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How difficult it is sometimes to pronounce such a simple word “no”! But, agreeing to fulfill any request or accept an unnecessary offer, we find ourselves in captivity of other people’s desires. And as a result, we forget about our own. Therefore, we should break the vicious circle of eternal “yes” and learn to answer “no”.
Each of us happened to agree or say “maybe” when in fact we really wanted to say “no”. Decisive, irrevocable, meaning refusal, rejection and even opposition, this short word of one syllable remained unpronounced.
Such silence can hardly be explained by a simple and understandable desire to be polite. The inability to refuse rather indicates that we lack self-confidence. Why is this skill so necessary and so difficult to come by? The existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova answers.
Why is it important to be able to say “no”?
This skill allows us to define our place among other people and helps others recognize this place for us.
“By denying something, we defend our idea of what is acceptable for us and what is not,” Svetlana Krivtsova clarifies. – When we say: “No, I won’t go to the cinema with you, I need to stay at home” or “No, I can’t stay late at work because I have a meeting”, we take care of our own desires and interests, about which is precious and important to us.
Conversely, when we constantly follow the lead of others, we run the risk of being subjugated to the desires of others and deviate from the path that leads us to our own goals. This can lead to the fact that we will not be able to answer ourselves the questions “Who am I?” and “What do I want?”
Is it hard to say yes?
If it’s hard to say “no,” does that mean it might be just as hard for us to say “yes”?
Often this is exactly the case, because in both cases we are talking about the unwillingness to be yourself, to assert your position.
A person who finds it difficult to say “no” cannot really say “yes” either, because he does not have a clear idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbwhat he (does not) really want. It happens, however, in another way: for some of us, refusal is easy, and consent is difficult.
“When we say “yes” to something specific, it means that at the same time we say “no” to everything else, say goodbye to countless other options, explains Svetlana Krivtsova. – To firmly answer “yes”, we must have a clear idea of what we want, in what we see interest or meaning for ourselves. But often this is where we are not clear. And it’s easier for us to refuse, thus preserving the possibility of choice.”
Is it always the desire to avoid conflict?
This reason always comes first. We are afraid of the power of superiors and therefore do not object to him. We strive to maintain the interest, love of a partner – and we try to please him, we fully tune in to his wave.
“Each of us is connected with many people,” continues Svetlana Krivtsova. – We value these relations, but at the same time we want to preserve our “I”. It is more comfortable for those of us who manage to combine these desires.
What happens when, in an attempt to avoid conflict, we always agree?
“There is an effect of false harmony,” answers Svetlana Krivtsova. “Keeping relationships becomes more important than being yourself.” This logic of relationships is easily learned by children. Parents, often without even realizing it, teach them the same wordless submission: “Hush, don’t make noise, otherwise dad will get angry.”
The same logic is supported by the stereotypes traditional in our society: “you can’t show your negative feelings” or “a woman should be soft, complaisant.”
“Note that our body can say “no” for us,” the expert clarifies. – If a woman is not able to recognize her husband as a tyrant, her body becomes frigid, indifferent. If an employee is mercilessly exploited at work, his body says “no” to illness, hypertension or severe colds and, accordingly, a sick leave.”
Two: Say “no” and explain why
In sexual relationships, many women prefer to force themselves into accepting what they don’t like and pretend rather than say no to their partner. They explain this by the fear of offending him, disappointing him, deceiving his expectations and (the worst thing) losing him. The paradox is that those who pretend and lie are at much greater risk than those whose relationships are honest and built on openness. Psychotherapists explain: if we say “yes”, and at the same time we think “no”, we lose contact with our own body, and therefore access to pleasure. By pretending, a woman reduces her chances of feeling desire again. And a man’s desire weakens, because he, feeling a catch, loses confidence that he gives pleasure to his partner. How to be? Say “no” – and explain to the partner what we want, what we like and what we don’t. So we open before him the opportunity to better know both our body and our desires. Thus, the couple’s intimate relationship develops towards sexual understanding, and this is probably the best remedy against the desire to say no.
In different areas of life
Is it equally difficult to say “no” in different areas – professional, friendship, marital?
