Why are we friends?

The inscription “Marishka” lit up on the phone screen. It makes no sense to answer the call of your beloved friend at the height of the working day. In the evening, all in the evening, I think, muffling the phone trill.

But a week goes by before I find time to chat. And to agree that of course we have not seen each other for a long time. And what to meet. But what do these words mean to me today? Not at all what they meant before, when our friendship was just beginning …

It’s nice to remember that time! School life, and then students, all these merry gatherings, unbridled flight of fancy, rare unanimity. What happened to me and my friends today?

Why do we see each other less and less, we communicate on the run and without delving into, and sometimes we avoid meetings altogether, so as not to run into a sharp corner in a conversation that has suddenly arisen … We notice that it is no longer possible to argue about a new series without turning to shouting, or talk about their views on political events without angering each other.

And more and more often we ask ourselves if we have become strangers to each other, is it not better to stop communicating altogether so as not to experience this acute disappointment and resentment … Perhaps these are the exact words: disappointment and resentment. Where did these feelings come from?

Was it always like this?

It’s hard to believe, but the fate of every generation is to look back in search of high friendships. At all times, true friendship was considered a rarity, and its heyday was attributed to the past, sociologist Igor Kon writes in his fundamental study of the phenomenon of friendship.

But even 30 years ago, women and men also complained that relationships with friends were superficial, and envied the deep and devoted friendship of the 60s, and during the “thaw”, in turn, many admired the ideal relationship of the war years.

“It is interesting that an adult does not have an evolutionary need to be friends,” says social psychologist Margarita Zhamkochyan. – That is, from the point of view of the survival of the species, you can live without having friends. But at 13-15 years old, everything is different.

A friend or girlfriend in these years is absolutely necessary for the maturation of adolescents who are looking for themselves, their “I”: it is important for them to share what they feel, hear, see; to talk about what they are experiencing for the first time, to recognize themselves in another, or, conversely, to see their differences … This is how a person finds himself.

But as soon as a teenager reaches maturity, the urgent need for friendship fades. However, we continue to be friends. Why?

The need for close relationships

Psychologist John Bowlby insisted that it is only when we feel connected to other people that we feel safe. “The idea of ​​human self-sufficiency is nothing more than an illusion,” he writes. “Absolute independence is a fantasy or, to be precise, a delusion.

Lack of communication with their own kind leads to physical and psychological disorders. In conditions of complete isolation, we degenerate. Our need for affection makes dependence on another an integral part of being human.”

Three-quarters of those who took part in the Psychologies survey confirmed that they have friends. 44% have been friends since school, 38% since childhood, 24% since childhood, and 20% met at work. 21% believe that they are connected only by friendly relations. Here’s what they told us:

• “I have the only friend, he is the most generous and noble person I know” (Victoria, 33 years old);
• “Friends understand me, even when I don’t understand myself” (Maria, 37 years old);
• “Thanks to them, I became who I am” (Stanislav, 34);
• “I (and I need them) need friends as a mirror of feelings and thoughts” (Emma, ​​37 years old);
• “I am not alone with friends” (Margarita, 28 years old);
• “It is easy and pleasant for us to communicate, we understand each other perfectly” (Inna, 40 years old).

“What do you value most in friendship?” – 57% of our site visitors answered this question: “mutual understanding, commonality of views and interests”, for half it is important that they have a person they can always rely on, and 34% say that “friends allow them, first of all, to be pleasant spend time”.

We value the opportunity to communicate on an equal footing, dropping armor for a while, forgetting about the requirements of society, about the race – forward, higher, stronger … We just want to be. Cheerful, sad, crazy, restless, irritable… The way we are.

This is what is important to us in friendship, which some put even higher than love. It is for this that we seek, find and protect friends – sometimes making serious efforts.

And so it was already in the time of Plato: “friends are much closer to each other than mother and father, and friendship between them is stronger, because the “children” (that is, jointly developed qualities) connecting them are more beautiful and immortal.”

And we are friends, supporting and helping if necessary, trusting, caring for each other. We keep secrets, protect friends in their absence, do not teach them, because we respect the inner peace and independence of each. And as a result, that special connection is formed between us, which we cherish. And we grieve if one day we lose her …

Friend or circle?

You can be friends with two people, but still, most of us consider 5-6 people close friends. “For Russian culture, a friendly circle of friends is traditionally important,” explains philosopher Oleg Kharkhordin, scientific editor of the book Friendship: Essays on the Theory of Practice.

