Why can’t I tell her, «It’s over between us»?

“The wife made it clear that her own interests are more precious to her, and Vera made the center of her life”

Alexander, 36 years old 

Thinking about how we have lived for the past five years, I still do not understand why I ended up in this situation. Probably, the sense of responsibility that slammed this mousetrap behind me is to blame. Or maybe just the feeling that someone needs me so much has become a drug for me? ..

When we met Vera, I was married. But the relationship between us went wrong even before she left for an internship in another country. We did not talk about divorce, but each of us took her departure with relief. We called up. And from a distance they were quite good friends. I relaxed: as it seemed, the ambiguous situation was resolved without my participation and without conflicts.

At the same time, a colleague introduced me to her girlfriend. It was a business acquaintance. Vera and her husband had a small advertising business, and I helped them with the software. At first, it seemed to me that this married couple had a great relationship. Vera treated Alexei with such emphatic concern. She proudly talked about his success in science, and now in business. Then I realized — this is the same performance as in my marriage.

Alexey and Vera simply maintained the appearance of an alliance. Faith was important to the presence of a person on whom she could rely. She had epilepsy, and in recent years she was afraid to leave the house, the attacks became unpredictable. Alexei often went to teach in another country, Vera found herself without help. She was helped by a friend, my colleague. Once she could not take her to the doctor and asked me about it. So I began to visit her more often. 

She must have felt it. She worked from home. Once, after I helped her with the computer, she offered to stay and drink some wine. I agreed, feeling that Vera was interested in me. It was in her eyes. She drew my attention to the snow falling beautifully outside the window and, as if by chance, hugged me by the shoulders. I wasn’t surprised.

This is how our relationship began. She made me literally the center of her life, and at first it seemed like something hypnotic. Only after some time did I realize that her defenselessness had become that trap from which there was no way out. 

Did she love me? I think a lot of it was driven by a sense of self-preservation. Alexei was far away, and I was near. He spent less and less time with Vera. I’m sure he knew about our connection, but did not show it. In the end, I let him go about his life and not take care of his wife.

Once in a cafe, she jokingly dropped: «Bring me a coat, my devoted page.» And it was already true. Then it seemed that it could not be otherwise. Because she needs my help.

And then my wife’s internship ended, and she returned home. Vera perceived her return as a threat. Of course, I could no longer rush to her at the first call. She began defiantly calling and writing to me during those hours when I was with my wife.

However, after the separation, my wife and I suddenly took a fresh look at each other and started talking about how to save the relationship. I realized that not everything is broken between us, we have a chance. I honestly told Vera about this, but it seemed that with this message I was depriving her of her life. She sat on the sofa, pale, and did not answer for a long time: “So, everything that happened didn’t mean anything to you,” she concluded. “That’s not true,” I replied. «But I’m married, and you always knew it.» «Leave». 

I hugged her and told her everything would be fine. I simply could not stand her gaze — such are the case with domestic dogs thrown out into the street, in which there is still strength and faith in a kind passerby. 

That evening I came home late. My wife had already guessed that I had someone — it was not difficult after persistent calls and messages from Vera. She said she saw our correspondence. And that it’s over between us. I didn’t have the strength to resist her. I was even glad that I didn’t have to make any decisions. Returned to Vera. And from that moment on, he was completely trapped.

At first, I was glad to be free of guilt. I still liked the feeling of being needed, of the fact that Vera so touchingly relies on me. But I realized more and more that I almost did not belong to myself.

One day Alexey called me and offered to meet. I decided that this was a business meeting, but he started talking about our relationship with Vera. He said he knew everything about us. He has a woman he wants to be with. And he is glad that, having parted with him, Vera will not be left alone. What could I answer him? I couldn’t say that I didn’t want him to leave his wife at all. Then it turned out, as if I used it. “You don’t have to consider me a rival,” he smiled in parting.

I just lost that feeling. Under her pressure, he moved — after all, she did not like to be alone, and after her husband left, «we can no longer hide.» Did I want it? Some inner strength convinced me that I could not help doing this.

After the move, I fell under her total control. She constantly wanted to know where I was, and if I was late, she called as if by chance. Once she said: “You started an affair with me, being married. If you have deceived one woman, you will deceive another.” We began to quarrel. I’m tired of this. Tired of the swing, when she either confesses to me “I can’t live without you”, then stops talking.

Sometimes I imagine that there is no Faith in my life. In my imagination, I told her many times that it was over between us. But when it comes to reality, I can’t make up my mind to take that step. I can’t stay with the thought that I ruined her life.