Who lives well in isolation: tips for large families

It seems that quarantine has sharply divided people into two groups. This is obvious and striking, and we see representatives of both groups on social networks every day, among them there are our relatives, colleagues and friends.

Representatives of the first group say with gratitude: “Lord, what happiness! Finally, I can finish writing a fairy tale / take apart books and records / listen to an art course that I bought two years ago … ”Isolation does not upset someone who categorically lacked sleep, rest, communication with a partner, children and with himself.

If we were lucky enough to be in the first group, today we experience a feeling akin to visiting us at the beginning of the school holidays. There is a lot of time ahead, you can do what you have wanted for so long, what you dreamed about. You can, without tormenting your conscience, allow yourself to simply enjoy.

And all this, of course, causes envy and anger of the representatives of the second group. They froze, hid in horror! Or, on the contrary, they began to quarrel and fight. The worst thing in quarantine is for those who were not ready to be alone with themselves or be in close proximity with a partner and relatives. Deep dissatisfaction with one’s existence or business, suppressed stress, the habit of meeting the expectations of others go from the unconscious to the conscious level, being realized through fears and anxiety.

It may seem that those who are calm today are adherents of positive thinking and simply look at the world through rose-colored glasses. But, in my opinion, their behavior speaks more about the fact that they are better than others capable of adapting and avoid trying on the role of a victim who cannot do anything, does not bear responsibility for anything, is not able to influence his life and waits for she will be saved.

The ability to adapt is the ability to integrate into a new, different life. Do not adapt to it, do not give in from difficult experiences, namely, to fit in. In a sense, even give up, because our freedom is now severely limited. Some are ready for this new life. Others feel like victims of circumstance.

Some are trying to understand what new resources and abilities the “coronavirus test” will give them, studying what is in demand now, what human qualities are most needed now. Others take a childish position: “Give me back everything as it was, let the world change, but not me!”

But the world is more than a single person. So it turns out that isolation is good for those who were able to accept the state of affairs and the inability to change anything, except for their state – emotional and bodily. For someone who has accepted what is happening, intuition and the ability to adequately respond to changes work much better than for someone who has fallen into a depressed state and sees only the tragic side of what is happening.

Today, the key to peace and happiness lies in the ability to closely monitor changes, adopt new rules of conduct in the city, in the country. And, of course, in your own home.

Fathers and Sons

When elderly parents share space with adult children, conflict instantly flares up from the sparks of discontent even in “peaceful” time. Needless to say: we will need remarkable tact, we will have to be very attentive to ourselves and others in order to survive the joint isolation with such a composition!

Quarrels arise because of attempts to re-educate each other and expectations from others of love: “Don’t re-do me! Accept me the way I am.” All these impulses and dreams, most likely, are not given to come true. After all, in order to accept another, you will have to accept the fact that you lived in illusions, but in reality everything is completely different.

I will give an example from practice. Elderly parents discount what their married 35-year-old son is doing during quarantine. He has some kind of online meetings. I don’t know what they are doing there! It would be better if I took a walk with my pregnant wife or repaired the greenhouse in the country, since there is time.

Parents enter their son’s room without knocking, just like they did in childhood. They do not know anything about boundaries, they are offended by even a hint of this concept.

Why it happens? The older generation is very scared right now: the world has shown them that everything they thought was safe and stable is not. Instead of solid ground under their feet – unsteady sand. The client’s parents need to somehow keep the balance. But how can this be done if there is no internal reliance on oneself?

Demanding respect and submission from his son, the father is trying to regain a sense of significance, value. The mother is trying to keep the hope that the son depends on her, that he can’t do anything, communicating with the client in the style: “Have you brushed your teeth?” After all, if her child is still “small”, then she is still needed. And if he is an adult, then what is the meaning of her life?

The son, on the other hand, feels anger, resentment, feels a desire to protest, because he is waiting for “justice”, that he will finally be accepted, they will understand what he went through, what he has already achieved. He cannot see for himself that he is “stuck” somewhere in childhood trauma. He still proves to his parents that he knows and can do a lot, that he has long been “more significant and mature” than they are. It’s a vicious circle!

