Why do couples break up after psychotherapy?

“After five sessions with a psychotherapist, my husband said he wanted a divorce,” says 30-year-old Lilia. We lived together for six years, and it seemed to me that everything was in order. Of course, there were problems, but solvable. We have always tried to find a compromise.

And then he openly said that he had never truly loved me, that he was tired of adapting, that he wanted to live his own way and do only what he wanted. He explained that he intended to find another woman with similar interests and values. Which will motivate him to develop, and not pull back.

After a couple of weeks, he rented an apartment and left. It was very difficult for me. But I couldn’t convince him to stay.”

“My husband and I had a student marriage. And before going to a psychologist, our family already had a long experience, 15 years, – says 48-year-old Marina. – At the sessions, I was able to look at our relationship from the outside and overestimated a lot.

I realized that my husband was my second child: I gave all the best, convenient, tasty things to my son and him, and to myself according to the residual principle. As the husband says, so be it. Turned a blind eye to his love affairs. I thought: since he comes back to me, it means that I am dearer to him.

And then I realized that, too, because I can want something or not want. I don’t know where the strength came from, but I soon filed for divorce and never regretted such a decision in the next ten years.

How are going to a psychologist and separation of partners related?

“These stories clearly show that in the process of psychotherapy we begin to better understand our true needs and separate them from neurotic ones,” says family psychologist, Gestalt therapist Tatiana Belkina. – For example, a woman has a bad relationship with her husband, she wants something completely different. But she keeps the marriage for years from the idea learned in childhood that you can’t get divorced. Working with a psychotherapist, she notices her real needs and the fallacy of her attitude.

From this point of understanding the situation, there are at least two ways: decide that the partner is to blame and file for divorce, or try to build other relationships with your loved one, change them qualitatively.

“Working with a therapist can lead to both divorce and a better relationship,” the expert continues. “And it’s hard for me to calculate what happens more often. It’s not about different therapies.

The task of any psychotherapist who works with couples is to take the most neutral position, not to be guided by anyone’s idea. Including your own. I have been married for almost 25 years, but I do not have a goal to keep the families of all the clients who come to me. I need to understand what each partner wants and find the best way to solve the problem in this regard.”

How does this happen?

Often there are such situations: the children have grown up, the woman has a need for self-realization, a desire to go to work or study, and the husband does not support this enthusiasm of his wife. He is calmer when she is at home, the children are fed and supervised, the house is clean and tidy. Why change your established lifestyle?

A woman feels irritation, anger, and a meeting with a psychologist in such a situation can serve as a catalyst for a sharp decision to drop everything and leave. “The psychologist should not support the impulsiveness of the client at this moment,” says Tatyana Belkina. “It’s great that the client feels in a new way. But the family system is a rigid structure.

Her first reaction is resistance to any change. Close people are not easy to rebuild. They need time to get used to, to adapt. Encountering their protest, you can impulsively destroy what has been created over the years.

Therefore, the most important thing is not to rush and set the client up for a balanced and informed decision-making. Look: where did such a hurry come from? If the spouses have lived together for 7-10-15 years, impulsive divorce raises especially many questions.

In a long marriage, partners are tied by many threads. Due to accumulated dissatisfaction, fatigue, or irritation (especially if a person has invested more in the relationship than he received in return), these threads lose their significance. The psychologist pays attention to them, suggests: “Let’s understand what is the value of your relationship? What have you stopped noticing?

Probably, the decision to take care of small children, to stay at home for many years came not only from his husband. Obviously, this was the choice of the woman herself. The family was the main value. Now her priority has changed, and loved ones need time to get used to it.

How long can the rebuilding process take?

Depends on the situation. As a rule, a psychologist suggests to a client who is determined to get a divorce immediately, to be patient for another year and a half to give the family a chance to change and steer into a new relationship.

“There is one exception here,” says Tatyana Belkina. “If we are talking about an abusive relationship, about a situation that threatens life and safety, about violence or the use of alcohol or drugs, then in this case the psychologist is more likely to support the intention to leave immediately.”

Go away to return

“All eight years of marriage, my husband and I quarreled. I was very angry that he did not appreciate my efforts in everyday life, took everything for granted, – says Lyudmila, 38 years old. – Once I turned to a family psychologist (she specialized in Hellinger constellations). After the second consultation, some internal work began.

On the next day off (for me, the day off is cleaning, washing, cooking), as usual, I did not wait for help from my husband. Without making scenes, I finished everything, and the next morning I packed my things, took the child and went to her parents. I was then 27 years old, and I did not immediately understand what exactly happened.

Only later it dawned on me: going to a psychologist made me pay attention to myself. To put myself at the center of my life and thereby make me not very convenient for my relatives … My husband sought our return home by all means. However, I did not want this at all: I understood that everything would return to normal.

I lived separately for two months! Then I realized that it was time to sort things out somehow, and I returned. My husband’s attitude towards me has noticeably changed for the better, he has become more caring, tried to change our lives radically … And I began to listen to myself first of all.

The task of the psychologist is to help the client understand: can he satisfy his need while remaining in marriage? Much depends on whether the second partner is ready to meet halfway and negotiate.

“In my opinion, those couples where the second partner is not ready for the restructuring of relationships are more likely to break up,” notes Tatyana Belkina, a gestalt therapist. – Another common reason for divorces is differences in worldview, in the most important issues: one wants children, and the other does not, one lacks autonomy, the other lacks intimacy.

When the question of parting arises, we recommend that partners go to a family psychologist together. This will help to discover the contradictions that have accumulated over many years and understand how critical they are. And then, consciously, carefully make a decision either about divorce, or about transferring relations to another level.