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The desire to learn more about the person with whom the partner had a romantic relationship in the past is quite natural. Problems start when it creates anxiety, makes you feel vulnerable because your partner’s ex-girlfriend is superior to you in some way, and therefore threatens your union.
If a loved one is over 25 years old, then most likely he already has experience of close relationships behind him. And although we understand that this is natural and there is no reason for jealousy, we still sometimes fall into the trap of fears and prejudices.
Usually it all starts with fairly innocent questions: we are wondering what exactly could attract a partner in that woman and why they broke up. We justify our curiosity by saying that these answers will help us to be fully equipped and not repeat mistakes. However, our interest runs the risk of imperceptibly giving way to a painful addiction. What makes us feel insecure?
Fear that a partner will rekindle a relationship with an ex
“I caught my girlfriend checking my phone,” Artem is indignant. – She discovered the calls of my ex and insisted that I immediately delete her contacts in her presence. I began to explain that we needed to talk and resolve work issues, but I could hardly restrain myself from rage: just think, they control me and drive me into a corner! She cried and confessed that she was afraid of losing me. I was forced to answer that such checks do not bring us closer.”
“Obviously, behind the desire for the partner to stop communicating with the former, there is a feeling of insecurity,” comments psychologist Marina Myaus. “We designate another woman as a threat, even if the partner has no intention of re-establishing a relationship with her.
An attempt to control personal communication is not only a gross violation of the boundaries of a loved one, but also an open demonstration of one’s distrust. Not surprisingly, this causes a reaction of rejection. However, even if you try not to show your partner your anxiety related to his past, this does not make it possible to develop a relationship with the person who chose you and wants to be with you.”
What to do?
Do not hush up the problem and talk frankly about what worries you, but not in an ultimatum form, urging you to cut off all ties and delete contacts. If you can cite episodes when the partner himself recalled the former, it is worth telling him how you felt at those moments.
Most likely, this happened because that woman is part of the past, which is dear to him. However, he could also do this because of self-doubt, trying to attract your attention to himself. In any case, let this be a conversation that will help you understand each other’s feelings and allow you to treat them more carefully.
Fear of repeating the mistakes that destroyed the previous union of a loved one
Love involves trust and a certain insecurity – we risk hurting ourselves if the relationship does not live up to our expectations. To try to understand what turned out to be the cause of the collapse of the previous relationship of a loved one, we are pushed by a natural sense of self-preservation. It seems to us that in this way we can save ourselves and our union.
However, even if we know the facts, we still remain in the position of a person who was not a direct witness, much less a participant in what is happening and therefore often ascribes to history and its actors something that is quite likely far from reality. We begin to focus on the negative aspects of the relationship and interpret them as a hidden danger, instead of being grateful to each other for what makes us happy.
What to do?
Don’t do a special investigation through friends and social media – ask your partner directly what happened between him and his ex and how you can avoid it. It is important that both of you understand how you see your union in the future, whether your desires and expectations coincide.
Competition with an ex
“His ex-wife is a very beautiful woman, it’s stupid to deny it,” Maya shares. – I have always been pleased with my appearance, in addition, everyone considers me a successful and fulfilled person, but I can’t help myself – I feel that I’m losing to her in some way. To be fair, my partner doesn’t get tired of complimenting me, but this constant comparison haunts me.”
“Most likely, what is happening is only indirectly related to the partner’s past and is associated with the constant competition that a person is used to,” says Marina Myaus. – Entering into an unspoken competition with former partners, we, as a rule, continue the battle started in childhood for love and recognition, which were never given to us just like that, by the fact of birth, but got for success. As we grow older, we internalize this pattern of behavior and continue to “try and fit.”
What to do?
Your loved one chose you and that’s all that matters. Starting a competition with someone third, even if once close to your partner, you unconsciously concentrate your energy on building a connection with this person, raising his significance, symbolically inviting him into your life. Spending so much emotional experience, you only “de-energize” your relationship with your partner, switching your attention from what you already have to a senseless struggle with the past.