Why are we afraid of a premature declaration of love?

“We met on a dating site. We were immediately drawn to each other from the first messages in correspondence, and then on the phone. Three days later we met in reality,” says 45-year-old Alexei. – Already in the second week of communication, words of love almost broke from my tongue, but I restrained myself. I wanted to be sure that my partner was ready not only to hear them, but also to reciprocate.

But on the 40-year-old Irina, recognition fell in the messenger on the fourth day of their acquaintance. And then the question: “And you? Do you love me?”. “I was taken aback: I have never been recognized so quickly. Unless in a pioneer camp – the boys slipped notes without a signature under the door of our girls’ ward. And I wondered which of the 15 boys wrote this. It was child’s play, no obligation. And then … I do not understand how you can truly fall in love in four days, and therefore alerted. In general, I only wanted sex and no deep relationships. And love is already too much for me, and even in such a hurry.

We all have a different idea of ​​what it means to confess “on time”. How to guess that it’s still early or it’s time?

Stage of “love drunkenness”

“For many, the words“ I love ”mean precisely a deep, proven feeling that replaces the period of falling in love, which, according to some studies and psychologists, can last from 3-6 months to three years,” says psychoanalyst Ilya Suslov. Therefore, it’s more honest at the initial stage, with overwhelming feelings, to express it a little differently: the maximum is “I’m in love with you” or “I feel good with you”, “I like you”, “I like to look at you, touch you”, “you are very attractive , cute”, “I miss you”.

Other options are also suitable, reflecting the true state of affairs: we are drawn to another, we are overwhelmed with emotions, but this ninth wave is not yet love in the full sense. This is love, which manifests itself first at the hormonal level.

“At the very beginning of a relationship, more than five hormones are produced in high doses, and the person is under a “hormonal high.” He is, in fact, in an altered state. No wonder some psychologists and psychiatrists compare falling in love with a manifesto of mental illness,” continues Ilya Suslov.

And just as it is impossible to believe a person in a state of alcoholic or drug intoxication, so at first you need to believe in love with great care. In a month, two, three, he will “sober up”, and then you won’t have to divide his promises by 48.

Aleksey also confirms the words of the psychologist: “For the first few weeks, I felt on an incredible rise. You sleep for 4,5 hours, cheerful, tireless, it seems you can move mountains. You walk along the road with a smile from ear to ear, dance right on the street, sing songs, suddenly you start, like at 16, to send poems, favorite songs, pictures with quotes about love to the object of adoration. Constantly thinking about her, 24/7! To be honest, I was almost insane.”

Apparently, we subconsciously suspect something like this. And we are intuitively suspicious of the early recognition – “This is not serious!”. The psychologist is sure: this is because the “magic words” are devalued by hormonal arousal. For us, they are not true, but the truth is that a person is in love, passionate, excited. But it’s not love yet.

Mutual thrust

“I wanted to get to know her better, prolong a romantic relationship, without kissing … I wanted to be sure that Lena would be ready to hear my confession, and I was waiting for the right moment. I didn’t want to confess casually, at dinner in a cafe, at the cinema or while shopping, on the phone, and even more so in SMS, recalls Alexey. – I wanted to confess beautifully and be sure that I would hear sincere mutual words in response. And such a day has come.

Three weeks later, when I felt that she was on the same wavelength as me, that our craving for each other was the same, while walking in a park in a secluded place, I put one of our favorite tunes on the phone, spun it in a dance and , gently hugging, confessed his love and heard the secret in response: “And I love you!” We closed our eyes… It was a moment of happiness that we will never forget. And only in the evening, when I saw her home, we kissed for the first time.

If one of the partners is not ready to confess deep feelings, an incident can happen, as in the case of Irina. “When Sergey asked if I love him, I threw out of surprise:“ No, of course, why else? – and I realized from his silence that he was offended. The next day, I explained to him that I could not go so fast, asked me not to rush. And he replied that you can understand whether this is your person after four hours. But understanding and loving are two different things!”

Each of us has our own relationship dynamics. “We want to be sure that we have an equal attraction to each other, that we experience similar feelings,” explains Ilya Suslov. – It is important for us that the vectors of our feelings are centripetal. However, the speed can be different, and there can be many reasons for this. But in any case, with different dynamics, the one who slows down involuntarily feels obliged.

