Why are we afraid of compliments?

You must have come across a situation where a compliment was not perceived by the recipient at all as planned.

– You look great today!

What is usually worse?

As a result of such a reaction, the good message embedded in the compliment is depreciated at best, and at worst leads to conflict. But the idea was good from the start. Why do we take praise like this?

Compliment as social recognition

Eric Berne, the author of the transactional analysis method, coined the term “stroking”. In essence, this is the unit of attention that we need. After all, unconsciously we are afraid that we will disappear if we do not receive confirmation of our existence from others. The source of this fear must probably be sought in the early childhood of the human race: then, left without the support of the tribe, a person died in a few hours or days.

“Stroking” doesn’t have to be pleasurable – according to Berne, it’s any act that involves acknowledging the presence of another person. However, it is quite obvious that a positive recognition, that is, a compliment, should cause more enthusiasm. Why is it that some of us are so reluctant to accept praise and prefer to “eat the stale bread of criticism”?

Impact of self-esteem

“The reaction to a compliment – ​​rejection or acceptance – is directly related to such personal characteristics as experience, communication skills, motivation, and self-esteem,” says psychologist Vladimir Pavlovsky. – If people who are important to us often say, for example, “you are stupid”, we gradually accept this characteristic. We pull it on ourselves, like a T-shirt, from which we grew up a long time ago, “but mom likes it.” We accept this characteristic.

Suddenly someone says: “You’re smart.” A wave of pleasure, increased self-esteem, endorphins in the blood. Here comes the inner voice: “It’s not true, you’re stupid” – a kind of stronghold of established opinion. And we get lost, mumbling something like “What are you, I’m completely different …” This is a common cognitive conflict, when our “I” simply does not know what to do with conflicting information.”

Low self-esteem – and this may be only some part of our self-image (for example, “I’m generally good, but I’m not good at dancing”) – can really cause cognitive dissonance and cause a compliment to be rejected. But this is not always the case. Even people who are quite confident in themselves and their talents may refuse to accept well-deserved praise. What could be the reason?

Willingness to accept praise depends on education

Claude Steiner, a student of Bern, studied the subject of interest to us – the topic of unconscious self-restraint and the withdrawal of positive attention. Categorical in his assessments, the researcher blames families for everything: “Fewer families use physical force when raising children, while the majority manipulate strokes. Thus, “stroking” becomes a means of social control.

According to Steiner, parents establish a “monopoly” on positive influences for their children: to get the maximum amount of love and attention from them, and also to limit the influence of other people on the child. After all, if a child will accept “strokes” from others, then how to use them to reinforce the correct, in the opinion of the parent, behavior? As a result, one of Steiner’s disastrous prohibitions is born: “Do not take strokes when you want to take them.”

This is one of those cases where awareness of the problem practically solves it. A person, realizing that he has a ban on accepting a pleasant compliment, can transfer it to the realm of awareness and cope with the ban. However, do we always like compliments?

Does the quality of praise matter?

Sometimes, under the guise of praise, we are offered something completely different, and then the refusal to accept this “something” becomes not a sign of low self-esteem or an authoritarian upbringing. This is the reaction of a healthy body to a harmful product.

“Compliments often serve as triggers, “shooting” the reaction we need. If I want to confuse the interlocutor, unbalance him, put him in a position of submission, then I use an obscene (permissible, but hinting at something socially discouraged) compliment, ”says Vladimir Pavlovsky.

A compliment may not be desirable, even if it does not have a negative connotation. Quite often, beautiful women, accustomed to admiration, ask not to judge them by their appearance: “Is it really all I have is a face and a figure? Actually, I’m also a person.” In this case, withholding the compliment is more of a request for deeper understanding than withholding communication.

And finally, the natural reaction of rejection is caused by undisguised flattery, expressed with manipulative goals. “We need to develop critical thinking in ourselves,” says psychologist Yulia Fedotova. – Flattery can become an activator, push for positive changes and actions, make you believe in yourself. But still, it is necessary to distinguish between sincere, well-deserved praise and flattery that has nothing to do with reality.

How to accept compliments

Is it worth rejecting a compliment, regardless of whether it was sincere or concealed a double bottom? Indeed, in the first case, we offend a person who was kind to us, and in the second, we demonstrate that the injection achieved its goal, that is, it brought us out of emotional balance. Wouldn’t it be better to say, “Yes, you’re right, thank you” in both cases?

It is “yes, thank you” that psychologists-trainers recommend when they teach positive transactions. Whether or not the praise had a subtext, I refuse to see it. It doesn’t matter if you want to get something in exchange for your praise, it’s none of my business.

– Look great today.

Thanks, I think so too.

Much easier.

And only negativity disguised as praise should be rejected without hesitation and without fear of hurting someone’s feelings. Because, as Claude Steiner wrote, “accepting negative strokes is akin to drinking dirty water.”