Contents
Everyone knows the feeling of insecurity. We experience it when we confess our love to another person, do something for the first time, or ask for forgiveness. Vulnerability appears in situations where we can be rejected, criticized or ridiculed. Why do we admire the openness and sincerity of other people, but do not hurry to follow their example?
When we see how another person allows himself to be vulnerable, we most often perceive his openness as a manifestation of strength of character. If we ourselves find ourselves in a similar situation, we see weakness in our vulnerability.
University of Houston professor Brené Brown, in The Great Dare, reflects on the reasons why we are shy and avoid feeling insecure: “We like to see the naked truth and openness in other people, but it’s scary to let them see the same in ourselves. Vulnerability is courage in you, lack in me.”
How do we assess vulnerability
Specialists from the University of Mannheim decided to develop Brown’s theory and find out what underlies this dual vulnerability assessment. The scientists recruited several hundred German students to find out how different people perceive this feeling.
During a series of experiments, students imagined themselves or other people in various defenseless situations: a declaration of love for their best friend, a confession of a serious mistake at work, a request for help addressed to a former boss, a demonstration of their imperfect body in a pool. Participants then rated the situation in terms of vulnerability and noted how they perceive it: as a manifestation of strength or weakness, as something to strive for or, conversely, something to avoid.
The participants agreed on one thing: each of the situations proposed in the experiments made people vulnerable, no matter who went through it. But, as Brené Brown predicted, students interpreted defenselessness differently. When someone else was in a difficult situation, they perceived this event in a more positive way compared to experiments in which they imagined themselves in a vulnerable state.
The same conclusions were confirmed when modeling a real situation of vulnerability. The students were told that they would be divided into two groups: one would have to sing a song in front of an audience without preparation, while the other would watch it. To the delight of the participants, after completing the questionnaires, no one had to go on stage.
Why is vulnerability more admired when someone else demonstrates it?
The researchers asked this question and decided to find out what was going on in the minds of the participants during the experiments. They asked the students to explain how they imagined scenarios of imaginary situations: concrete or abstract, detailed or not. Scientists have identified a clear pattern: when students imagined another person in a vulnerable situation, they thought more abstractly than they imagined themselves.
Psychologically speaking, this means that they have distanced themselves from the imaginary scenario. When we mentally separate ourselves from some event, we are less afraid of the possible risk, we focus more on the positive aspects of this situation. Let’s imagine a scenario in which another person made a serious mistake. Most likely, we will think: “In this case, we need to confess our deeds and apologize.” But if we imagine ourselves in the place of a participant in the situation, then first of all we think about the risks: “I can lose my job if I confess what I did.”
The authors of the study call the vulnerability a “beautiful nuisance” because it comes with both big risks and big rewards.
By placing ourselves in a situation of defenselessness, we can ruin our reputation or even lose friends. But, on the other hand, we can win acceptance from other people and find a wonderful sense of belonging. This study also suggests that perhaps we are overestimating the risks and underestimating the possible positive consequences for our lives.
“From the inside, showing vulnerability sometimes feels like weakness. But from the outside, such actions can look like a manifestation of courage. Sometimes it’s good to try to overcome fears and try to see the beauty in an awkward situation,” sums up Brown.
About the Author: Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston and author of The Gifts of Imperfection. How to love yourself the way you are” and “Great Dare”.