Good day to all! We have all been in situations where we felt empathy or pity for another person. And I would like to draw your attention to the fact that these emotions are not about the same state, they are very different from each other. And today I’ll just tell you that in fact, pity is a bad feeling. Because with its help, others, even sometimes the closest people, try to influence us.
What is this feeling?
To begin with, what is manipulation — and this is a hidden, but at the same time conscious motivation of a person to experience certain feelings, states and perform actions in order to realize his goal.
Why am I talking about manipulation? Yes, because it is easiest to manage others, causing a feeling of pity. After all, few of us want to feel insensitive or cruel, especially in relation to loved ones. In addition, sometimes fear is added. For example, the loss of this most beloved person, that he will not be there or the relationship will collapse.
Example № 1
Mom, entering into competition with her daughter-in-law for her son’s attention, begins to «get very sick», taking away all his free time. The son may be irritated, but the fear that his mother will die, and the guilt will be on him, deprives him of his freedom. It turns out such a cocktail of a nuclear and destructive mixture — guilt, pity, anger, fear, anxiety, which makes life very difficult for a person if he does not recognize manipulation and is influenced.
There is another side to living with pity, if it is not intentionally called out from you, but you yourself periodically experience it in relation to someone. And this second side is just a feeling of superiority over someone. That is, if another person is not as successful, developed, something in his life is not going as well as yours. Then, against his background, you unconsciously feel your importance (and sometimes consciously), feeling sorry for him, because you have achieved much more and so on.
Therefore, sometimes people with whom we feel it have resentment. Because this feeling itself humiliates the other, if he did not intentionally try to call it from you in order to get something from you in such a “clumsy” way. It stops a person, does not allow him to gain experience, develop and take responsibility for his life.
Example № 2
Parents feel sorry for their child and do not ask him to help around the house, doing some things instead of him. It seems that everything is fine, they take care in this way, because they love and, as it were, protect. On the other hand, they do not give him the opportunity to gain experience. After all, having not learned to do something on his own, he, having gone “into the world”, will face difficulties and expect that someone else will cope with them instead of him.
Reasons for manipulation
Why does it happen that a person manipulates? But because, for some reason, he did not learn to speak directly about his desires and needs. He prefers to quietly control the other person in order to realize his goals. This happens because of the fear of being rejected, perhaps the shame of asking for something. Sometimes just a child grew up in a family where parents did not know how to communicate constructively, and he adopted this style, simply not understanding how it could be done differently.
But sometimes it, on the contrary, gives pleasure, to achieve your goal precisely by managing and putting pressure on the emotional sphere of another. This is the lowest thing a person can do, because it deliberately causes very uncomfortable feelings in another, depriving him of his freedom. The process itself consists of the fact that the manipulator distorts information, that is, lies, talking about one thing, implying another, and expecting a completely third one. Playing like on a musical instrument, periodically pulling different strings.
What to do?
How to get rid of the influence of the manipulator? And try to talk to him directly, asking direct questions about what exactly he wants, returning to him the responsibility for his life. You will be treated as you allow, and as long as you are «led» to cunning tricks, they will be used against you. In order to easily determine the state of the interlocutor, you can use the tools outlined in the article: “How to learn the body language and gestures of a person yourself”.
If you yourself often have such an emotion, think about why you need it? Sometimes it happens that while pitying others, we actually have a bare need and desire to receive a share of recognition and empathy, care, in relation to ourselves. But, again, for some reason, I cannot declare to others my desire to receive care, or I do not allow it in relation to myself. Therefore, I go to the opposite pole — I begin to worry about others.
If you put pressure on the weak points of others in order to get what you want, think about the fact that you are actually moving them away from yourself. After all, close or partnership relations are impossible without sincerity, when both partners do not play on each other’s feelings. They can talk «heart to heart» and take care of each other because a desire arose, and not because someone skillfully pulled the string.
Self-importance in one’s own eyes is then true, and not false, as in the case of pressure and cunning tricks. Because sometimes it happens that this is how they check whether a partner or a loved one really loves, trying to arouse self-pity, checking his reaction. And even if it was possible, the feeling of joy will be imaginary, short-lived.
Conclusion
If there are such people in your environment, think about what such relationships give you then? Explore your fears, why exactly you are afraid of rejection. Think about the weak points you have that the other can put pressure on. Soberly assess the situation if they are trying to get something from you by deception. Maybe this person is able to take care of himself, to make efforts to achieve something? You can help with your support in an undertaking, but in no way do something instead of it.
You may also be interested in reading the following blog article: “Why a person wants to arouse pity: interesting facts and methods of struggle.”
That’s all, dear blog readers! Learn to speak directly about your desires, fears and do not be afraid to refuse if you feel that you are under pressure. Try to exclude from your life people who play with you and just enjoy. I wish you success and honest, sincere and close, full-fledged relationships!