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Anya (5 years old) did not go to kindergarten. She stayed at home with her beloved mother. She was looking forward to this day so much, she wanted to be at home so much, but now for some reason she is bored. She walks around the rooms, shifts toys from one place to another, looks out the window and does not know what to do. Mom has already read a fairy tale to her, played with her, but still something is missing.
— Mom, can I go for Marina and call her?
“Of course you can, come in if you want.
After a while, the girls enthusiastically begin to play: “This is our table, this is my stove, I will cook dinner …” It’s not boring at all, and even, on the contrary, it’s very fun. This goes on for about half an hour. And suddenly angry cries are heard from the children’s room:
“You’re putting it in the wrong place, you’re doing everything wrong, look!”
— Let me alone!
— Give it back, it’s mine!
«Go away, you ruined everything!» You broke everything!
— All right, I’ll leave, Anya, but I’ll never come again!
“Well, don’t come, I’m not friends with you anymore!”
The front door slams, Anya, sobbing, complains to her mother about the nasty Marinka. But after half an hour it becomes unbearably boring again: “Mom, can I come for Marina?”
Again the girls play together, and everything repeats from the beginning. Why is this happening? On the one hand, children are very drawn to each other, but on the other hand, they often quarrel.
To understand complex childhood relationships, let’s try to understand how young children perceive each other. Let’s eavesdrop on the conversation of our girlfriends before they quarreled.
My doll has a beautiful dress!
— And my mother bought slippers, look!
— I will build a house for the doll, here is my bed.
— And my doll is better than yours, I braid her braid.
— And I tie my bows. I already know how to tie bows.
— And I can draw a princess with bows …
Please note that in each phrase of the child, “I” is in the center: I have, I can, I do, etc. Children, as it were, brag to each other about their skills, virtues, property. It is important to demonstrate all this to a peer in order to surpass your partner in at least something (or better in everything). A toy that cannot be shown to anyone loses half of its attractiveness. Why is it so important for children?
First of all, because a small child needs confidence that they notice him, that he is the best, favorite, etc. This confidence reflects the attitude of parents towards him, for whom their own child is always the best. While the baby is at home, he does not need to prove to his father and mother that he is the best. But as soon as he is among children, this truth ceases to be so obvious, and the child has to prove his right to uniqueness and superiority.
The easiest way is to compare yourself with someone who plays nearby and who is so similar to you. True, small children compare themselves with others very subjectively. Their main task is to prove their superiority, and for this they resort to a variety of arguments. But behind all this is: “Look how good I am!” That’s what a peer is for! It is needed in order to have someone to compare yourself with (otherwise, how can you prove that you are the best), and also in order to have someone to show your merits. It turns out that a small child sees in a peer, first of all, an object for comparison with himself. And the peer himself, his personality (interests, actions, qualities), as it were, are not noticed at all. Rather, they are noticed, but only when they begin to interfere, when a peer does not behave as one would like. And immediately these qualities receive a harsh and unambiguous assessment:
«Don’t push, fool!»
— You’re nasty bastard!
«You’re doing it all wrong, hooligan!»
Children reward each other with similar epithets on the basis of separate harmless actions: if you don’t give a toy, it means you’re greedy, if you don’t do it the way I do, it means it’s wrong. The child frankly and directly informs his little friend about this. But after all, a friend expects something completely different from him! He also needs recognition, approval, praise!
Here it is, the first cause of children’s conflicts. Every child needs a good peer relationship. But to understand that a peer needs the same thing, he cannot. It is very difficult for a preschooler to praise and approve another child.
Why do children not notice other people’s virtues and emphasize only the negative traits in the behavior of their peers? The fact is that preschoolers see and perceive only the external pattern of the behavior of another, only its visible, tangible result. They see that other children are pushing, screaming, getting in the way, taking away toys, etc. But it is still difficult for them to understand that each peer is a person with their own inner world, interests, desires, preferences. And children are still very poorly aware of their own inner world. Preschoolers behave impulsively and often cannot explain why and why they do something. But if a person is not aware of his experiences, intentions, interests, then how can he imagine what others feel? This is the second reason for the frequent quarrels and conflicts of children.
How to help your child look at himself and his peer from the side
To do this, we have organized such a situation. Two children were invited to play together for 20-30 minutes. There were pencils, cubes, typewriters in the room — in general, everything you need for the game. The little ones began to play, and everything was as it always happens when children play. And we recorded their disputes, explanations and accusations on a tape recorder. (The children, of course, did not suspect this.) After the game, the children returned to their friends on the street, and we called one of them over to us and let them listen to the tape recording. Needless to say, how amazing and interesting it was for the child to listen to his own voice. He tended to recognize himself and his partner. He even recognized not by the timbre of his voice, but by the content of the statements, which he, of course, recalled when listening. If such recognition did not occur, we helped him: “Who is speaking? Do you recognize? This is you, and this is Sasha … ”And so on until the child unmistakably recognized himself and his partner. See →
The main thing is to play together
Around the age of 5, children begin to clearly understand that they need each other. Of course, the need to communicate with a peer appears earlier (about 4 years old), but younger preschoolers are still unconsciously drawn to other children. But at the age of 5, children already confidently say that it is better to play together. The desire to be together becomes a typical explanation for their behavior. For example, to the question “Why did you start to carry cubes?” Vova confidently answered: “Because Kolya and I built a house together and we needed cubes.” And Lena justified her actions as follows: “I am friends with Olya, so we do everything together, that I, then she. I began to play with dolls, and she began with me.
By the age of 5-6, there are fewer conflicts and quarrels. It is no longer so important for a child to establish himself in the eyes of his peers. It is much more important to play together to make it interesting, to build a big house out of blocks or arrange a beautiful room for dolls. And it is not so important who makes the house or the room. The main thing is to do it together. Increasingly, children talk about themselves in terms of “we”: we play, we didn’t succeed, we will go, etc. Even when the child was asked about his own, individual actions, for example: “Why did you suddenly start jumping?” — he answered immediately for two: «Ilyusha and I decided to dance.» In this “we”, “I” and “you” are inseparably represented. And they are always united by some common occupation, deed, decision. Another child (peer) here is a necessary condition for this common cause: together it is more fun, more interesting, it works better. See →