Because we live without leaving ourselves time to feel every movement, impression, conversation, achievement. We have no time. This is the price we pay for scientific and technological progress. What to do? Psychoanalyst Svetlana Krivtsova answers this difficult question.
Information technologies make it difficult, and sometimes completely take away the opportunity to live life emotionally, to go through all its circumstances in closeness with oneself. When we have so many strong impressions and deeds, there is no space left for the spiritual processing of events. And as a result — emptiness and fear, which indicate that it is impossible to live like this.
This seems like a paradox from a cognitive point of view, but absolutely true from the point of view of feelings. The logic of emotions — the French philosopher Blaise Pascal called it «the logic of the heart» — is the same reality as the laws of physics. So that events do not devastate us, they need to be lived: it is important to leave room for feelings that do not come immediately.
Feelings need to be allowed, wait, pausing between things. Moreover, these pauses should be more significant than «effective time management» suggests.
We pay dearly for not giving ourselves time to enjoy, suffer, feel to the end what is happening to us.
This is one reason. But there are others. For example, life in the city. And especially in a big city. To what extent are cities generally adapted to a good life? They are uncomfortable, lonely, they are often unfriendly and even cruel … They harden us. We have to hide unpleasant experiences in order to be effective.
But it is impossible to repress only unpleasant feelings, and leave the pleasant ones. Soon we notice that there are no more feelings — neither good nor bad. We become more insensitive: a callus appears on the soul, like on a sore finger, to protect against pain.
Another reason: many of us have hysterical traits in our character. Both men and women in Russia often have difficulty or no access to their own experiences. Such a gap between thinking and feeling acts like an emotional anesthesia, making a person insensitive.
The hysteric does not withstand restrictions and prohibitions, but if he is given freedom, he drives himself into a corner: he puts everything off until the last moment, sets the bar too high for himself, exaggerates the troubles. And unconsciously brings himself to strong feelings, because only in this way he begins to feel something. It doesn’t matter what — irritation, discontent or anxiety.
In what direction are we in a hurry, running, accelerating more and more every day? Often we move “toward”: goals, values, what we consider important and justified — to give children a good education, to become a professional, to secure a decent life for ourselves in retirement.
But we also run away. First of all, from ourselves: we have so many things to do that we have no time to deal with our experiences. In fact, we are just afraid to look into ourselves, afraid that it will hurt. We remember well the form in which we were repeatedly asked to do this: “Look at yourself – what are you all about?!”
We cannot decide even on the simplest thing — to stop, sit, do nothing for five minutes. It causes irritation and even aggression when someone else sits and does nothing. As if all the time should be spent absolutely rationally, with benefit.
Some of us also run «for» — for the benefits that they seduce. In a consumer society, everything from clothes to household appliances is disposable, irreparable, quick-changeable. We are offered to find the meaning of life in the renewal of … things. We run for new models, fashionable novelties. It seems to us that, possessing just this, we will finally achieve complete satisfaction. But it doesn’t work… Why?
Often we are very vaguely aware of what we really need. After all, if I clearly imagine, intuitively feel, receive a clear message from the very depths of my being — “I need this, I can’t do without it”, this becomes a signal for the movement “towards”, a guide to action.
But because of the gap between ourselves and feelings, we do not hear what really comes from the depths.
We try to replace this inner voice with what we have peeped from others: it seems that this is what makes them happier.
What to do so that the movement towards the goals is not exhausting? Think more often. What is all this fuss about? That I love? Is it in my life? What has always been dear to me? Which of these have I already lived today?
These are very difficult questions. It won’t work right away to find what suits us — just as it’s impossible to immediately sit on the twine without training. But you can approach the goal gradually, overcoming discomfort, with small, soft steps.
It is useful to take a closer look at the overloads that happen in life with a friendly look. How did it happen that for the week when I have to hand in the most difficult report, I planned a couple more feats? Why do I ignore what I can get tired, just can not stand?
Man must not do more than he can. This is stupid and dishonest. The whole question is whether I know myself only as a concept of “what I should be”, or do I still treat myself, my body and emotions as a reality that should be respected.
If I believe that my duty is to do everything on the «five» and I have no right to show weakness if I ignore feelings that say the opposite, then I have no connection with reality. After all, I am also a reality.