Why are we at war with our body?

Society adds fuel to the fire by maintaining rigid standards of beauty that are unattainable for most. The world is literally obsessed with looks. As if the right to happiness, and to life in general, is only for perfectly built people with regular features. But nature is wise, which means that we were all born so different for a reason.

“From birth, a child learns to meet the expectations of others: to be plump, rosy-cheeked, smiling. With age, these requirements are constantly changing, leading people to mental suffering, emotional wounds and crises,” explains Natalia Fomicheva, head of the Center for Applied Research “Russian Center for Psychosomatics”, in the preface to the book “Imaginary Bodies, True Essences” by Nicole Schnackenberg. The book is addressed both to practicing psychologists and psychotherapists, and to everyone who experiences shame, hatred, disgust for their body and wants to break out of the vicious circle by accepting themselves and their appearance.

The author of the book experienced the pangs of rebellion against her «I» and the experience of self-harm. She came to the conclusion that the external struggle with the body is nothing more than a smokescreen, designed to both hide and express our deep pain and need for healing. Finding the root cause, studying your pain — this is what will help you return from the world of the imaginary «I» (the term of the British pioneering doctor and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott), in which many live, to the world of the real «I».

Troll Mirror

Most of us start the day with a look in the mirror. But for banal reasons: fixing your hair, evaluating an outfit — there may be deeper ones. “Perhaps we hope to extract self-esteem from the reflection we see,” writes Nicole. The mirror reflects our experience, current ideas and ideas about who we were and what we should be. It is no coincidence that in the myths of all cultures there are sure to be stories about mirrors and the reflection of heroes. Narcissus, Perseus and Medusa Gorgon, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty…

In Andersen’s fairy tale, an evil troll made a magic mirror that distorted everything that was reflected in it. It was unable to show good and bright features, but only exaggerated dark and ugly qualities. The perception of only shortcomings, alas, went beyond the fabulous pages. More and more people perceive the reflection «as a window into the world of self-loathing, low self-esteem and decaying self-esteem,» says Nicole Schnackenberg. We suddenly all at once, from young to old, found ourselves in front of the mirror of the trolls.

Research data supports her opinion. A 2012 report by the British Joint Parliamentary Group on Body Image found that girls from the age of 5 begin to worry about their appearance. One in four seven-year-old girls has tried to lose weight at least once, 34% of boys and 49% of girls surveyed have gone on a diet to change their figure and lose weight, and 60% of British adults reported that they are ashamed of how they look. According to a 2014 survey by the British Social Attitudes Survey, 47% of UK adults believe that “how you look affects what you achieve in life”, and a third (32%) believe that “your value as a person depends about how you look.»

Throughout the second half of the XNUMXth century, the media and popular culture planted the myth that happiness can be constructed by manipulating appearance. “Many of us threw ourselves headlong into the next beauty or health project, hoping to soothe or suppress any emotional pain rooted in our childhood with the help of a change in the flesh. When we lose weight, build muscle, clear skin, or increase breast size, Western culture gives a standing ovation, thus legitimizing our further actions, ”says Nicole. Social networks only reinforce this trend, widening the gap between the real «I» and the imaginary «I».

Under the spell of shame

Behind a difficult relationship with the body are often shame, ignoring emotions, weak attachment, bullying, or sexual abuse. Shame often arises in situations of exposure or rejection, when a person looks at himself with someone else’s «condemning» look. For many, it becomes the most difficult test that they cannot afford. A person fixates on appearance in an attempt to control the evaluations of others, strives to create a «perfect» body in order to provide an accepting and loving look to the other. Often such people, attracting attention and craving encouragement, are credited with narcissism and vanity.

Conversely, people diagnosed with BDD often emphasize that their disorder is the opposite of vanity: they spend long hours in front of the mirror not to make themselves beautiful, but, on the contrary, considering their appearance disgusting. “They are trying to achieve a state that even remotely resembles a “normal” or acceptable appearance, allowing you to leave the house,” explains Nicole Schnackenberg.

Often this is due to emotional memories that have not been worked through enough. They are rooted in the fear of being ridiculed, bullied, or ignored. “It is only when we face the initial fear and tackle the original pain that any disorder associated with our appearance will begin to loosen its iron grip,” says Nicole Schnackerberg. In other words, if we understand the true reason for our overeating, starvation, tightening and pumping, skin injury in the form of tattoos, piercings, scars, then we will get rid of torment and come closer to accepting our body.

One such reason is the child’s difficulty attaching to significant adults, usually the mother or primary caregiver. If the mother is not aware of her emotions or, on the contrary, is too preoccupied with them, it will be more difficult for her to notice the feelings of the child. Sometimes parents react inconsistently to children’s emotions: either they support the child’s understanding of feelings, or they stop it. It happens that parents themselves have not healed their wounds and cannot provide the basic needs of children for safety and warmth.

It is difficult for children to learn to recognize feelings and manage them. Lack of secure attachment early in life makes them more prone to shame and dissociation later on (both of which are common in appearance disorders). Such people believe that thinness and beauty, muscularity and stateliness will help to keep relationships that they are terrified of losing.

Release the anger

Those who are busy with the struggle with appearance are often confused by their own emotions, which they do not know how to manage. Anger is an emotion that society condemns, confusing it with aggression. In fact, anger is a reaction to a threat to us, our loved ones, property, self-image, explains Nicole Schnackenberg. According to her, teenagers who suppress anger are more likely to restrict themselves in food.

The path to yourself lies through a return to emotions. First of all, anger. “For those of us who are struggling with our bodies, it is of paramount importance to return to the anger associated with the difficult events of our past. At some point, someone or something caused us to repress our true selves, and there is anger associated with that event or person, no matter how hard we try to deny it.”

The ability to feel emotions and come out of conflict with them unscathed has become one of the most important elements in Nicole’s personal rebirth. “However, full-fledged steps towards my wholeness became truly possible only when I stopped using endless tactics of avoiding and avoiding reality and allowed myself to feel. It meant getting completely out of my head and into my body, no matter how scared I was. When I took this decisive step, I was extremely amazed at how effective and life-changing inner feeling can be.

In the book, Nicole gives several examples of how she herself experienced sadness, anger, shame, and other emotions. How I learned to «slip into the feeling that I am larger than my body and feelings about it.» And how the idea of ​​attacking and ridiculing quietly evaporates, and in its place there is a state of reliability, security and peace.