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What do we need from others? Attention, respect, sympathy, sympathy. Therefore, it is not surprising that we share with them the best moments of life and the most successful photographs. But doesn’t that mean we over-encourage our own narcissism?
Scrolling through the feed on Facebook or Instagram, you can come across a profile of a familiar user who regularly uploads his photos: from a restaurant, from a vacation against the backdrop of the sea, in a theater lobby, in a gym.
Sometimes we look at his life from the outside and do not approve: “He laid himself out again, a real daffodil!” And sometimes this user is ourselves, and we expect a completely different reaction from other people.
The mirror of one’s heart
“Social networks are another social environment, a living space in which the same patterns work that we observe in reality,” says family psychologist Alexander Shadura. “We used to try to find our place in ordinary society, now we are also looking for it on the Internet.”
It’s just a new platform, donated by progress, and we come here just like a new cafe – because someone said that it’s good here, because acquaintances often visit here.
“I dropped out of the conversation with my friends because they discussed what they learned from social networks, and I could not keep up the conversation,” admits 28-year-old Lyudmila. “In the end, I registered, and now I have either seven or eight social networks, I don’t remember.”
We share news and emotions, sometimes we expect support, and sometimes we hope to receive a positive assessment of our appearance or actions.
“I perceive my personal page on Instagram as an art gallery,” says 29-year-old Dana. – It is dedicated to my interests, and it is important that the photos are of high quality and the posts are interesting. The account serves as a place for me in which I express myself.
Dana says that she does nothing to attract new subscribers, but when they appear, it makes her happy.
“Everyone has a need for recognition,” continues Alexander Shadura. And we all compare ourselves to others. By posting our photos on social networks, we do not become narcissists. Characteristic features of narcissists are common to all, but in smaller numbers and less pronounced.
There is a fine line between the need for recognition and dependence on approval that is not always noticeable.
First went
In social networks, there are many ways to express your attitude towards the author: subscription, comment, repost and like. The latter is so firmly established in our virtual communication that in youth companies it is also used in everyday speech, saying out loud: “Like!”
And programmers are not asleep: more than one application has already been created for cheating likes for all existing social networks. “I don’t use cheats, but I always put the first like under my posts,” says 26-year-old Leonid, a user of VKontakte and Telegram, “I think this is logical: I like what I do, otherwise why would I do it! »
36-year-old Galina has a different reason: “I write on FB – and I’m sure because I checked: there is always more time between a post and the first reaction than between the first like and the second. So sometimes I like the first one myself to make it easier for the next one.” Galina compares this with the fear of a blank slate. Whether this is so, it is difficult to say, there are no studies on this topic yet.
“It’s natural to want to be liked by others and get likes,” reminds Alexander Shadura. “But if someone counts every like and painfully perceives their lack, this indicates insecurity and unstable self-esteem.
If I consider only myself worthy of likes, this is narcissism. Then any dislike will be perceived as a denial of my value and may cause aggression towards the authors of negative ratings.
When we really lack approval from the outside, we can try to compensate for it on our own.
“Those who feel unclaimed, unattractive and morally unable to cope with this situation can “go for forgery,” says psychoanalyst Margarita Nesterenko, by winding up fake subscribers and likes.
This may help him briefly feel the significance of his status in the eyes of others. True, social networks are struggling with inflated numbers, and fake likes sometimes disappear all at once.
If the number of positive reactions to photos and posts does not affect your mood and well-being, likes to yourself will in no way lead to the development of narcissism, Alexander Shadura believes: “If you don’t praise yourself, no one will praise you,” the psychologist reminds the proverb.
– This is a well-known way of self-support: “What a fine fellow I am, smart, beautiful!” Like yourself can be a condensed form of such a statement. One could speak of narcissism only if we constantly expected and demanded from others recognition of our exceptionalism.
Who is who
Selfishness and narcissism are qualities inherent in a narcissist, but everyone shows them from time to time. “According to the myth, Narcissus is a proud young man who rejected the love of a nymph and was punished for it,” says Margarita Nesterenko.
“He fell in love with his own reflection and died of exhaustion because he couldn’t tear himself away from it. From a psychological point of view, Narcissus put himself above others and did not establish emotional connections with others, for which he was punished.
