In difficult times, no one lends a hand to us, and we live in a feeling of deep loneliness for many years. Why do people seem to turn away from us? Because no one will come to the rescue until we ourselves begin to love and protect ourselves, says psychotherapist Tina Gilberston.
Once on the train, I became an involuntary listener to the story of a fellow traveler. This is a sad, heart-wrenching story of a middle-aged woman who has felt betrayed, abandoned and alone all her life. Yes, she had her reasons.
Her father died when she was still a child, her mother remarried a man who had two daughters, and he treated his stepdaughter with obvious indifference. The girl could not establish relations with her stepfather’s children, she was offended at school, but she did not tell anyone about it. I realized that no one, including my mother, worried about her during her childhood and adolescence. And now, having matured, she remained to live in this tower of loneliness.
Girlfriends and men leave her. Everyone, from the boss at work to the owner of the apartment she rents, does not keep their word. All these years, the woman, according to her, continues to live as in childhood, without receiving support from anyone. Of course, the first natural impulse is to sympathize. In her story, you can see those who turned their backs and betrayed her. And only one, the most important person remains invisible in this row. This person is herself.
Alas, people who are deeply disappointed in everything and everyone rarely evoke sympathy.
What is the reason for this loneliness? That we betray ourselves. Sometimes it is difficult to catch the moment when we ourselves leave ourselves to the mercy of fate. Often this happens in such cases:
We are overly critical of ourselves.
We stop devoting time to our physical and mental well-being.
We allow people to violate their personal boundaries.
– We easily admit that we are wrong if they do not agree with us.
We are afraid to defend our point of view.
And these are just some of the examples.
What to do?
Become your own friend
I sincerely wanted to hug this woman and say that, alas, people who are deeply disappointed in everything and everyone rarely evoke sympathy.
Before someone wants to help us, it is important to form a relationship in which we show ourselves as a person who can take care of both ourselves and others. After all, those who complain about misunderstanding are not always ready to lend a shoulder to another. This is understandable – there is no additional resource to help someone else, because a person barely has enough strength for himself.
No one will teach us overnight to trust people, to become self-confident and happy. We can only come to this on our own.
Those around him instinctively feel that becoming his friend is a huge responsibility with the risk of becoming a constant emotional donor. Yes, it is especially difficult for people who are not surrounded by love and attention in childhood.
We cannot turn back the clock, but we can work through and let go (on our own or with professional help) of unresolved conflicts from childhood. No one will teach us overnight to trust people, to become self-confident and happy. We can only come to this on our own.
Become more independent
Another reason we may internally resist the role of a self-reliant person is the feeling that in this way we symbolically admit that close and reliable friends will never appear around us. And it makes you feel even more alone.
But in life, the stronger and more confident we are, the more interesting it is for others. They see us as a person who, in turn, can be relied upon. And it is to such a person that they will come to the rescue in difficult times.
Do we want help?
On the one hand, the lack of attention is what my fellow traveler was so worried about. On the other hand, she is accustomed to the role of a victim, who, by the will of fate, is constantly deprived. And although this role obviously brings her suffering, it is well known to her.
Sometimes, without even realizing it, we ourselves do not allow others to become more open with us. We believe deep down in our hearts that no one will hurt us again if they don’t get too close.
It’s worth starting by letting the most important person into your world – yourself. Do not give offense to this person, start an important dialogue with him and treat with care. Over time, by building confidence in ourselves, we are likely to be able to become more open with others.
About the Author: Tina Gilberston is a psychotherapist and bestselling author of Constructive Confrontation: Conquer Suffering by Allowing Yourself to Suffer.