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Why betrayal of a partner brings so much suffering? Why destroys trust, destroys the plans that you built together, knocks the ground out from under your feet? Perhaps because by nature we are social creatures, and attachments are important for our survival.
The betrayal of a loved one is like a stab in the heart. Cheating can be different: these are one-time relationships against the background of alcohol intoxication, and real novels that last for months or years – with correspondence, calls, romantic dinners and regular sex. Does not matter.
Whatever the betrayal, when we learn about what happened, in addition to heartache, we are tormented by questions: “How could he do this?”, “When did this start?”, And simply “Why?” You can answer them only if you know the situation and the person. But there is something in common that makes betrayal so painful for any of us.
Attachment mechanisms
Our brains are wired in such a way that we are always looking for meaningful connections with others.
“In childhood, we become attached primarily to parents (or those who replace them). Many psychologists believe that in romantic relationships, we are trying to relive the unconditional love that we (ideally) felt as children. If our parents took full care of us, they were always ready to console us when we felt bad, and did not forget to repeat how they love us and what wonderful children we are. By calling each other affectionate nicknames, partners seem to be trying to return this feeling of unconditional love and care, ”explains psychotherapist Tim Martin, a specialist in the treatment of addictions and psychological trauma.
“When important social connections are destroyed or threatened, our brains react to it in much the same way as to physical pain,” writes neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman in his book The Social Species: Why We Need Each Other.
The pain of betrayal is really felt almost physically. And this pain is truly monstrous. It leaves deep spiritual wounds, and we cannot feel safe for a long time.
Breach of an unwritten contract
Yes, some partners maintain an open relationship, but this is not about them now. In a normal, monogamous couple, the two make a commitment to be physically faithful to each other. Many unfaithful partners look for excuses: “I had no other choice. My wife stopped having sex with me”, “I had the right to have an affair because I hate my husband.” But all these excuses do not take into account the obligations assumed.
By changing, we betray the partner’s trust. We are being blatantly dishonest. We lie. If we were unhappy with this person, we had other options – we could leave, get a divorce, sign up for couples therapy.
“If you cheated and hurt your partner, it is important to realize that this was a real betrayal and your only chance to prove the sincerity of repentance is to honestly admit that you betrayed the trust of a loved one, thereby inflicting deep trauma on him,” says Tim Martin.
“I feel like I don’t know this person anymore”
Many victims of a partner’s betrayal begin to think: “It seemed to me that I knew this person very well and everything was serious with him. But now I’m not sure anymore. What else is he hiding from me?
“Often a cheater resorts to gaslighting, trying to make a partner doubt himself. When a partner directly tells him about his suspicions, in response he hears something like: “Are you crazy, or what? What happened to you? Stop inventing,” emphasizes Tim Martin.
Trauma won’t go away
Alas, as much as we want quick fixes, healing from trauma is usually slow and difficult. Your unfaithful partner will most likely want to “leave it all behind” as soon as possible, but you will certainly need time.
No matter how many times he apologizes, it is unlikely to put you out of your misery. After the betrayal of a partner, some begin to be tormented by nightmares, anxiety, irritability increases, painful memories periodically pop up, mental performance worsens, and depression occurs.
Specialized psychotherapy, such as eye movement desensitization and processing (EMDR), can help in this case, allowing you to release and rethink “stuck” painful memories and sensations.
“The pain of betrayal is very real. You are not crazy. Yes, it is very unfair that you have to go to a psychotherapist. You haven’t done anything wrong. Only you can decide what to do with your pain. But the support of a competent specialist who knows how to listen and show empathy can help a lot,” says Tim Martin.