We were told a little something wrong, we slam the door or send a virtual interlocutor to the ban. We do not want to tolerate when someone else’s opinion does not coincide with ours. And if it is not possible to convince the opponent, our paths diverge for a long time, and even forever. It seems that this is a purely Russian trait — intolerance to a different point of view. Psychologist Irina Bogoraz explains where this feature comes from.
“If we compare the Russian space with Europe and America, then intolerance towards something else is more characteristic of Russians,” says psychologist Irina Bogoraz. — The historical aspect makes itself felt: the Soviet past delayed the entry into democracy and individualization for many decades. In Europe, the development of individual character traits began much earlier than ours. Our experience is quite recent — the countdown has been going on since 1985-1990. The first individualists in the post-Soviet space are the generation of those who are at most 25 years old. The rest are accustomed to the fact that «I» is the last letter of the alphabet, brought up on collectivization.
History could not but affect us, when those who did not think like everyone else were destroyed. Even now, the expert believes, officially we have democracy. But there is still a rule between the lines “as it should be”, and not “as I want”.
“I compare the education system in Russia and England, where my children are studying now. Even in paid Russian schools, old school teachers in their 50s and 60s broadcast a model of pressure and submission. “I told you so, do it,” even if the form is softened with the word “please.” The teacher is not equal to the student. In the English school and university, the teacher stands on an equal footing with the student. Contact is built on questions: “What would you like? How can I help you? What can’t you do?» That is basically completely different approaches. How long should it take for our teacher to treat the child as a person? the psychologist thinks.
Even mothers don’t accept 100% of their children
There is another extreme: after so many years of not accepting personality as a basic value, suddenly the manifestation of personality broke through the dam. Perhaps the rejection of the other is a counteraction to this extreme of «individuality without boundaries»? After all, even mothers do not accept 100% of their children. So why expect unconditional acceptance from strangers?
Require or ask?
“We all want to be accepted, we want to be liked in all its variety of pluses and minuses. This is especially true for those aged 35 and above. For the most part, these are those who did not receive unconditional maternal love in childhood. Those over 35 are “deficient,” the psychologist explains. “And we want to make up for emotional deficits from others. Sometimes we do not ask, but demand, as infants demand. They do not yet know how to tell their mother otherwise that they are hungry, that they are cold, wet or in pain. They demand with the help of a cry — this is their language at this stage. And they often get their way. When the same demand occurs in adulthood, the person seems to regress. And it looks strange to others. It’s one thing when he does this in a psychotherapist’s office, and another thing is with a loved one or with a stranger on a social network. We must be prepared for the fact that it will not be accepted in this format.”
Moreover, it can cause an aggressive response. Much more effective and efficient is a different form: a request and recognition of one’s vulnerability and weakness. Then there are more chances to be heard, accepted, supported. In response, interlocutors can expose themselves and share their pain.
“I am glad that people go to psychologists for help — they need it so that they don’t take out their impulses on loved ones, don’t merge them on the Internet. They can learn to recognize their state and reactions, learn to deal with themselves in a respectful, safe environment.” Often we expect a partner to meet all the needs that were not met before, for example, by a mother or father. Then there is a high probability that sooner or later one of the «younger» partners will begin to win back the late teenage crisis and want to separate from the «parent».
Search within yourself or outside?
How does this rejection of the other manifest itself outside? Is it always a response to some signal from outside? And why do we react calmly to some signals, while others explode out of the blue?
“Quite often there is a phenomenon that in psychology is called projection. Clients come to me and complain that they are annoyed by children, partners, colleagues, parents. This causes a strong emotional reaction in the client. And he comes in a state of hopelessness, because either he openly expresses his irritation to others, which leads to constant conflicts, or he tries to suppress irritation in himself, because one cannot be angry with loved ones. In the second case, a deep sense of guilt and shame arises for the fact that he thinks so badly of his relatives.
Why do loved ones annoy us? Often they reflect our traits that we are not ready to accept in ourselves. But we begin to struggle with these traits not within ourselves, but in the outside world, which is much easier.