If manifestations of narcissism prevent someone from interacting with others and with themselves, we can talk about a disorder. But to determine by footprints in the virtual world who suffers from narcissism (that is, to make a clinical diagnosis in absentia), and who does not, even experts will not undertake.
“When a narcissist achieves something, he thinks:“ How cool am I, ”explains Margarita Nesterenko. “But as soon as he stumbles, his opinion of himself changes dramatically. The narcissist cannot be in balance, he is always thrown from one extreme to another.
But far from all narcissists will demonstrate their superiority over others: some of them do not show it just because they consider the rest to be generally unworthy of contact with them, and therefore either do not go to social networks, or only watch the lives of others from their empty account.
Look at you!
Most of us prefer praise to disapproval, want to be better than everyone else at least in some way, and from time to time have difficulty empathizing with others. All of these are narcissistic traits.
“No one likes to be criticized,” notes Alexander Shadura, “but in the case of a disorder, we are talking about hypersensitivity and a psychological paradox: I am convinced that I am beautiful, I don’t care about other people’s opinions, while I avoid communicating with those who expressed doubt how good I am.”
By itself, a large number of posted posts does not mean anything.
But if personal photos are not replaced by images of nature and shots with friends, it can be assumed that we tend to manifest the inner Narcissist. Every year, new studies of the relationship between different subtypes of narcissism and selfie posting appear, but their results do not allow one to draw unambiguous conclusions.
So, one of them showed that grandiose narcissism – which is characterized by inflated self-esteem, dominance and arrogance – correlates with the publication of more selfies and more positive emotions when taking them. Whereas vulnerable narcissism—characteristics of low self-esteem, shame, and hypersensitivity—is associated with negative feelings when taking selfies.1.
There is reason to believe that the number of published selfies is not directly related to narcissism, but depends on how satisfied the author is with his appearance. Which, in turn, depends on which body image is approved by the majority of others.2.
And for some of us, a successful selfie is one that matches our self-image rather than beauty ideals. “When I graduated from college, my friends started Instagram accounts, and it seemed stupid to me,” says 32-year-old Anna, “I wanted to maintain my image of a smart girl, and selfies were not associated with it. Now I calmly take pictures with friends and myself. It usually has to do with where I wanted to go.”
Make it nice
The web gives us quick access to a multitude of resources with which we can improve ourselves in many ways. “The opportunity to find something useful, to learn new things, to cope with the problems of communication, health, to improve the level of education – all this has a positive effect on self-esteem,” notes Margarita Nesterenko.
“But if the narcissistic properties of the psyche put excessive pressure on us, social networks make us want more, overwhelm with envy and greed. There is a desire to appropriate everything good for oneself, to be the best, “ideal”, and saturation does not occur, because the ideal is unattainable.
And narcissism has little to do with self-love, although you can hear that uploading your photos to an account means loving yourself. “If we depend on approval, then the very first negative comment will unsettle us,” notes Alexander Shadura.
“Loving yourself means taking care of yourself, your body, your mental health, and meeting your needs, including recognition, love, and intimacy. And in order to establish them, I must shift my attention from myself to others. In order to receive support and respect from others, we must be able to give them.” Because it is a mutual process.
Why do we care about someone else’s success?
Ekaterina Zarudnaya, gestalt therapist
Stories about other people’s achievements and ceremonial photos sometimes inspire us … and sometimes annoy us. Is it envy or something else?
The first thing you should pay attention to is your relationship with yourself. If looking at someone else’s success on social media makes you feel angry, anxious, jealous, or judgmental, reevaluate your attitudes.
Maybe your emotions arise from the belief that “only the dishonest have money”, or because someone allows himself to live for show, be frank, does what he wants when you were taught to be modest?
On the Web, we sometimes encounter manifestations of unhealthy narcissism, a feeling of one-sidedness and falseness appears. We assume that the user demonstrates an ideal picture on his page, does not convey real experiences to the audience, and is silent about the difficulties that everyone encounters.
In fact, we are faced with deception and therefore naturally experience anxiety and distrust. But whatever our feelings are, they can reveal what we value and what we lack.
1 J. McCain et al. Personality and selfies… Computers in Human Behavior. 2016; 64.
2 V. Boursier et al. Selfie-engagement on social media… Addict Behav Rep. 2020 Jun; 11.