Often we agree to something that does not please us at all, just so as not to upset our partner. Personal desires and needs are not just relegated to the background, but often completely excluded. Why do we behave like this?
Psychotherapists have repeatedly noticed that the stories they tell in their office do not arise by chance. Sometimes throughout the day different clients bring up the same topic, and sometimes what I thought about the day before sets the tone for many of my next meetings. How this happens is not clear.
Perhaps the work of the psychotherapist develops a special sensitivity, and in some places the emotionally charged topics of the client and the therapist become intertwined. It is part of a therapeutic relationship that has boundaries that are clearly defined and known to the participants.
Weaves also occur in other relationships: for example, in lovers. Many people remember the joyful surprise of the first meetings: one just thought, and the other immediately said! .. But if you are constantly tuned in to the other, the boundaries disappear, it becomes difficult to understand which feeling is mine and which is not. And then the logical question will be — whose life am I living?
Any behavior, even those that look useless and harmful, makes sense, and we need to figure out what
At the session, 45-year-old Elena described a typical situation: her husband offers her to have fun in the way he likes, without being interested in her opinion. It seems that Andrei sincerely believes that she likes hockey, heavy music, extreme sports. And Elena does not mind and forces herself to agree to what she is not interested in, and sometimes even scared. His feelings affect her more than her own.
“If he gets upset, I will lose my main support,” says Elena. “Let me not like these classes, I’d rather endure, just so as not to see him in a bad mood.”
Caring for Andrey’s feelings becomes her main life task, and she does not pay attention to herself. Strange behavior? But there is an important principle in psychotherapy: any behavior, even those that look useless and harmful, has a meaning, and we need to find out what it is.
This way of relating—putting the other first, turning her life into a footnote to his biography—helps her keep herself out of touch. Because where this contact could occur, pain and fear await her.
“Mom didn’t like me to say “I want,” says Elena. She got angry and said it didn’t matter. I didn’t want to see her upset.»
Elena is used to feeling guilty not even for what her desires lead to, but for the fact that she has them and is different from her mother’s. And if, already an adult, she thought about her own interests, this thought led her into confusion, as if she was claiming something to which she had no right.
She reacted to her husband’s grief in the same way as in childhood to her mother’s displeasure: «The world is collapsing, and I am to blame for this.» It took a fair amount of fortitude for her to simply face these experiences rather than avoid them.
Fortitude is required for anyone who wants to know what habitual behavior saves him from, what is hidden behind the illusion «I’m fine, peaceful and calm.» The role of the psychotherapist is to be close to the client so that he does not face his personal abyss alone.
Elena went through fear and went to the place where curiosity began: what is it like to be yourself? How will I feel if I allow myself to do this? She learned to draw a line between her inner world and her husband’s mood. And if she goes with Andrei to a hard rock concert, it is because she wants to spend time with him, and not because she is afraid. Hockey, sorry. She prefers ballet.