Why are you not married yet?

Take the author’s conclusions as friendly help, a sobering slap, or simply as a guide to personal relationships — as Tracy MacMillan herself advises with her inherent frankness and directness.

1. Relationship with a man is a projection of your attitude towards yourself

All love relationships are in some way like a fairy tale in which the bewitched man is forced to do things that reflect your own qualities.

Not to hurt you — although you will have that impression until you wake up from your long, deep sleep — but so that you can heal and understand what you really are.

Imagine that your relationship with a man is a movie showing how you feel about yourself and projected it onto a big blank wall called Him. In the film, all your thoughts about yourself — from «I’m fat» to «I’m attractive» — ​​will be magically spoken by Him and reflected in His behavior.

You may have always come across guys who criticized you, or those who cheated on you. It’s hard to agree with this, but you yourself are convinced that you should be treated that way.

The first time I heard this statement, I laughed. It pissed me off—a sure sign that you’re dealing with a subconscious belief.

Nobody gets angry about something unless they know deep down that it is at least partly true.

2. Your face can express too much.

If negative thoughts are usually swirling in your head, it will show on your face. Compressed lips, a heavy look in the eyes, contemptuously twisted cubes, stiff shoulders or arms can say something that you did not want to say.

You probably know what they say about men: they love with their eyes. This means that they extract a ton of information about you in a visual way. For you, this means — it may seem strange, but it is important — that you have to watch what you think.

Some of my most bitchy friends have no idea how eloquent facial expressions can be. Otherwise, they would be much more attentive to their thoughts and facial expressions.

3. Better not to give in to momentary impulses

My friend Lauren is the most impulsive girl in the world. For example, she once sent a man 19 text messages during one crazy party that lasted all night — and it all culminated at 6:40 in the morning with a call to his voice mail with the message that it was all over.

By three o’clock the next day, she wanted to return everything back, but the guy wisely did not pick up the phone at all. They work for the same company, and to say that the situation is awkward is to underestimate the degree of its awkwardness by about a thousand times.

Writing venomous, emotional or eccentric messages is the same as playing Russian roulette, with the difference that in this case the clip is almost fully loaded.

There is a tiny chance that the impulsive message you send him out of an urgent need to do it right now, right this second, will positively affect your relationship. But this chance is too small to outweigh the risk of this act.

4. To move on, forgive those who hurt you.

Imagine that you are going to try on shoes in the store, but the shoes are tied with such elastic gizmos so that they stay together. What happens when you put on those shoes, forgetting they’re tied, and take the first step?

You almost fall over because this stretchy contraption, just 5 cm long, holds them together.

And in the same way, your forward movement is limited by anger, fear, or the usual defensive attitude towards all men.

To forgive is to cut the rubber band that holds you in place. And the only person who can do this is you.

You must decide that you are not bound by the past.

For a while, you will probably notice that while you are taking very tiny steps, it is as if your shoes are still tied together. But gradually, as you practice forgiveness, you will feel more open, more loving, more free.

Forgiveness means allowing yourself to be off the hook and leave alone your mom, ex-lover, and everyone else who has ever hurt you — even if they really hurt you a lot. Not because you are a bigger person, but because you have finally realized that there is no hook.