Who (not) enjoys a birthday?

“When my father was told that I had already been born, he immediately went to the kiosk and bought a whole pack of newspapers – a kind of“ memory photo ”of what was happening in the world that day. Until now, I carefully keep this gift, ”admits 48-year-old Yuliana.

Unique by definition, this day is not like all the others. Day, month, year – this combination, unique for us, marks the arrival in this world and accompanies us throughout our lives. Like the sound of our name, this day is filled with a very special, intimate meaning. Is it any wonder that none of us are indifferent to him?

What do we think about on our birthday?

“I noticed that already a few weeks before my birthday, some kind of unpleasant fuss begins in my affairs, and for some reason my mood invariably deteriorates,” admits 32-year-old Alena. “I don’t know, maybe I don’t like holidays at all, even on New Year’s I usually try to go somewhere…”

The reluctance to celebrate (and even more so – your own special, personal holiday) always indicates that some important questions have accumulated in life that we try not to think about, the answer to which we cannot find. In this sense, the birthday really resembles the New Year: it seems to start a new life cycle.

“Thanks to this date, we have our own starting point, a reason to take stock and make plans,” explains family therapist Inna Shifanova. “For some, this inner work can give acceleration, push them to the implementation of their plans, and someone can lead to sad thoughts.”

This is quite understandable: the one whose plans were successful rejoices more on his birthday than the one who met with failures. However, they are also useless. “To understand what we regret is to understand what we wanted,” notes the family therapist. “If these desires are still with us, we can look for new opportunities to fulfill them in the future.”

This day makes us recognize: the movement of life is inevitable. But not everyone is ready for change. No wonder there are so many jokes on this topic: “It’s not the first year I’ve been celebrating my 30th birthday.” And if, say, on the New Year we take a step forward together with other people, then on our birthday, it’s as if we have to do it alone, only on our own. And the rest remain in the same place where we were all the day before. This, of course, is an illusion, but it can exacerbate the feeling of loneliness, even if we are among friends.

On a birthday, some people add anxiety and faith in the New Year’s omen “as you meet, so you will spend.” When the usual party fails, we rarely get upset for long. But if something unpleasant happens on our own holiday, then we are sometimes upset as if we had ruined the whole next year.

“These are traces of magical thinking typical of childhood,” explains Inna Shifanova. “We grow up only realizing that we ourselves, with our decisions, are able to influence our destiny.”

Gifts, congratulations, friends and family, wishes of happiness… As children, we celebrate the renewal of the world, which is endless for us: it was before us and will be after. But a birthday is a date that is inextricably linked with death.

“These two points define earthly life, this is the beginning and end of our “I,” explains Jungian analyst Tatyana Rebeko. “A birthday reminds me every time that time is not infinite, and the narcissistic infantile part of the personality, thirsting for omnipotence, suffers from this.”

However, the analyst is encouraging, there is also a positive side to realizing that it is impossible to go back, and what has gone is lost forever: “When we begin to better understand the limits of our capabilities, this only strengthens our “I”.

Holiday for yourself or for others

“Friends have been asking for a month already where and how I am going to celebrate,” says 18-year-old Savva. “I feel strange because this is my holiday, but it turns out that I have obligations that I must fulfill.” It seems that the very idea of ​​a holiday implies a collective pastime. Colleagues, friends and relatives often expect that we will celebrate our birthday with them. For some, the need to be with others on this day is not a problem: communication with colleagues or loved ones is the main pleasure.

“For me, this is a rare and therefore especially valuable occasion to gather everyone I love,” admits 26-year-old Maria. “Most often, extroverts rejoice at the opportunity to convene guests,” says Inna Shifanova, “those of us who are outward-oriented, who like the role of the soul of the company.” But if this is not just a desire, but a need to be in the center of general interest, then the reason may be different – in the great lack of attention that such a person experiences the rest of the time. According to the Jungian analyst, “the role of the birthday man makes up for the deficit, providing the legal right to be the best at least once a year.”

But the main role can be burdensome, especially if it is fraught with chores. 28-year-old Kirill says the same thing: “I don’t like to prepare for the holiday, but every year I expect miracles from this day. I love to have someone else prepare a surprise for me.”

In many, echoes of childhood sound – when the parents prepared the holiday and “miracles”, and we only had to accept their care. Birthday is a kind of test for adulthood: how independent we are, how ready we are to take care of ourselves … and of others.

