Why being nice is dangerous

You have met them, I have met them, and you may very well be one of them. Lovely, sincere people — they always see the best in others, take their word for it, are ready to lend a helping hand or voluntarily take on the task that no one wants to solve. They are responsive to the feelings of loved ones, easy to communicate with and rarely, if ever, argue. What’s wrong with all this? Nothing, you say. But if you are always nice to everyone 24/7, this style of behavior can be dangerous. Let’s look at the typical disadvantages of being overly friendly.

Accumulation of negativity

You are not only sweet, but also absolutely serene and unflappable, right? Probably not, unless you’re on some highly effective sedative. Unfortunately, «always nice» people tend to internalize — to hold onto negative emotions that naturally arise in everyday life. The by-product of this over-control is depression, anxiety, and addictions.

Regular breakdowns

If depression, anxiety, and addiction aren’t strong enough to keep inappropriate feelings in check, you’re more likely to take out your pent-up anger on a child, lash out at a quiet absent-minded co-worker, or drink yourself unconscious. Then you will feel terribly guilty, you will apologize, promising never to do it again … Until the pressure builds up again.

Self-criticism

In striving to be good, most likely, your endless feeling of guilt plays a special role. You blame yourself for everything: that you did not foresee the consequences, that your words made the other person act in this way. There is a critic inside you who constantly scolds you in an angry parental voice and shakes his finger. Under this pressure, you promise to try, to be even better, but no matter what you do, you will never be good enough. Pitiful existence.

Offense

The accumulated indignation can often result in a tantrum or a breakdown, but more often resentment and discontent simply smolder, constantly present in your life. The appearance of resentment is quite natural: by showing courtesy, you naturally expect others to appreciate your titanic efforts, follow your example and behave in the same way as you. Or without words they will understand what you need and give, although you never say what these needs are.

Advance Compromise

Instead of immediately clearly communicating your request to someone, you make predictions and assumptions about what the other person might want. And even before the conversation starts, you lower your own requirements.

Jeanne probably won’t agree to replace me for the entire weekend, you tell yourself. “I’ll ask her if she can marry me on Saturday.” When you do this all the time, you don’t get what you want (although you fantasize that the other person will read your mind and suggest the best option for you), but only a pitiful semblance of what you want. And everything seems to be OK. And life eventually becomes emasculated, devoid of sharpness.

Passive Aggression

In relation to those closest to you, you can choose a low-key passive-aggressive style of behavior: talking behind your back, throwing the words “following”, press, cause feelings of guilt, be offended, but not say why. And all because you do not allow yourself to express fatigue, irritation, dissatisfaction directly. You never tell your partner what you really want and feel. Avoid showdowns and open conflicts. As a result of such “half-hearted” honesty, relationships with loved ones dry up and can finally come to naught.

Does that mean you shouldn’t be cute?

Of course not. But there is a difference between a life driven by values ​​and a life driven by anxiety. The first is based on conviction, a firm understanding of how to deal with others. You are kind and considerate, you see that we are all surviving on this tiny point in the Universe. And you treat others the way you would like to be treated. You don’t do it because you «should» or fear later guilt, but because it’s your way of life. But along with that, you can say no, take care of yourself as much as others, be assertive and honest without being aggressive or hurtful. Life is mutually beneficial as much as it can be.

When your life is ruled by anxiety, you put yourself in a pleasant position to avoid conflict and confrontation that you cannot stand. Its essence is this: “I am happy if you are happy,” that is, I do everything necessary so as not to annoy anyone, because otherwise I start to worry. You can’t say no, you don’t speak your mind out loud, you don’t show honesty and assertiveness out of fear. This is not about values, but about the image that protects you from a frightening world.

If you feel really tired of being good all the time, or tired of the consequences of this lifestyle, then it’s time to turn off the autopilot and change your behavior.

Here’s what you can do to get started.

1. Slow down and try to understand how you really feel.

If you have become attached to the image of a person who is pleasant in all respects, most of the time you probably do not even understand your true feelings. Before quickly raising your hand on the fly when volunteers are called, take a few deep breaths and ask yourself if you really want to do it. The same applies to communication with a partner: do not make preliminary compromises, first think about what you really want. If you can’t tell right away, wait and ask yourself again how you feel.

2. Learn to say «no»

By not raising your hand, you are also saying “no,” but it’s still worth learning to express your refusal more actively — it’s about setting boundaries. For example, if you are asked to be on the parent committee of a class and you don’t want to, say no. Better yet, state your unwillingness before you are asked, so that others will immediately understand your position. If it’s too hard to say «no» in person, leave a voicemail or text message. Just do it.

3. Use anger as information

Pay attention to those situations in which you feel angry, annoyed or resentful. Use this information as an indication of what you don’t like and what you need. Report it out loud.

4. Be honest

Being honest is, on the one hand, declaring your boundaries, and on the other hand, taking a step towards closer relationships. Give up secular dialogues in favor of more frank and deep conversations, tell those who are nearby how you really feel, and do not give up on duty “everything is fine”.

5. Fight the inner critic

Your critical voices will go crazy when you start acting on the above. You will feel guilty. It will seem to you that the world will despise you and something terrible will happen. It always happens when you break the usual patterns. Take a few deep breaths and keep going.

Source: psychologytoday.com