We are talking about a community of (at least) three adults who are emotionally close to each other, they have the same interests and life values, and in their interaction there are things: circulating (books, music, films), as well as wasted, which decrease in size or value or even destroyed in the course of the actions of friends (money, alcohol, food) …

A circle of friends brings together a language “acquired together” – as a result, communication is easy and pleasant. The feeling of intimacy is also achieved due to the fact that there are common experiences, a common experience, an understanding that you can rely on this person.

“This circle withstands quarrels, and someone’s departure, relocation and even death – all this does not affect relations,” continues Margarita Zhamkochyan.

This happens because the main thing remains between them, what once attracted them to each other and made them friends – a commonality of views, passion for one thing, belonging to the same group.

When the main thing in friendship is lost, the circle ceases to be a circle: those who were inside it feel emptiness, disappointment. This can explain, for example, the awkwardness of classmates who met after 15 years.

“Interests and topics that were understandable and important for everyone in school years are a thing of the past,” explains Margarita Zhamkochyan. – And the circle of friends who were united by precisely these values ​​simply fell apart. Meeting with classmates is an attempt to relive the past, to feel the spirit of school friendship again, to feel the ease of communication. But after two or three meetings, when the task is completed, the need passes.

Former friends may well unite, but only in order to solve some problem, help a friend, and then they again disperse in different directions.

New reality

“Now I can’t remember exactly what connected us then, many years ago, when our relationship was just beginning,” recalls 44-year-old Natalia. “We just had fun together. But then my friend left for America… And although we try not to lose sight of each other, it became more difficult to communicate.

However, if we manage to call and meet, it is still easy to talk. Our relationship is very dear to me: every time I think about Zhenya, I feel warm from the thought that somewhere, even if not very close, there is a person with whom most of my life is connected … “

Today it is really difficult to make friends. The researcher of the phenomenon of friendship, psychologist Jaap Denissen explains it this way: “Not so long ago, for almost all his life, a person lived in the same city, worked in the same company, and, of course, it was easier for him to find friends and keep in touch with them. Now this is not the case, and we began to suffer from depression and fears more often.

In addition, the change in the social situation in our country at the end of the last century and the social stratification that followed it also changed our communication with close friends. As Igor Kon wrote, “according to research in 1992, with the onset of change, 49% of men and women began to meet with friends less often, 30% to talk less on the phone, and 40% to correspond.”

“Usually, friendship is formed early, in school or student years, that is, at a time when the difference between us is still very small, and, say, the high material wealth of parents does not play a major role in communication,” says Jaap Denissen. – But over the years, someone successfully makes a career, while someone continues to barely make ends meet.

In order for the connection not to be interrupted, a greater tolerance for each other is necessary, as well as something in common that unites them and that does not depend on the bank account and the position held.

Social stratification is just one of the complexities of friendship that worries 38% of those who took part in our survey. 45% say that they do not have enough time for friendship in the first place.

“We are mistaken in thinking that time trouble itself can change the quality of our relations,” comments Margarita Zhamkochyan. “If the friendship is “settled”, if the same circle has developed, the number of meetings and the duration of communication cannot greatly affect mutual understanding.”

And yet, friendship, like relationships in general, needs to be taken care of. “Make time for her, see each other, offer each other help, find the right balance between closeness and distance,” adds Jaap Denissen. “And meet: after all, direct contact is the basis of any relationship.”

Reciprocity Treaty

On the other hand – and this is an undoubted advantage of our time – we have much more opportunities to get to know each other. And although there is a risk that the quality of the relationship will give way to quantity, and the superficiality will give way to the depth of communication, there are quite a few on forums, chats and social networks who claim that they are connected by real, not at all virtual, relationships. However, we notice that over the years we have less and less new friends.

“I tend to think that just by a certain age we already find real friends,” says Jaap Denissen. – Adults, realizing the finiteness of life, focus on proven relationships.

If in the end a person has five real friends, he did everything right. There is no more space in the heart, and there is no more energy. At the same time, older people have a smaller circle of friends than younger people, and relationship satisfaction (on average) is higher.

Modern means of communication help me in this – Zoom (to hear and see those who are now far away), a mobile phone with an unlimited tariff (to talk while you are standing in an evening traffic jam) … And also – mandatory breakfasts once a month with those who have become close to me during our common work, obligatory calls / messages on holidays …

There are many ways to be friends. Perhaps that is why we are still together with our closest friends and, as many years ago, are faithful to the tacit agreement on equality and mutual assistance. We trust each other, rejoice and suffer together. Although we don’t always agree on everything…

But we understand that friendship is fragile, that sometimes it can be shaken or threatened. But the connection that keeps us going and gives us the strength to be ourselves deserves to be cherished. And we are ready to do a lot to overcome misunderstandings and doubts, and even disappointment and resentment. After all, we have something to lose.