“Living among people, we are constantly looking for compromises between their desires and our own,” recalls Tatyana Rebeko. “And if we are expected to invite guests, we can do just that in order to please loved ones, even if we ourselves would prefer solitude.”

In doing so, we have yet another challenge to answer. “Many (especially women) are worried about how their housing, cooking skills, and appearance will be assessed,” notes Inna Shifanova. – They perceive a meeting with guests as an exam, only there is not one examiner, there are several of them. And the harder it is to get it right.”

Tatyana Rebeko adds: “We find ourselves in the center of attention, like actors on the stage of the theater, and this is always a test. After all, even those who have been playing the performance for more than one season are worried before going out to the audience.” But, like actors, we feel satisfaction when the performance is played, even if we feel tired.

However, the gathering of guests is not the only possible option for the celebration. “Since I turned 50, I have been striving to meet this day away from home and loved ones,” admits 53-year-old Lyudmila. “For some reason, I don’t want to arrange a holiday for others. I take a vacation and go somewhere to take care of my health or see something new.”

We have this opportunity to decide how we will spend this day. “It is important that this choice be conscious,” emphasizes the Jungian analyst, “so that we understand that we made it ourselves, and do not consider ourselves obligated to someone and suppressed by these obligations.”

Official reason for compliments

“I hate stamps, so I don’t celebrate my birthday! – says 25-year-old Elena. “I prefer to do something unusual, like celebrate the summer equinox.” Elena is annoyed by the fact that the play called “birthday” is known to everyone and the actions are largely programmed: guests, cake, flowers, congratulations. But do not underestimate the rituals of the celebration.

“Repetition creates a sense of reliability,” Inna Shifanova believes, “and a well-known routine reduces personal responsibility and anxiety: both guests and the birthday boy just do what they are supposed to do. Few would have had the courage to call their acquaintances and say: praise me! Birthday orders to compliment the hero of the occasion, and this is especially valuable in our culture, which is characterized by high criticality towards ourselves and others.

The same criticality sometimes makes congratulators suspect of insincerity. “However, even if the praises are exaggerated, it does not follow that there is no real basis under them,” Inna Shifanova is sure. What if you believe in your own worth? This is how 32-year-old Katerina relates to this holiday, for her it is “a reason to bring together people who care about me and give them the opportunity to tell aloud how good I am and how much they love me.”

It turns out a kind of training to increase self-esteem and develop the ability to accept positive feedback, as well as withstand the attention of others. “On this day, we are like a child who was called to read a poem: he is both shy and really wants to be praised,” notes Tatyana Rebeko.

“Today we are experiencing an existential crisis”

What mood will be on this day depends largely on what we consider the main thing in life. If we accept as an axiom (as the advertising industry tells us) that youth, beauty and the meaning of life are complete synonyms, then a reminder of the passing time can be traumatic. Many people say that they stopped loving birthdays “because of age” – and the age is called different: some after 50, and others after 30.

“Our body inevitably ages, and we, of course, do not have to have fun about this,” says Gestalt therapist Marina Baskakova. “But we are not just one body. Note: we call the celebrating a birthday, and name days in church tradition are a celebration of the arrival of a new soul on Earth, a day, above all, of spiritual birth.

The holiday will also depend on our family history, Inna Shifanova emphasizes: “How was it in childhood? Did you gather those friends that the child himself chose, or were they invited by his parents? What gifts were given – pleasant or useful? In addition, in addition to the conscious part, there is also an unconscious part in memory.

“If a person does not like his birthday, it is important to ask him what were the circumstances of his birth,” says Tatyana Rebeko. “And it may turn out that either the parents did not really want the child, or difficult events accompanied its appearance: someone died or became seriously ill.” We pass this date every year and get a new chance to find out what meaning it is filled with for us, if we carefully listen to our feelings.

“On this day, we are experiencing an existential crisis – it, like litmus paper, reveals the reality in which we exist,” notes Marina Baskakova.

Whether we are alone or surrounded by like-minded people, what we have already done and what we have to do, what is the meaning of our being – we ask ourselves all the most important questions of life on this day. But, as we reflect on the answers, let’s not forget: if on our very first birthday we could not influence how the world would treat us, now, on each subsequent birthday, we have the right to meet the world again – on our own terms.