the principles by which you build contacts with people.
It is better to see what you think and feel about yourself. A heightened awareness of self-understanding will help form healthy bonds. Here are a few perspectives from which it makes sense to consider this topic.
1. Your relationship with your children is deeply rooted.
You communicate differently with each child, and for good reason. In part, they stem from the experience of relationships with their own parents and other significant adults from a past life. Some of the children may resemble their beloved grandfather or grandmother in appearance, character, and then you will experience especially warm feelings for him. Another child may in some situations behave like a parent with whom you did not get along, often quarreled. And then he will unwittingly provoke a negative reaction with his actions.
Given that personal childhood experiences can affect relationships with your own children, consider how your feelings for your child are unique and how they are weighed down by outside influences. If necessary, it is worth adjusting the way you interact with your son or daughter and get rid of the burden of your past.
2. Children can be a mirror that reflects your personality.
We react differently to the qualities of children that we see in ourselves. We willingly accept our own traits that we are satisfied with in children. When the “mirror” shows something that we do not like, or that we are not ready to admit in ourselves, we often feel discomfort. As a result, we try to avoid meeting our shortcomings or show hostility and even aggression.
3. Your feelings for children may be fickle.
Remember that relationships with children don’t stay the same. They are dynamic, they develop as we ourselves and our sons and daughters grow up, gain new experience, experience joys and difficulties. At some point, you may feel a great connection with the older child, and a year later, suddenly experience a special closeness with the youngest. When you notice these changes, try to analyze their causes.
Looking for areas of growth
At the end of the day, your relationship with your child is just a relationship where there is always ups and downs and there is always room for improvement. The ability to foresee some events and take the necessary measures in time, to understand what factors are currently significant, will help the relationship flourish. While you may love children in different ways, it is important that they all receive equal attention, warmth, and care.
So, don’t be afraid to admit that you might have a pet right now. Then take the next step — try to understand how this fact can work for rapprochement and strengthening relationships with all family members.