“Those are your friends again!” Sometimes a girl is jealous of her boyfriend for his friends even more than for a potential rival. And the young man can’t stand “her girlfriends”. Why is this happening?
Often we do not understand why lovers protest against our communication with friends, especially if friends are of the same sex with us. It would seem that there is no reason to be jealous: nothing threatens the relationship. But jealousy can be so strong that it itself leads to a break.
This contradiction formed the basis of a study conducted by psychologists at the State University of New York at Buffalo (USA). The participants were 54 heterosexual couples – university students who faced the problem of jealousy of friends. The experiment took place in two stages.
At the first stage, the subjects determined their vision of relationships with a partner, their role in these relationships and the place they occupy in the life of a partner. To do this, the participants took a test with affirmative questions, such as: “How important is a romantic relationship in my life”, “My partner loves me very much”, “My partner wants our relationship to last as long as possible”, and so on. Analyzing the data, scientists noted how much each couple is attached to their partner.
For many young people, a relationship with a loved one is at the top of their life priorities.
At the second stage of the study, the participants of the experiment passed a kind of confidence test. At the same time, the relationship within the couple was not subjected to actual strength tests. Participants only had to talk about their surroundings, including their partner’s friends. The researchers then asked them to read a text describing the relationship of other couples and their neglect of each other in the course of the relationship. At the end of this stage, the participants described their emotions after reading. Data analysis showed that reading the text about neglect made most of those people who were strongly attached to a partner feel insecure in their own relationship.
The researchers suggested that the reason for the jealousy of friends in the couples participating in the experiment may be the lack of attention from the partner or uncertainty in reciprocal feelings. Jealousy for a lover’s friend may indicate a strong attachment of the one who is jealous, and his dependence on the attention of significant loved ones. For many young people, a relationship with a loved one is at the top of their life priorities. In this case, doubts about the reciprocal feeling of the partner and the need to share it with other people cause jealousy.
Another reason for jealousy is almost the opposite of the previous one: the jealous person’s uncertainty about what place he himself occupies in the life of his beloved. If a person doubts that he is really significant for a partner, if he feels a lack of attention or lack of trust in himself, a feeling of jealousy will not take long. Everything will be the reason for resentment: time spent with friends, and not with a partner, secrets and experiences told to a friend, and not to a partner. Also—and this is a very important cause of discord in couples—people who are jealous of friends tend to expect their lovers to be more responsive to their needs than to those of their friends. In this case, the closer the friend, the stronger the jealousy.
The study also uncovered some surprising facts. For example, married subjects often reported that they enjoyed spending time with friends rather than with spouses, without denying their love at all. They also cited stronger affection for friends than for partners. The reason for this was the belief of most of the participants in the experiment that friendship often lasts longer than romantic relationships. Well, how can you not be jealous?