Why are we losing?

Let’s be honest: we don’t need losses. Or do you really believe that failures and troubles are signs that you need to change something in your life or change yourself, lessons that you need to learn in order to grow and succeed?

Do you seriously think that the loss of a job for someone who needs to feed a family and pay a mortgage is a sign that it’s time to get out of your comfort zone and take action? Or is a divorce from a husband who left for a younger rival a signal for a woman that something needs to be changed in her life? And “there is no blessing without good”, “there would be no happiness, but misfortune helped”?

And what about losses that are impossible to talk about out loud, those that divide a person’s life into «before» and «after»? Are these also signals and signs? It is strange to think that thanks to them we have grown as individuals and achieved success. Doubtful benefits and no less dubious reasons for self-development.

Some say: you should ask yourself not “why” this happened to you, but “why”. In my opinion, a completely useless remark for a person in a situation of loss. What difference does it make for a mother whose child is not born, “why” she needs this experience? What will change in the life of a person who asks himself: “Why did the one whom I trusted and loved so much betray me?”

It is naive to believe that we are able to solve this riddle “for what”, and even more so — to secure ourselves in the future and become wiser thanks to this.

In my opinion, losses and troubles are unfortunate circumstances that happen according to the laws of probability theory and fit into soulless statistics. The main thing to understand when facing obstacles and problems is that they lead to a loss of self-worth.

For example, a person was fired. He was modest, executive, responsible, but it was necessary to reduce the staff, and he was used as a bargaining chip. We can conclude: here it is, the root of evil — modesty and inability to stand up for yourself! But at the same time, another employee was laid off in another company — self-confident, assertive, tenacious. These people will begin to look for the cause of what happened in themselves. The first will decide that he is too modest, he must become more assertive. And the second — that you need to be more modest and pliable. And what is the correct conclusion?

The main insidiousness of losses is that because of them our idea of ​​ourselves as good and right collapses. We lose value, cease to feel significant, respected. Our merits are forgotten, we are not needed and not important, alone, vulnerable. Few can take this situation in a positive way: “So what if I got fired! I’m still great! And why do I need this office — I will become an independent businessman! Although many, having become successful, say that it was this “kick” that they lacked in order to start acting.

But a «kick» is when you were fired from a job that you didn’t mind losing. This can still be considered a clue that life gives, but in reality it is only a minor setback. When nothing is at stake, we don’t feel bitter. What if it’s a loss of losses? If you were fired from a job that you loved, put your soul into it? This is no longer a hint, but a serious stress for the psyche. You are forced to go forward, not because positive motivation is going through the roof, but because there is no other way out. You’ve been shaken so much that you don’t feel pain, you don’t feel yourself. Stress temporarily mobilizes: a fragile woman will lift a car to pull a child out from under it. But then fatigue, apathy, despair will come, which will also have to be dealt with.

If you, experiencing a loss, think that what happened is the result of what you did wrong, were mistaken, were bad, we are talking about a loss of value. If you are sure that circumstances that did not depend on you, and continue to consider yourself good, valuable, important, then you have received a vaccine against the destructive power of losses and losses.

Loss, failure, betrayal is not a sign of fate. This is serious stress. And the best thing you can do to keep your inner stability and ground under your feet is not to start devaluing yourself and your actions, not to believe the circumstances and people who are trying to hurt you. Only awareness of one’s own importance and significance helps a person to push off from the bottom and rush upward. For what or whom — everyone decides for himself. The main thing is that you want to do it for yourself.

Your battle with loss and adversity can be considered won if you learn not to lose your worth and love yourself no matter what.

Renowned psychologist Virginia Satir devoted many years to the study of self-worth and wrote a «declaration of self-worth.» Read it to yourself at least once a week, and then your value will be very difficult to shake or destroy. Feel free to add your thoughts to the list, or write your own. The main condition of auto-training is that the text resonates in your heart and causes the triumph of your «I».

Virginia Satir’s declaration of self-worth:

• I am me.
• There is no one in the whole world exactly like me.
• Some people are somewhat like me, but no one is exactly like me.
• Everything that comes from me is truly mine, because it was I who chose it.
• I own everything that is in me: my body, including everything it does. Consciousness, including all thoughts and plans. Eyes, including all images they can see. Feelings, whatever they may be: anxiety, pleasure, tension, love, irritation, joy. The mouth and all the words it can utter: polite, affectionate or rude, right or wrong. The voice is loud or quiet. Actions addressed to other people or to myself.
• All my fantasies, dreams, hopes and fears belong to me.
• All my victories and successes, defeats and mistakes belong to me.
• All this belongs to me, and therefore I can get to know myself very intimately. I can love myself and make friends with myself. I can make everything in me contribute to my interests.
• Something about me puzzles me, and there is something about me that I don’t know. But because I am friends with myself and love myself, I can carefully and patiently discover in myself the sources of what puzzles me, and learn more about myself.
• Everything that I see and feel, say and do, think and feel at the moment is mine and allows me to know where I am and who I am at the moment.
• Looking back at the past, I can see something that does not quite suit me. I can discard what seems inappropriate, keep what seems very necessary, and discover something new in myself.
• I can see, hear, feel, think, speak and act. I have everything to be close to others, to be productive, to bring meaning and order to the world of things and people around me.
• I belong to myself and therefore I can build myself.
• I am me, and I am wonderful!

I am deeply convinced that if a person strives for achievements and development, he will come to them. And for this, trials are not at all necessary: ​​obstacles and failures. Losses and troubles break, harden and endow with a new, more impenetrable skin. This is the natural mechanism of meeting with what hurts us. How to calm and support yourself in such a situation? Preserving your value is the most important thing you can do. This will be real self-care.