Russian women have a grandiose idea that a mother must be loved and cannot be argued with her
“Often, women in Russia show remarkable patience. Russian women have a grandiose idea that a mother must be loved and cannot be argued with, says Irina Bogoraz. — And with her husband should be an idealistic relationship. They are such, but in the period of falling in love, which one day passes. Women discover next to an ordinary person with flaws. And when they suddenly feel anger, hatred, disgust towards their partner, they get scared. “He deceived me, he was different!” And they decide: if something is wrong, then it is necessary to get a divorce. Or they hold back with their last strength and portray the perfect couple. But one day patience comes to an end. Since most of us have not been taught to respectfully express our dissatisfaction and express our position, we explode in such a way that it blows everyone and everything within a radius of several kilometers. Even innocent people fall into the “zone of lethal action” — for example, in the same social networks.
“Sometimes discontent accumulates for years, decades. The client comes to the psychotherapist’s office in a state of great destruction, when there is much to cry over, to pull out of the hidden chests of memory. It’s a long job. Some clients initially dump the accumulated aggression on the psychologist before starting to work with the underlying causes of their condition. And this is also not bad, let it be better here. In a safe space and on an emotionally prepared specialist. Of course, without assault, ”says the psychologist.
But where does so much aggression come from? “I rather attribute this to a rather high voltage in reality. We have a very difficult country to live in, a lot of instability. In addition, I explain this by the inability to hear yourself, your needs, the inability to satisfy your needs.
We are not accustomed to this due to historical and social circumstances. And as a result, we see a widespread discharge of negativity in the companies of acquaintances and friends, on the Internet, on the streets, in transport. Negativity is often caused not by a person with an alternative point of view, but by something else. Legs can grow from childhood, family life, problems at work. And we break down on the first one that comes under a hot hand. But does understanding the causes of aggression give the right to break loose? Where is that toggle switch, that red light that lights up in the imagination and we explode? For someone it is alcohol that removes locks, for someone words, intonations, formulations act.
“Everyone has physiological characteristics, someone is choleric, someone is phlegmatic. But there is a common place for all breakdowns: quite often a person takes other people’s words personally and sees in them something that the other did not put into it. He can hear rejection, depreciation of his opinion, and then he will get hurt, falling into psychological trauma, ”explains Irina Bogoraz. And since we do not know how to express an alternative opinion, we often begin to oppose precisely with depreciation. «It’s all nonsense.» «You’re delirious» and the like. And when it hits the familiar childhood devaluation, the trigger goes off. “Here it is important to track and analyze: how old am I now? What does this situation remind me of? What did this person really say to me? You need to try to turn off emotions and turn on analysis and reasoning. This will require experience and training.”
Other than a resource
But is there really nothing in our difference that is useful for ourselves and for our relations with others?
“We somehow belong to the animal world. And if we talk about the survival of the offspring, then the more differences the father and mother have, the more chances the child has to survive, having a wider range of responses. It is more adaptable for the future life,” Irina Bogoraz is convinced.
Each of us can think: what can the other give me that I don’t have?
Is it possible to tame your own aggression and direct it for good? “If you feel a strong negative emotion towards an outsider, this can mean two things: something is wrong with me, there is something in me that I do not see and do not accept. Or maybe a stranger reminds me of some significant person for me. It’s just that back then, in the past, our relationship wasn’t resolved.” Each of us can think: what can the other give me that I don’t have? How can we complement each other and make my life better?
“When we accept the opinions and differences of others, our own world becomes more whole. I saw an interesting visual metaphor online. Cylinder photographed. One person looks at it from the side of the base and sees a circle. Another looks sideways and sees a rectangle. Everyone is sure that he has the right picture of the world. But if they discussed and heard that everyone sees different things, they could see the whole cylinder. There would be a chance to see a 3D image that is more true to reality. It is worth learning to respect polar opinions. This will allow us to see a picture close to reality.”