Why do heterosexual men have gay sex?

These men come from wealthy sections of society, love women and are successful with them, but from time to time show signs of attention to each other, practice petting and even sex. At the same time, they not only do not consider themselves gay, but at every opportunity they try to prove to each other their masculinity. Sociologist Jane Ward’s New Book Not Gay Challenges Several Popular Beliefs¹. The first of them: same-sex sex is the prerogative of homosexuals. Second, even broader: our behavior in sex necessarily goes «complete» with our beliefs, tastes and character traits. But in order to engage in same-sex sex, it is not necessary to declare or even consider yourself a homosexual. And generally define yourself in some terms.

• How sexually liberated are you?
• How confident are you in your sexuality?
• What do your sexual fantasies say about you?

Not gay but similar

Our ideas about sexual culture change with difficulty. The idea that homosexuality can be a kind of sexual orientation was established in the mass consciousness (at least in many Western countries) only towards the end of the XNUMXth century. But as a result, the carriers of the “alternative” sexual culture began to be perceived as a single cohesive group with their own values, behavioral style, and even a special structure of the body. On the one hand, the idea that homosexuals and bisexuals are fundamentally different from heterosexuals eliminates unnecessary doubt. If I was born heterosexual, then I will not become another. On the other hand, what about those who, like the characters in Jane Ward’s book, do not fit into this model?

“In the 90s, the concept of MSM arose — men who have sex with men,” says psychotherapist Ernst Light. — Relatively recently, the symmetrical concept of WSW (women who have sex with women) was added to it. Both of these concepts turned out to be convenient from two points of view. Firstly, as a tool in the work of epidemiologists, since it allowed them to correlate the spread of sexual infections with specific sexual practices, without touching on the topic of identity. Secondly, there has been an understanding in psychology and sexology that specific sexual practices cannot be interpreted as having the same meaning, since they can be part of different social processes.

One example of such «false homosexual» practices is written by Jane Ward. These are homoerotic relationships between men in tight male groups — army fraternities, sports teams, private schools. They may include oral and anal sex, mutual masturbation, kissing and other caresses. Often such actions accompany the rituals of accepting new members to closed clubs and communities, take on the character of a game, but can also occur spontaneously, for example, in the shower after a football match. At the same time, most of Jane Ward’s interlocutors claim that they are generally interested in girls, but «sometimes it happens.» What is this — the result of the «licentiousness» of the modern world? On the contrary, anthropologists argue that traces of such relationships can be found in ancient times.

Sex as the highest manifestation of friendship

In traditional societies, the sexual sphere, as a rule, is rigidly inscribed in the system of social relations. In many ancient cultures, where masculinity and masculine power (in every sense) were especially valued, and women occupied a subordinate position, close relationships developed between men. Sex could be the ultimate expression of friendship, or it could be a sign of respect or a service that the younger ones rendered to the older ones. In ancient Greece, carnal love between men was in the order of things, while often the roles of partners were fixed: one always dominated, and the other obeyed. Homosexual couples also developed in medieval Japan, where the warlike culture of the samurai flourished. Among the peoples of Melanesia and New Guinea, the rites of initiation of boys into men have a sexual side. The natives believed that along with the seed, teenagers received strength from their elders.².

• How are roles distributed in a homosexual couple?

Gradually, social norms were transformed, but the general basis of relations remained. Sexologist Igor Kon believes that these relationships are generated by the very nature of male sexuality: “Men tend to describe and symbolize any of their relationships in sexual terms. Spatial proximity and joint activity inevitably gives rise between people, regardless of their gender, individual emotional attachments, which under certain conditions can be eroticized, turning ordinary friendship into a «romantic» or «special» friendship»³. In this sense, we are not talking about the biological and physiological side of the issue: these men do not cease to be interested in women, but their connections with other men become for them a source of new sensations, a continuation of the feeling of brotherly love and solidarity. True, there is something that prevents them from accepting these experiences.

Jane Ward notes that such men have a common, seemingly paradoxical feature: attraction to other men is combined with active and even aggressive homophobia — rejection of homosexuals, ridiculing stereotypical homosexual traits. And the stronger the attraction, the more pronounced the desire to prove to myself and others: I am not like “these”. This is exactly the situation shown in Alfonso Cuarón’s film And Your Mother Too (2001): two friends wake up naked in the same bed after a stormy night. The viewer guesses that something happened between them at night. Young people’s friendships are crumbling, not because of their own sexual contradictions (they are still attracted to women), but because of shame and embarrassment, an inability to relate their idea of ​​masculinity to what happened.

• Why do homosexuals cause aggression in men?

Imposed definitions

What makes these men feel ashamed even at the thought of homosexuality? “Homophobia expresses fear not so much of homosexuals as of other men in general, the fear that other men can expose us, show ourselves and the whole world that we are not pulling, that we are not real men,” writes Igor Kon. The suspicions of others make us insecure about our status. The society excludes a person caught in homosexual behavior from the heterosexual camp (not necessarily ostracizing him at the same time), and invites him to accept the rules of behavior of the homosexual camp. A man is forced either to accept a new status and adapt to those with whom others will henceforth identify him, or to justify himself and deny his desires and actions.

Jane Ward points out that young people today are increasingly using the term «sexually flexible» to describe their behaviour. “For them, the ability to cross borders from time to time is important. On the one hand, this allows them not to take their hobbies too seriously. On the other hand, it can also be an expression of protest against the very descriptive model, which requires you to clearly define yourself — whether you are heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual, ”explains the author.

• Who are homophobes

“In most cases, the terms “heterosexual”, “bisexual” or any other “sexual” are not very justified, says Ernst Light. “They are invented to describe phenomena in the traditional way. Everything that does not fit into such a description is not noticed for the time being. In a society where public behavior is strictly regulated, any public kiss may be unacceptable, and in a society with a different attitude towards sexuality, this may not be paid any attention. Igor Kon said that as the need to hide something is weakened, sexual identity will lose the value that it has now. And the need to somehow define oneself will disappear by itself.

¹ J. Ward «Not Gay: Sex between Straight White Men» (NYU Pres, 2015).

² M. Butovskaya «Homosexuality and evolution» (Century 2, 2005).

³ I. Kohn “Homosociality and homosexuality. On the nature of male communication” (Igor Kon’s personal website neuronet.ru/sexology, 2001).