Sometimes we find ourselves in a dead end and do not understand how to find a way out of a difficult situation. We complain about life, complain and question. But do words spoken in desperation really reflect what we think? Why not try to change the angle of view and formulate the problem differently?
If you think about it, there is always something good in life, something that makes you smile. What can we be grateful for? But sometimes something bad “does not let go” for a long time and makes you feel like you are trapped. What to do?
Crisis psychologists recommend changing the angle of view and the wording.
Settings from childhood
It often turns out that we are at an impasse not so much because of life circumstances, but because of internal attitudes. And, as a rule, they were not invented by us, but “installed” in the heads in the distant past. These are the so-called introjects, that is, the rules established by society, family, events that impressed us, books and films.
They can sit so deep that we don’t question them. But by bringing the attitudes to the level of awareness and critically examining them, we can get out of the impasse.
- «Dad’s brother flirts with me, but this is a family, I have to endure.» Truth?
- “The son does not study for one five, and my child should only be an excellent student.” Right?
- «Mother has always mistreated me, but I have to love her.» Sure?
Such concepts are destructive, make you doubt the correctness of the choice, experience helplessness or consider your life as a failure.
Bad things happen
Almost everyone has another internal fundamental setting that enhances the drama of any difficult situation. We seem to be waiting for life to suddenly become perfect. An ideal society where everyone is happy and satisfied. An ideal family in which no one quarrels, an ideal partner without flaws, who satisfies all our needs. Perfect body without cellulite. An ideal world without pandemics and diseases, hunger and enmity.
But this is impossible even in a fairy tale. Because a happy ending is the end, not the beginning of a story. And in order to have something to tell, write and shoot a film, you need conflict and obstacles. Buddhists formulated a simple truth long ago: there is suffering. Problems are an integral part of life, no matter how much we dream of heaven on earth. To put it simply: anything can happen. The question is how to deal with it.
In Russian, two words can be attached to such a situation, and their semantics determines a lot. In the word «reconcile» there is something from the position of the victim — helplessness, hunched shoulders under the yoke of suffering, lowered corners of the mouth, hopelessness.
But “to accept” is already an act of will. There is always a choice — to spend resources on indignation or to accept, agree and solve the problem. Straighten your shoulders, stop sacrificing yourself. Face the facts and soberly accept the circumstances, while not ignoring your dissatisfaction with them.
There is an exit!
Gestalt therapists talk about a paradoxical theory of change that grew out of the work of Fritz Perls. Psychiatrist Arnold Beiser put it this way: change occurs when a person becomes who he really is, and not when he tries to be someone else.
Carrying this theory to life, we can say this: sometimes the work to stop hating your life and get out of the impasse begins with the recognition of facts, reality. And the next step is to rethink the interfering attitudes.
Psychotherapist Eric Meisel calls the work of changing introjects creating our own philosophy of life that makes sense to us and helps us solve problems. We cannot entrust this task to anyone else or buy a «package offer». By fully becoming the creator of his life, everyone is able to rethink attitudes, define a value system and create their own philosophy. And then there will be freedom of choice.
For example, set boundaries, negotiate rules, or even stop communicating with a toxic mother. Accept as a fact that the child is not perfect, admit to yourself that you yourself were not so at his age, accept him with love as he is. Say a clear “no” to an abusive relative, discuss the problem with the family, or cut off contact.