It all depends on what exactly caused this difficulty. For example, someone who experienced abuse as a child or grew up with the belief that others can love him only if he agrees with them on everything, lives with the confidence that to refuse is to put himself in danger.
Such a person is not able to launch the “no program” in any of the areas of his life: not in work, not in friendship, not in love.
The more tender feelings we experience for a person, the more difficult it is for us to assert ourselves in communication with him.
The situation is not so dramatic if the difficulties with refusal appear in a certain area.
“For example, many of us easily defend our boundaries at work, but turn out to be overly tolerant and malleable in relationships with a partner or parents,” says Svetlana Krivtsova. “In fact, the more tender feelings we have for a person, the more difficult it is for us to assert ourselves in communication with him.”
Can you learn to refuse?
It is possible, although the more we become accustomed to the “conciliatory” type of behavior, the more difficult it is to do so. Still worth a try.
“Ask yourself the question: what am I afraid of when I don’t dare to refuse? — suggests Svetlana Krivtsova. – Weigh what you gain and lose. Imagine what could happen in the most extreme case. If your research shows that you will lose more than you have now, then it makes sense to leave everything as it is. If nothing terrible happens, then you can try to stand up for yourself.
In order not to lose our “I”, we should listen to ourselves more often: what do I really want?
A beautiful example is the story of Andy Sachs, the heroine of the movie The Devil Wears Prada. She never said no to her boss, the domineering and demanding Miranda Priestley. As a result, Andy lost her personal relationship, broke up with a young man. But it was this gap that helped her determine what was dear and important to her.
Her “no” to Miranda is very effective: she throws her phone bursting with calls into the fountain and leaves. And it is by this act that he wins the respect of his boss.
“The charm of a person who knows how to define his boundaries, but at the same time does not enter into an open conflict, is so great that it affects even absurd bosses,” comments Svetlana Krivtsova. “However, such radical actions are difficult, and not always necessary. It is much more useful to learn to defend yourself and your interests in small steps: perhaps until I can achieve complete justice in relation to myself, but at least I can do something for myself!
Can the skill of answering “no” be acquired once and for all?
To be a self-confident person, to be able to refuse, to agree – we acquire these skills in childhood. And then we bring it to perfection when we learn to be delicate: we defend the boundaries, trying not to offend others.
However, over time, ideas about what is acceptable to us and what is not can change. Just like our thoughts, moods, attitudes. It is quite natural that beliefs in 20 and 40 years are different, and on those days when we are in a good mood, we are more tolerant of others.
On the other hand, any person, even quite self-confident, can suddenly feel vulnerable. And to discover that the harmonious system of his beliefs collapses before a difficult life situation – a difficult experience of a quarrel, parting, or the loss of a loved one.
In order not to lose our “I”, we should listen to ourselves more often and ask ourselves the question: what do I really want?
About it
- Manuel J. Smith “Confidence Training”, Speech, 2002.
- Vladimir Levy “The Art of Being Yourself”, Globus, 2000.
- Patty Brightman, Connie Hatch How to Say No Without Guilt, Ripol Classic, 2004.
Useful exercises
Psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova advises how to turn your fake “yes” into constructive “no”.
- Determine what is acceptable to you and what is not. Difficulty with rejection often arises from the fact that we are drowning in uncertainty, lost in doubt. Therefore, we should first of all understand our priorities, know what we stand for, what we want to protect.
- Learn to formulate your requirements in the affirmative. “I don’t want this” or “I can’t take it anymore” sounds like a denial. On the contrary, we must assert our position. So look for the answer to the question “What do I want?” (instead of “What don’t I want?”).
- Consider the benefits that can be derived from the ability to say “no” in a given situation. Visualizing these positive aspects gives confidence.
- Assess the degree of risk you feel you are taking by saying no. You may find that in reality it is smaller than you think. And often it can be much less! Such an analysis of the situation allows you to be more sober about your fears.
- Distinguish between a person’s personality and their behavior. Too often we think that saying “no” to a proposal means giving up on the person who made it. But it’s not! It is worth realizing that it is the fear of offending another that prevents us from saying “no”.
- Finally, work your way up slowly, that is, start answering “no” in situations where your refusal will not cause much loss. And then, feeling more and more confident, you will be able to express your disagreement in more difficult, disturbing situations.