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How to survive this critical moment in a couple and why cheating helps both partners become better? The opinion of a psychotherapist working with couples.
How to respond to cheating
In our mentality, betrayal is perceived as aggression on the part of a partner. Therefore, the second half, having learned about adultery, most often feels like a victim.
My patients usually describe their condition as a feeling of uselessness, abandonment, which is accompanied by great resentment, depreciation of what was and loss in the situation. It seems to them that something important has been taken from them, that they have lost something valuable and unique in life.
At this moment, a woman needs to try to look at everything objectively and shift the focus of attention from herself to her perception of the situation. In fact, the problem is not in her, but in a partner who behaves differently than he once decided, breaking the oath of allegiance.
A man, cheating, creates for himself extreme difficulties in life, which, due to infantilism and internal immaturity, at first does not feel
This realization comes with age.
Usually, by the age of 35-40, my male patients formulate a request for help. They admit that after numerous betrayals, lies to their spouse, long-term relationships on the side, they get very tired of this contradiction in life, but they themselves are unable to cope.
Here you can draw an analogy with those who want to lose weight, but eat another piece of cake at night. By the way, I note that women realize the situation and the consequences of their betrayal almost immediately.
If a woman loves her partner and has not done anything ambiguous towards him, then the first thing she needs to do is stop considering herself a victim. This is important for further effective work to overcome and overcome the crisis.
Otherwise, there is a great risk of going into a state of confrontation and deaf defense. Or fall into paranoia and hypercontrol, constantly checking gadgets and the location of a partner. Neither one nor the other contributes to the development and preservation of relations.
Change is a resource for change for the better
Going «to the side» usually reveals problems both in a couple and in each partner. Deep fears and complexes come to the surface, on the development of which the future of the family depends.
As a rule, the patterns and traumas that guide everyone in these relationships become obvious. For example, a cheating spouse may, without realizing it, repeat the scenario of the parental family, in which father or mother was convicted of adultery. At the same time, in words, he can directly condemn such behavior.
Or after the appearance of the child, the spouse begins to feel a lack of attention from his wife and his uselessness. But since he unconsciously overlaps one need with another, then there is a reason for treason.
There is such a thing as «anniversary syndrome».
A married couple has conflicts at the same age at which their parents or grandparents experienced family discord, loss, shock
And unconsciously people from generation to generation repeat the generic program.
In psychogenealogy, this phenomenon is well studied and lends itself to qualitative study. Family therapy allows you to find gaps in your soul, psyche and behavior. The independent view of an expert helps to decipher all the emotional patterns that guide partners in order to bring everyone from the victims of circumstances to a qualitatively different level of the master of their own destiny.
In working with couples, I first analyze the family-generic scenario that brought people into this situation. And then I return to the partners a sense of responsibility for their situation.
From the position of the “owner”, the patient can already understand the meaning of what happened and begin internal changes to improve relations. Having gained his integrity, a person no longer wants to change, because he sees and feels the value of himself and the family union.
From experience I can say that for such a deeply honest look inside yourself, you need a certain courage. Not all of my patients decide to do this, and therefore get stuck in search of the meaning of life, resentment, conflict and the position of the victim. The result is a painful divorce, and each partner carries all of these unresolved traumas into the next relationship.
Why it is better to save than to destroy
In my opinion, the best, deepest and most effective spiritual practice is real family life. I have been happily married for 21 years and am the father of five children. I know firsthand what crises happen in a family and what a powerful resource it provides for overcoming them for relationships.
It is in the family that we are as open and vulnerable as possible in our nature and are unable to hide something from another. It is family relationships that highlight all our best and worst sides, forcing both partners to transform. The family cleans all the nooks and crannies of our soul so that we become stronger and happier, find harmony and the true meaning of life.
Family relationships are also a tool for physical recovery and healing, since they have the strongest emotional, energy and event resource. Thus, in a difficult situation of betrayal and betrayal, it is extremely important to act. And for this it is necessary to get out of the position of the victim as soon as possible.
This will allow you to adequately perceive the changes in life, make a correct analysis of the events that caused this “performance” and go through the path of internal transformations to gain inner integrity, harmony and happiness.