We figure out together with psychologists what to do with it and whether it is necessary.
“You know, it’s just insulting,” a friend once confessed to me. – You wear him for nine months, give birth in agony, and he is not only a copy of his father, but also loves him more! ” When asked if she was exaggerating, her friend shook her head resolutely: “He refuses to go to bed without him. And every time, as the dad goes over the threshold, the son has a hysterics. “
It turns out that many mothers are faced with such a phenomenon – they do not sleep nights for the sake of the child, they sacrifice everything, but the baby loves the dad. Why does this happen? What to do about it? And most importantly, do you need to do something?
Psychologists say that children of different ages can choose different “favorites” for themselves. This applies to both mom and dad. In infancy, this is definitely a mom. At the age of three to five, it could be dad. In adolescence, everything will change again. There can be more than one or two such cycles. Psychologists advise in such a situation, first of all, to relax. After all, he still loves both of you. It’s just that now, at the moment, it is more interesting for him to spend time with one of you.
“The mental development of a child at an early age, from one to three years, is marked by periods of crisis that literally pass from one to the other. At the age of three, the child for the first time begins to separate himself from his mother, whom he until then considers one with himself. He becomes more independent, learns to perform various tasks on his own, ”explains psychologist Marina Bespalova.
Natural separation can be painful, but necessary
The reasons why a child can suddenly move away from mom and “stick” to dad can be different. It all depends on the characteristics of the psyche of the baby himself. But sometimes the reason may lie on the surface: the whole point is how much time parents spend with their child. Moms now, of course, will exclaim that they are with the child day and night. But the question here is the quality of the time spent with him, not the quantity.
“If a mother is with her child around the clock, everyone will only get tired of this: he and she,” says Galina Okhotnikova, a practicing psychologist. – Besides, she can be physically close, but that’s not it. What matters is the quality time we spend with the child, paying all our attention only to him, his feelings and concerns, worries and aspirations. And he has them, be sure. “
According to the specialist, it can be only 15 – 20 minutes, but for the baby they are very important – more important than the hours spent just in your presence while you are busy with your own business.
A baby’s attachment to one of the parents can even be painful. For example, a child does not let his mother leave him, she cannot be alone for a second, he is nearby everywhere: in the bathroom, in the toilet, they eat together. He does not want to stay with another adult – neither with his dad, nor with his grandmother, and even less so with a nanny. Going to kindergarten is also a whole problem.
“Such attachment traumatizes the child’s psyche, forms a manipulative model of his behavior and often becomes the cause of emotional burnout of the parents,” explains Marina Bespalova.
There may be several reasons for this behavior. The first is the absence of boundaries and rules in a child’s life. This usually happens when a child realizes that he can achieve what he wants with the help of screaming and crying.
“If the parent is not firm enough in his decision, the child will definitely feel it and try to achieve what he wants with the help of hysteria,” says the psychologist.
Second, the child mirrors the parent’s behavior. The kid is very sensitive to the mood and emotional background of adults. Any mood swings in the parents can cause behavioral changes in the baby.
“In practice, situations often arise when the emotional attachment of the parent to the child is so strong that the parent, without realizing it, becomes the cause of fears and tantrums in the child,” explains Marina Bespalova.
The third reason is fear, fears in the child. Which ones – you need to deal with a specialist.
No, well, why. If the baby does not demonstrate any tantrums, manipulations and painful conditions, then you just need to relax: let go of your insult, because it is simply stupid to be offended that the boy loves dad.
“Take care of yourself. If the mother twitches, gets annoyed, the child may withdraw even more. After all, he instantly reads her condition, her mood, ”says Galina Okhotnikova.
When a mother is happy, she and everyone in the family inspires happiness. “It is important for mom to understand what she herself wants. To do not what the environment broadcasts to her, but what she herself considers right. You will find something to do to your liking, stop obeying the imposed stereotypes, complexes, drive yourself into a framework, then you will be really happy, ”the specialist assures. Otherwise, the child, following the parental scenario, will drive himself into the framework of himself in the same way.
And the fact that the child longs to spend more time with his dad gives an excellent opportunity to finally spend his free time the way he wants: to meet with friends, to go for a walk, to take up a long-forgotten hobby. Become the best version of yourself.
And, of course, spend more time with your children – that very quality time, without gadgets and moralizing.