The view of the famous French neuropsychologist Boris Tsiryulnik on how the upbringing of children and the position of young people in society have changed today.
Psychologies: What has changed today in the view of society on the upbringing of children?
Boris Tsirulnik: We have moved from the culture of Oedipus to the culture of Narcissus. In other words, from a society that values self-sacrifice to a society that values self-realization. Thus, now the child is told not “When you grow up, you will become like a father, or you will become a mother, like a mother”, but “You have only one life, and this is the main thing. It is necessary that you succeed in it, that you master a profession in which you could fulfill yourself, that you produce children if you want, but not too many, so that they do not drive you crazy.
Will the lives of those raised in this way become happier?
B. C .: The narcissist is happy, this is happiness… at first. But, according to the myth, Narcissus drowned, but in reality we see how terrible narcissistic wounds appear. I remember one young patient, brilliant and handsome, who told me, «I’m worse than shit!» — due to the fact that he did not enter the pedagogical institute.
Do young people need unhappiness to be realistic about themselves?
B. C .: Trial — not misfortune — is the condition for acquiring identity. It is necessary for self-knowledge. It is for this reason that all cultures have invented trials for youth, initiation rituals. In our time, they have disappeared — and I think that the reason for the disadvantage of the young is precisely this, at least in part. Drugs, alcohol, fights of football fans after matches — not only hooligans indulge in all this. These are young people who are dying of boredom and seeking to find a test for themselves. In poor countries, you won’t see such risky manifestations, but in our everyday culture, these are all ways to make up for the lack of rituals that were previously offered by society.
Are there safer ways to assert yourself?
B. C .: Our society must invent new (and not stupid — no war, no sadistic hazing) rituals of admission to the group. The Americans are trying to find them again: they arrange a ceremony in which a young man stands on the table, tells what he has done, throws his hat, and so on. It is a simple ceremony, and yet for these young people the time is divided into before and after.
Does this mean that society should encourage citizens to give up personal comfort?
B. C .: The pursuit of happiness and comfort is an obvious, undeniable progress. Taking risks means not wanting that comfort anymore. In a society where there is no respect for risk, where from the age of 18 people think about retirement and strive to be protected from all sides, people paradoxically develop anxiety: anxiety of loss. And it begins with the fear of losing your advantages in favor of other people. Of course, we cannot wish for the value of «sacrifice» to return and no one else to care about self-realization. We can only wait and see what the next «crisis» will offer us.