Paying the bill for a romantic dinner that has already taken place is the turning point of the first date, when each of us analyzes our partner.
At this point, our unconscious fantasies and expectations can go to waste. The slightest hitch, the wrong gesture, and the date could end in disaster.
“If he hesitates, then I act, taking out my bank card,” says 35-year-old Evgenia. “So I show him that, alas, he was not up to par and, of course, there can be no question of continuing the relationship.”
Energetic 48-year-old Roman remarks: “Gallance obliges a man to pay, and a woman not to notice it. Otherwise, if she insists on splitting the bill in half, the beauty of the moment is gone.»
Money with meaning
So how do you behave? If it is embarrassing to say directly about your desire, it remains to find out who will pay for dinner.
“When they brought the bill, he uncertainly asked: “What will we do?” And all the charm of the evening disappeared, — admits 42-year-old Margarita. «It’s not about the money: he just had to take matters into his own hands.»
33-year-old Natalya noticed how her counterpart tried to discreetly pocket the check brought by the waiter after paying the bill: “Dinner with me will be included in the expense item of his company. The guy did not risk anything: even if he gets fired, the firm will repair the damage caused to his finances by the first date.
The path to intimacy is very fragile, and this is due to the fact that the topic of money has many meanings for each of us.
The moment of paying the bill for 39-year-old Georgy is always painful: “I somehow tense up: sometimes it seems to me that I have lost my wallet, then the fear rolls that I won’t have enough cash.”
The path to intimacy is very fragile, and this is due to the fact that the topic of money has many meanings for each of us. Money unconsciously takes us back to early childhood: it can symbolize the breast that feeds, or the penis, which is associated with strength and masculinity.
“Money gives some of us a sense of security, the ability to satisfy all desires,” explains the Jungian psychoanalyst Lev Khegay, “others are allowed to control the situation, for the third they symbolize strength, power, potency, for the fourth — even payment for incest.
So, if a man on the first date experiences not only attraction, but also an irrational sense of guilt, feels that he is doing something forbidden, most likely, behind these experiences is his unconscious attraction to his sister or mother (especially if the girl is somewhat reminiscent of one or the other ). Then the money spent on the first dinner together becomes an involuntary attempt to atone for this neurotic guilt.
Due to its ambiguity, money, charged with powerful eroticism or fear, determines the value of the moment experienced and at the same time provokes questions: “What am I really worth?”, “How wealthy am I as a person?”.
Laws of attraction
During the surge of feminism in the mid-twentieth century, in the name of the idea of equality between the sexes, many women stood up for their rights, including among them the right to pay equally.
“True, most modern girls still expect a man to pay for them,” says Lev Khegay. “Among other things, in this way they want to feel like an object of sexual desire.”
However, don’t confuse social interaction with attraction patterns.
“The issue of gender equality should not be the main thing on the first date,” says psychoanalyst Ilana Reis-Schimmel. — Indeed, from the point of view of ethology, the science of behavior, at this moment a woman unconsciously expects that a man in relation to her will take on the role of both mother-nurse and father-protector. And that expectation molds our attraction into culturally acceptable forms.”
Sociologist Michel Bozon disagrees with her: “Today it is still customary to treat a woman as an object of possession, at best, as a subject endowed with moderate desire and striving to arouse attraction to herself. Such a stereotype of perception, of course, puts pressure on both men and women.”
Distribution of roles
Archetypes—universal ideas about the masculine and feminine in each of us—also greatly influence our behavior. Money gives a man the opportunity to feel his masculinity.
“For a man, the patriarchal perception of himself as an earner and manager of the budget is still natural,” says psychotherapist Boris Shapiro. “Paying the bill at the restaurant, he feels his omnipotence.”
When a man is ready to pay equally, he offers a different distribution of roles. “Thus, the man seems to be saying:“ I am ready to give up my male power over money. Are you ready to give up your feminine power over my sexuality? suggests psychiatrist and family therapist Jacques-Antoine Malarevic.
Paying for a man means demonstrating his desire and his sexual potential
However, in this approach, many women see something completely different. “Equality is a convenient screen, behind which they willingly hide their greed,” said 32-year-old Anastasia. “It’s natural when a man pays at least on the first date, because he must charm, showing his generosity.”
Paying for a man means demonstrating his desire and his sexual potential.
“I do it because I feel like she wants it,” Kirill, 34, explains. “This way I show her that I am ready to behave in accordance with her desires.”
“I always cry, this is how I was raised,” says 25-year-old Savely, “because I know that time after dinner is not bought.”
New RPGs
14% of the readers of our magazine see nothing wrong with dividing the bill equally*. 27% say that the one who invited to the meeting should pay the bill. But the majority — 57% — are sure that a man should pay for the first dinner in a restaurant.
Those who settle for this traditional division of roles, those who pay and those who allow themselves to be paid, are not really convinced that this is the right thing to do. But they hesitate to break this sexual ritual, because they are not sure which strategy is correct.
“The ceremony of paying the bill humiliates a woman,” says 43-year-old Pavel. “Because she judges her worth based on whether I paid or not.”
“Knowing that you will not sleep with a man, but accepting his invitation to dinner, you will inevitably feel like a liar,” analyzes 37-year-old Marina. — I happened to give in to men after they laid out in full: a good restaurant, an exquisite dinner, expensive champagne. At times like this, I felt compelled to give in.»
Boris Shapiro believes that a man who is confident in his masculinity will not feel deceived if his companion did not agree to continue the relationship, because «he showed himself as a man by paying for the restaurant.»
Similarly, a self-sufficient woman will not feel guilty for not “compensating” the cost of dinner with her body. After all, the pleasure was in the meeting itself.
For some of us, the traditional alignment is not possible. “I always pay for myself when I meet men with whom I don’t want to go beyond friendship,” says 35-year-old Marina.
The opposite situation also happens: when a man doubts whether to continue the game, and a woman insists on it.
“I cry, so I can feel freer,” explains 35-year-old Mikhail. “So I know I don’t have to sleep with her.”
Ultimately, it is not so important which of the two will part with a certain amount of money, it is much more important for us to understand what exactly will be behind this gesture.