Why are parents so worried?

“Yesterday I tormented myself for half a day, trying to understand whether I had spoken to my ten-year-old daughter correctly! 38-year-old Marina admits. – It’s not that she had any special problems, but every time I make a decision, I doubt: is it necessary to do so? Have I found the right words? Honestly, sometimes I envy my parents who raised me without being tormented by such questions.

Today, there are many parents like Marina among us. Struggling to make the best of their role, constantly feeling guilty, they sometimes get lost in conflicting opinions and advice about parenting, become amateur psychologists, or seek to resolve any issue with the help of specialists.

How to maintain authority without suppressing the child? Respect his personality, not pushing him to permissiveness? Being both a close friend and an authoritative, strong adult? Today parents need answers to these questions more than ever.

The burden of hope

Not everyone can count on a stable job or a strong marriage, which is why so often children become for parents the personification of their hopes and the meaning of life.

“In addition, in our society there is a strong opinion that “children are more important than parents,” which means that “we must sacrifice everything for them,” says psychotherapist Ekaterina Zhornyak. “Such an incorrect attitude literally forces fathers and mothers to consider the child almost as the only justification for their existence.”

She also imposes an overwhelming task on the child himself – to always embody the ideal. “Since the divorce, children have been my main priority,” admits Arina, the mother of a three-year-old daughter and an eight-year-old son. – I have everything under control: their entertainment, circles, school and home life. Of course, it is difficult for me, but how else? I want them to be happy.”

To create perfection – to raise an ideal child – is only possible for the almighty. But, as psychoanalysis explains, the feeling of omnipotence once filled each of us with happiness in infancy. Now we can relive that feeling again thanks to the “object child” who is able to prove our parental competence by pleasing our ego with his success.

Feeling that there is a lack of “educational power”, parents look for answers in the literature, on the Internet, at the appointments with psychologists and doctors. Self-doubt makes it difficult to trust your intuition.

“My son always had a slightly hoarse voice,” says Olga, the mother of 12-year-old Sasha. – It did not bother me until someone said that my son might have problems with ligaments. We made an appointment with an otolaryngologist, then a speech therapist. As a result, the doctors found … that this is his natural timbre! It could have been corrected, but the son refused: “Why on earth? I’ve always said that.” Here, as they say, is the voice of reason that I have lost!

Generation “psy”

“Many parents get the impression that a consultation with a specialist can immediately remove all questions,” says Ekaterina Zhornyak. – In fact, the task of a psychologist is not to issue a miraculous recipe or teach how to live correctly. In most cases, he informs parents about the mechanisms and ways of communicating with children and helps them find their own approach to the child.

In other words, you should not go to a psychologist to decide what is best for the youngest to do – judo or karate.

Another principle that we tend to forget is that education is still the job of parents. Evgenia, a mother of three girls aged 5, 8 and 12, says that during her first pregnancy she read “everything she could” because she did not want to repeat the mistakes of her own mother. But when her first daughter, according to the law of the “crisis of three years”, began to repeat “no” to any request, Evgenia panicked.

“I tried to do what the books suggested, but it didn’t come naturally to me. Only after talking with other parents and watching other children, I realized that I need to learn to combine knowledge with my own observations and feelings.

“We see how anxious parents are when they come to us for the first time,” says psychologist Olga Varpakhovskaya, head of the Green Door Center for Early Childhood Socialization. – They are worried about how good they are, how others evaluate them, whether they and their children are far from ideal …

We try to help them understand that there is nothing better for a child than his own parents. And the worst thing for him is their insecurity and anxiety. We want everyone to be convinced that children (and people in general) are different, that general rules often do not work, that parents cannot have the task of raising an ideal child for an ideal life – they need to be prepared for reality with its complexities, bumps and scratches .

And we see that we are not working in vain: thanks to the constant exchange of words, experiences, opinions here, children and parents learn to accept themselves and others as they are, enjoy what is happening, and in every sense become more mature.

Accept your authority

Often doubts cover parents even when they have to show firmness and authority. By limiting the child, they worry that in this way they infringe on his interests, and this gives rise to a sense of guilt in them. In addition, they unconsciously (and unreasonably) fear losing the love of a child.

“Nevertheless, authority is one of the key points of education,” explains developmental psychologist Tatyana Bednik. “By setting boundaries, introducing reasonable rules and restrictions, we teach the child to tame his impulses – in essence, helping him become a person.”

“My nine-year-old daughter made terrible scenes whenever I forbade her something,” recalls Natalia. “But one day her patience snapped, and she failed to pity me. It was a real turning point in our relationship. I have become more confident in myself and worry much less when I have to be firm. ”

“Feeling responsible for a child reduces guilt,” says psychoanalyst Catherine Matlin. In this case, we bear the consequences of our actions. Being aware of your position as an adult and making responsible decisions without resorting to the child as an arbiter is a healthy basis for parental authority.

mission Possible

“We are pioneers,” say Daniil and Alena, parents of teenagers aged 15 and 18, “because before, children were brought up according to a pattern, but we have a choice. Using special information, many mistakes can be avoided. The main thing is not to follow it literally, like a tram on rails.

This flexible position seems to be becoming more and more popular. According to a survey conducted by the Psychologies website, 46% of parents believe that they are doing their parenting role “rather well.” And to the question: “What helps you in this?” – 32% answered: “Additional information.” 26% admitted that they cope with all issues on their own, 5% said that they rely solely on their own intuition.

Does all this mean that the mission of being a good parent is possible? The answer will be in the affirmative, but with conditions:

• do not consider yourself omnipotent;
• do not strive for perfection and do not try to raise an ideal child;
• understand that limitations shape personality;
• establish reasonable prohibitions without guilt and finally bring their own knowledge, values ​​and feelings into agreement.