Who will pay for what

Love and money have never been considered a good couple. We want to believe that our best, pure feelings are not subject to any calculations. In the modern world, where earnings are considered an unconditional value, where we are constantly involved in new forms of consumption, we want to perceive family life as a safe, safe haven, a shelter from harsh materialism. This is an intimate world in which there is no place for self-interest and nothing is sold or bought …

And yet it is an illusion. “Today, in family relationships, money plays an increasingly important role,” says family therapist Inna Khamitova. – Although in happy couples money conflicts are extremely rare. Partners who manage to settle controversial issues of living together in a negotiating mode do not need to throw out the accumulated irritation in disputes about which of them, say, earns more and why.

The strife over money intensifies as the two experience a crisis in their relationship. “In fact,” explains psychoanalyst and family therapist Bernard Prieur, “partners quarrel over other things: sexual dissatisfaction, lack of care, inability to pursue a career … But it is more difficult to formulate such experiences, it is easier to replace them with “obvious” financial problems.”

Money can show how deep the relationship between partners is, sometimes it helps to consolidate them or even become a measure of the trust that we have in another, trusting him, for example, with housekeeping.

And what is hidden behind the organization of our life? A “common pot”, separate expenses, or something in between these extremes – according to psychoanalysts, the form of budgeting in a couple says a lot about us.

General money: the desire to control everything

“All mine is yours, all yours is mine.” The “common cauldron” obeys the logic that unites the couple. This type of relationship comes from the most traditional social patterns and in the past corresponded to the classical organization of the family, in which the woman did not work.

“Today this condition is no longer necessary,” says Inna Khamitova. “Such an organization of the budget can also speak of a deep closeness between the partners: in addition to two separate “I”, there is more in their pair – “we”, and this is expressed, among other things, in the community of material values.”

But even with such a positive view of relationships, it is still necessary that everyone does not dissolve in life together, finds a worthy place in it. The picture is not so rare: a husband brings a salary to his wife … and then demands a report on family expenses. If it becomes difficult for one to independently evaluate their own actions and financial decisions, then the general budget can give another the opportunity to abuse his power.

Bernard Prieur explains: “When we start living together, we involuntarily begin to show a desire for control. It is not necessarily negative: being interested in what a partner bought, we thereby show interest in him. But this type of relationship can also lead to espionage and the desire to keep everything in sight.

When all, without exception, the purchases of another are subject to evaluation and criticism, a mechanism begins to unwind in the relationship, which increasingly prevents the partner from being perceived as he is. This type of relationship is created by both: the controlled, as well as the controlling, strive for one thing – to become closer to the other member of the couple. The “victim” only wants to strengthen the relationship, even if it does some negative things.

“So, a woman who indulges in unjustified spending can thus express her desire for her husband to change, say, by stopping trifles,” explains Bernard Prieur.

The “controller” also wants to be as close as possible to the other, never to part with him. Both of these behaviors eventually lead to the opposite of the expected result. “This is the surest way to lose your partner,” warns Bernard Prieur.

Separate spending: the struggle for power

There are couples in which everyone owns their own bank account, the partners divide “spheres of influence”, carefully recording all income and expenses, and contribute money to the family budget in proportion to their earnings. Perhaps such a desire for equality should serve as a model for truly modern relations?

“This financial regime is most often chosen by young couples in which both partners work,” notes Bernard Prieur. – And I often see them in my office: they come to the reception, desperate to describe exactly who bought what and when. Their life turns into eternal bookkeeping, everything is fixed, because deep down they are constantly competing.

Behind this thoroughness of calculations are the personal (family) stories of each: rivalry between brothers and sisters, difficulties in relations with parents. Or, behind a pile of numbers, there are problems with determining their own place in life: partners are trying to resolve existential difficulties with the help of mathematical calculations and, under the guise of a division of duties, actually get involved in the struggle for power.

Is it worth giving up joint budgeting and treating your bank card as something exclusively personal? No, this is another sure way to weaken the relationship.

“Such a scheme can be established by those who are looking for distance with a partner, such people are afraid of close relationships,” says Inna Khamitova. “In couples where everyone is their own financier, mutual disregard is evident,” adds psychoanalyst Jean-Jacques Moskowitz.

The way we keep accounts is a reflection of the inner trust that we have in our partner and in our own decision to start a life together with him.

Do not count anything or do not want to calculate the budget together – all these are manifestations of the desire to remain “with one’s own”, to refuse to share with others in the broadest sense of the word.

Counting means consciously accepting the fact that you are being given something, which means accepting the other person. And the refusal to calculate is associated with the risk of loading oneself with an internal debt to a partner. Everyone in a life together needs to learn how to give and receive.

Together and Separate: A True Partnership?

Theoretically, the synthesis of the two previous models can be an ideal solution. The very idea of ​​a union materializes in the common box office, the connection between partners is embodied, and their own bank card gives everyone the opportunity to breathe more freely.

Such a mixed scheme is also closer to an equal partnership in the family. True, awkwardness can arise if one earns less than the other: he will be less able to afford some pleasant things and will feel less independent. Such a situation can awaken in him the memory of past hardships and grievances.

“In fact, many people live with the feeling that they were once the victim of injustice,” explains Bernard Prieur. “This feeling is natural for any person and goes back to childhood: it seems to us (albeit sometimes from scratch) that we suffered from something – for example, from a lack of care or food.”

Finally, the therapist reminds us, such an alternative requires inner maturity: “We must be able to accept this given: when we begin to live together, our personal zone of freedom decreases. And besides, relationships in a couple never develop “in a straight line.” It is money that helps to conclude a symbolic agreement with each other – that we will cope with everything together, both in joy and in sorrow.