Why are we looking for first love again

Having heard the question “Would you like to meet your first love again?”, We are unlikely to specify who we are talking about. For each of us behind this phrase is a specific person. What drives us when we try to track down his tracks? What do we lack in the present if we readily plunge into the past? What do we expect from meeting a person with whom we broke up 10, 20, 30 years ago?

Back to yourself

39-year-old Tatyana found a forum where her classmates talked, and among them – her first lover.

“We broke up in the middle of the 9th grade: my family moved to another city. For a long time I could not decide to write to the forum, and then I was very worried, waiting: will Victor answer or not? He answered, and now we correspond ten times a day, we can’t talk enough. It seems that we have again become as naive and sincere as we were 25 years ago.”

For many, first love symbolizes a moment in life when we felt empowered and the future seemed so promising.

“For the first time blinded by love, we are spontaneous, we are attracted by internal impulses and desires,” says Olga Dolgopolova, a Gestalt therapist. – We create an ideal image, in fact, projecting our desires and needs onto a specific person. We expect from him what we lack in life: understanding, tenderness, support, sexuality … “

If the relationship of young people develops, then the ideal romantic image gradually gives way to a real person. Years later, first love is often sought by those who could not or did not have enough time to get to know each other.

“But even in this case, our feelings are directed more likely not to another, but to ourselves,” says psychologist-consultant Boris Masterov. – We unconsciously strive to be in the past – in the time when, as it seems to us, we were better, cleaner and full of joyful hopes. And often behind this is the desire to return to your unrealized “I”.

express the unsaid

Those who go in search of their first love often say that they are also attracted by the feeling of understatement, incompleteness of the relationship.

This is especially acute if the relationship ended due to external circumstances that the lovers at that time did not have the strength to fight. Parental pressure, moving, public opinion…

“Unconsciously, identification arises with fairy-tale-mythological couples, literary heroes: Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, those whose love was forbidden, impossible due to external circumstances,” says psychotherapist Alexander Badkhen. “Early romantic relationships are also idealized in culture: poetry, music, literature, cinema.”

The feeling of incompleteness gives rise to an internal protest and a desire to find your first love, to “close the topic.”

This is confirmed by 28-year-old Anna: “We broke up because his parents strongly objected to our meetings. For a long time I could not believe that he chose them, and not me … Now I would like to see the person who was my first love, so that he sees me and understands how wrong he was. Well, at the same time make sure that he is indifferent to me.

Get a second chance

When we experience success, when our quality of life changes, or when we go through an identity crisis, we need to feel something unchanging, permanent. In order to maintain our identity, we seek support in the past.

“We are returning to ‘familiar territory’ because the old relationship is always safer than meeting a new person. The search for first love is a call for help to someone who was once dear to us, ”explains Alexander Badkhen.

“The easiest way is to go where it was once good. And the first love, if it was not associated with humiliation, is a very positive feeling, ”Boris Masterov agrees.

In search of first love, those of us who have taken place in different areas of life most often go: those who have a family, children, promising work … What do we lack?

Svetlana gave birth to a son at the age of 20, Sergey was her first lover, but he refused to marry and disappeared from her life.

“When my son was supposed to return from the army, I gathered my courage and called Sergei. We met, and a week later we realized that we cannot live without each other. Now we are together. It’s like I’m back in my 20s, I’ve lost weight, I go in for sports… I’m absolutely happy. I have not yet told my son, but I believe that he will understand me. I wish every woman at the age of 40 the same beautiful and strong love as in her youth, you just need to step over the offense and learn to be happy in the present.

Newfound love gives many a feeling of rebirth, as if they have found a recipe for eternal youth.

Find a point of reference

For each of us, the first love experience is one of the most important events in life. This is the end of childhood, the first departure from the family circle, a step into adulthood.

“First love, first meeting – this event changes every person,” says Boris Masterov. “We feel that we are no longer what we used to be. To some extent, this is a choice and a test of your path. Indeed, to one degree or another, all subsequent love relationships develop in accordance with the first love.

Alexander, 38, married a woman who once had an affair with a foreign student. The couple broke up: he left for his homeland, and she did not dare to radically change her life.

“Milena tells me about this story as if she had lived through it, but I see that the story is not really finished. I don’t want my wife to forget her first love – I think that feeling gives new light and warmth to our relationship. I’m even sure that if it wasn’t for this novel, she wouldn’t have chosen me.”

“The way we treat each other, how we touch, how we make love, what we say – all this is somehow connected with the experience of first love,” explains Boris Masterov. “We either take this model of relationships and partially reproduce it in the following love experiences, or build on it, build something completely opposite to a bad experience.”

Road to renewal

Sometimes meeting your first lover can be disappointing.

“It is similar to the feeling that we experience when returning to the city or quarter where our youth passed. Once there, you suddenly notice how much reality differs from the image that has been preserved in our memory, says Alexander Badkhen. “He may still be the one and only, but he takes up less space in the soul than before.”

This is confirmed by 39-year-old Evgenia: “It was enough for me to hear his “hello!” on the phone. – and the world blossomed with new colors. I knew his voice so well. Then we met again … and the charm was lost.

43-year-old Ilya says: “I confess, when we met Masha after 20 years of separation, my heart was almost torn to pieces: we still love the same books, films, admire the same people … But, when I realized that we could start all over again, I realized that with all my “coincidence” with Masha, I really love the woman who gave birth to my children.

Even if we again encounter what once pushed us away, this experience will still be useful. “This is how we see a person as a whole and part with his ideal image,” says Olga Dolgopolova. “But at the same time, we have the opportunity to start building new relationships, not necessarily love ones. We can enjoy communicating with each other in real circumstances.”

There are memories that stay with us for a lifetime. The way we build our families is largely determined by early relationships – with parents, close people.

“They have a psychological “reference point,” adds Alexander Badkhen. – Our first love is the continuation of these relations, their reconstruction, the first independent attempt to recreate them. This is its special psychological value. This experience remains in the hidden place of our soul, accessible to us all our lives, and we never lose sight of it.

The experience of searching and returning is always valuable, even if it is associated with the loss of illusions. We need it in order to better understand ourselves and live on.