Probably each of us knows the story when an elderly person joins him after the death of his partner or spouse. What is behind this mechanism? Can you explain it somehow? We talk to Joanna Godecka, a psychotherapist, about this “dying together”.
- The death of a loved one is at the top of the ranking of the most traumatic events we can experience
- After losing a partner, it is necessary to go through the next stages of mourning. It is a difficult and long-lasting process that requires not only time, but also willingness. And these seniors sometimes lack
- Men are more likely to die after losing their significant other. This is for a number of reasons
- You can find more such stories on the TvoiLokony home page
Agnieszka Mazur-Puchała, Medonet: I had neighbors, an older couple. He had a heart attack, she called an ambulance. By the time help arrived, they had both died. This is an extreme example, but in fact with older spouses it happens that they leave in quick succession. Why is this happening?
Joanna Godecka, psychotherapist: First of all, it must be said that losing a partner is a very deep stress. If we look at the “stress rankings”, the death of the closest person ranks first in them. The death of another person can therefore be the result of a sudden shock. It is such a strong sensation that there may be a physiological reaction – a heart attack or a stroke. A separate issue is emotional loss, which in the case of older people can lead to severe withdrawal.
Mourning happens in stages. In the beginning, there is a moment of shock. This event just does not reach us, we do not fully understand what happened. We are apathetic, lost. Later, there is a very strong reaction – despair, negative excitement, but also sometimes the other way round, a complete disconnection from feelings. It’s a defense mechanism. It happens that the person in mourning says: “I have not shed a single tear.” It is the denial of feelings that are too big and too violent to be experienced here and now. The next stage is horror. What am I going to do now, I can’t cope. Later comes anger, anger, a sense of the irreversibility of the situation. When it finally passes, we start to investigate the situation. We think about what to do, how others react in this situation. Then it’s time to look for meaning – everything is for something. So we think about what that person would like, that they would not be happy to know that we are despairing instead of continuing to live. The cycle ends with reconciliation with death and return to life without this loved one by your side.
A huge effort that takes time …
That’s it. Younger people also have a hard time mourning, and it can last for months. But with older people, it may be that they no longer have the emotional strength to do so. If they feel that they don’t really want to rebuild their lives without the other person, then they withdraw.
People involved in human spirituality say that physical death is the final step in withdrawing from life. On its various planes. If an older person begins to say to himself “why should I go there”, “why should I do this”, “why should I call somewhere”, then it can be said that he is questioning the meaning of his “being”. And the body follows that will. Because either man mobilizes his life force to survive the crisis, or it turns out that this crisis is so strong that we do not want to fight it anymore.
Then it is such waiting to die? Will I lie until it’s time for me?
Exactly so, however we do not need to be fully aware of it. Anyway, it is similar with severe disease. There are recoveries when the sick person fights even in a lost position. But he mobilizes all the body’s strength and manages to overcome the disease, although the prognosis was not good at all. Doctors often say that if a person quits the fight for life and gives up, he simply… dies.
So if, after the spouse’s death, there is no will to live, it is hard to stay here and now and painstakingly build a continuation. It’s easier to emotionally follow your partner. Especially if you spent several dozen years with him and it was a good life.
It is impossible not to think about Queen Elizabeth now.
Over 70 years together, this is a really impressive result. The Queen is very task-oriented. There were many situations in her life when she had to emotionally cut herself off, grit her teeth and just keep ‘being’. In the series “Korona” we sometimes see her as a soulless, indifferent person. In relations with his son, for example, he talks about duties, about the fact that he simply “has to” do something. Perhaps this is a defense mechanism that will allow Queen Elizabeth to continue to function after the death of Prince Philip. Although it should be noted that during the funeral, the monarch manifested her feelings. And we know it doesn’t happen.
There were tears …
And she rode alone. It was certainly an exceptional circumstance. You would have to sit in her head and heart to know what will happen next, but surely for most people the departure of a partner after 70 years of good life together is very painful. The biggest blow is the loss of a loved one with whom we had an emotional closeness. When we can no longer imagine ourselves next to someone else, we don’t want it.
Younger people who experience loss later say that they had someone to live for. They have children, families. Elderly people have already raised their descendants, life matters have been taken care of, and friends are dying. The thought may then arise: “I no longer want to live”. In my opinion, leaving your partner in a short time is such an internal decision. It doesn’t just happen, it has to do with the will.
In my environment, statistically, men die more often right after their partner. The woman is able to play with her grandchildren for 10 or 15 years and entertain the children at Sunday dinners. And a man without a wife just goes out.
It’s legitimate. Women are more adaptable. They can show affection more easily, accept support, and admit to their emotional problems. Men have a harder time letting anyone look after them. They are afraid of losing their independence. That someone would have to take care of them. Added to this is the emptiness resulting from not being able to use what is left. I agree, it is. A man is more helpless when a loved one leaves. He cannot cope with the everyday life that a woman has been dealing with.
Even for health reasons – the woman made sure that he took his medications in the morning, chased him to the doctor when he was in pain …
Exactly. Then we have a generation of older people, where women did too much at home and men simply did not enough. When there is no mate, even issues such as which bread to buy and from which bakery can be difficult. So we have a man who has survived the loss, and because of such daily hardships he feels even more lonely, lost and terrified.
Besides, women have more different kinds of activities. My mom is over 80, my dad passed away two years ago. I know she misses him a lot. They formed a well-knit relationship, traveled, watched journalistic programs together and discussed them, solved crosswords. My mother is a woman, so she can cook well, going out to the garden and planting flowers. It has this everyday form of ritualization – you have to water the flowers, you have to buy something. This gives an apparent meaning to life. Apparent, because you don’t live to water plants. But such activities give the feeling that something in life is still working well. They are even used in mental disorders – they give a sense of security.
On the other hand, retired men often just read the newspapers or watch TV. They may simply lack this grounding after losing their partner.
So we have an emotional woman who gets back on her feet after her partner dies. And a man who does not show affection is strong, independent, and when he loses his partner, he cannot cope with life.
Because here it turns out that this male lack of affection is not entirely true. The moment the partner leaves shows the man that he is not so strong and tough and that he did not need this woman. He may have been thinking this for 70 years, and then he suddenly realizes that he was not in control of the situation at all, he was not in control of his life as he thought. This is the added stress of the death of a loved one.
After losing a partner, how can an elderly person find the strength not to give up? Can it be done?
Finding the meaning of life and purpose in old age is a positive challenge. Good relationships with family and friends, if they are still alive, help. If life still tastes good and gives you joy, you can and it is worth getting up after your partner’s death. This is not an automatic ‘unregister’ signal. There is a lady on Instagram who is over 90 years old. He adds relationships, he has his fans. She found a way not only to function and live, but also to have friends. In addition, it is a real inspiration for many. Life does not have to end with the death of a partner. As long as you want, you can also find a way.
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- Men in Poland die most often from these diseases
- What do Polish women die most often? New report
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