It is as if we were given a gift, and we came empty-handed. And this is burdensome, because he or she is waiting for something in return. Or self-digging begins: “Oh, he feels something, but I still don’t, I’m probably somehow not like that, something is wrong with me.”

If we are strongly pressed by our confessions and even more so require an answer, then the victim is included in us, and the persecutor is in the partner. “And it turns out that one of the partners accelerates the dynamics of the other. And he is often forced to confess – but not because he really loves, but because he is tired of being guilty, tired of “offending another.” Will the relationship be sincere, inspiring, inspiring, mutual after this? Hardly,” the psychoanalyst is convinced.

See both sides of the coin

It happens that initially one of the partners, when an acquaintance was started, did not imagine that it would be for a long time, as in the case of Irina. For her, it was just sex and nothing more. “It happens that former psychological traumas that give rise to mistrust speak in us – past unsuccessful relationships or insecure attachment that came back to haunt us from childhood,” comments Ilya Suslov.

“Or our intellectual censor turns on: “You still don’t know me much, I don’t believe that you love me, because you haven’t seen my bad sides yet.” As my colleague, psychodramatist Ekaterina Kryukova, likes to joke, if you are recognized from a good side, do not turn around.

In two weeks it is really impossible to recognize a person, unless it is some kind of extreme circumstances that open us at once in all its glory. In such situations, the rose-colored glasses of falling in love are usually broken quite quickly by real behavior.

“We broke up with Sergey quickly, after two weeks,” Irina shares. – Once we were driving a taxi, and the car had an accident. Nothing serious, it was the other driver’s fault. But Sergei suddenly began to yell at our taxi driver, as if he had broken the chain. It was disgusting! Seeing him in anger, I no longer wanted to be with him. I can’t stand it when someone is humiliated in front of me. And where is the guarantee that he will not yell at me if something goes wrong.

However, you can notice the negative aspects of the partner, but do not attach importance to them, as in the case of Alexei: “I saw Lena’s not very pleasant features, but in the first weeks of communication I multiplied all this by zero.”

At first, during the period of falling in love, our brain leaves the negative that we notice behind frosted glass. “We love not yet a real person, but an ideal image that we have created,” explains the psychologist. – And when we talk about love as a deep feeling, we assume that finally the other accepts us completely, completely, without filtering for good and bad. And then we can trust him.”

Negotiate and be honest

“If we are not ready to show feelings, but our goals are the same with a partner (we are both thinking about a serious partnership), it’s possible to respectfully say about it: “Sorry, I’m not ready yet, I need time.” If you initially aim only at regular sex, then you should not reassure your partner, keep him on the hook – this is more like manipulation, which has little to do with love. In fact, you are using the other for your own purposes, ”says Ilya Suslov.

“You can honestly say: “I’m good with you in sex, I like spending time with you, but I can’t promise that I will love you.” Having said this, you can lose the chance of regular sex. But at least you won’t give your partner false hope by delaying what is likely to be a difficult breakup.”

Often we enter into new relationships without “closing” the old ones. We are not psychologically ready yet. Formally, we are free, but we still cherish the hope that he or she will return, understand how wrong he was, and then … Or just a little time has passed – less than two years (it is during this period that our spiritual wound, as a rule, heals).

For a new relationship, you need a cleared place. Are we ready to admit to ourselves that the general cleaning in our heart has not yet been carried out? And that in fact it is not the partner who is in a hurry with recognition, but we are rushing into a new relationship too early?

Often, after a divorce or separation, we are in no hurry to enter into a serious partnership, and even more so marriage, we want to “walk up”, “drink freedom to the bottom”. “A person is in an infantile position: “I want to have fun, I don’t want to take responsibility, I just want sex, experiments. It is similar to what we experience in youth, early youth,” explains the psychologist.

“It’s not bad and it’s not good. It’s just such a period, and, most likely, it will not last long, if earlier alliances were strong and long-term. Unless there was a traumatic experience in marriage, after which any permanent partner means danger. This period in your life should not be scared. You can recognize it, acknowledge it, and give yourself time to experience it.

Just as one should not be afraid of pragmatic goals in a relationship, Ilya Suslov believes. “Some of us are looking for a couple so as not to be lonely, someone needs a sponsor, someone needs sex. A local pragmatic task is set, which, perhaps, is not approved by morality or the church, but we all temporarily have the right to be infantile and pragmatic. Especially if we are honest with ourselves and with others.”