Our traumas are activated in a situation of isolation and general panic. But now we cannot close our eyes to them: we will have to notice our “unlived” experiences that are still sitting in the body and in the depths of memory and are waiting for their time to come. Right now, we can’t hide at work or go in for sports to hide from ourselves. Everyone “adapts” as best they can, including through attempts to re-educate others.

Husbands and wives

Since the beginning of quarantine, I have observed an interesting trend: most men watch news about the crisis and the virus non-stop. It seems to them that in this way they keep their finger on the pulse, but in fact they simply deny reality. They themselves are in constant stress – and break down on loved ones. This expresses their fear of losing control.

Men often do not know how to deal with crises and uncertainty, because the first step to “winning” in this case is to accept that we cannot control what is happening. But for many, this means losing and admitting to being weak … It’s better to exhaust yourself and those around you!

Very often, women in such couples raise a rebellion. They care about boundaries to protect themselves and their children from the anxiety of others. Let this cause dissatisfaction with the spouse or even conflict, but it’s better than to endure and be depressed …

What families will not face similar problems and successfully survive the isolation due to the coronavirus? Those where there is trust, where they know how to hear each other. In such couples, people give partners space, air, do not try to fulfill themselves and assert themselves at the expense of another or throw off their stress on him.

Perhaps such couples and families will “squeeze” out of the quarantine all the best that it can give. Relatives will get to know each other again, revise the “treaties” on borders and ask each other uncomfortable questions that previously lacked the spirit and strength. All this, of course, contributes to the fact that we will emerge from the crisis with deeper feelings for each other.

How not to spoil relations with relatives in quarantine

Now, when we are forced to constantly share space with relatives, in no case should we:

Suppress stress, hush up irritation

If you are annoyed by dirty cups and glasses scattered throughout the apartment, it is better to ask them to be cleaned several times than to break loose later and shout that you have been dreaming of a divorce for a long time (although this is not at all the case!). It’s time to learn how to talk about yourself and about the little things that are important to you.

Forget about your own boundaries

You don’t have to chalk out the couch, but it’s great if you discuss your schedule and tell each other when you need some quiet. Even in a small apartment, you can agree that if dad sits in headphones in this corner, no one touches him. Let the children also designate such a zone for themselves.

Deprive yourself of loneliness

Working does not mean being with yourself! Find time for yourself, this is especially important now.

interrupt others

Learn to listen and ask questions. The more often you now dismiss others, the more likely it is that the accumulated claims will “rush” at the most inopportune moment.

Hush up fears

Today, more than ever, it is important to talk about what really worries you, if, of course, you trust each other. In the case when there is no trust in a relationship, it is worth asking yourself: “Why am I still with a person I don’t trust?” During quarantine, this issue will become especially relevant for many.

Demand excessive attention, bodily contact

If you want to “stick” to your partner, watch yourself: what kind of void do you want to fill in this way? Doesn’t this desire to “eat” stress remind you? “I want to handle” you can afford sometimes, but not every 10 minutes!

The fear of death is often expressed in an increased desire for sex. It’s great if the partners deal with this in the same way. But sometimes this is not so, and then it would be good to talk about fears: perhaps you will be able to find a balance, to understand each other better.

Overprotection of others

The thought, “It’s my fault that I didn’t give you my full attention before. The moment has come: now I will give it as I will!” extremely dangerous. Guilt is a bad clue! It won’t lead to anything good. Give as much as you can easily and joyfully give. Hyper-custody is also a way to escape from yourself, not to deal with your problems. And those around you will most likely feel it, and in return you will receive not gratitude, but irritation.

If you do not start to deal with yourself, if you do not look at the situation through the eyes of each participant, the conflict will only escalate. After all, it is impossible to hide from each other and your expectations within the same apartment.

Today, more than ever, it is important for us to be able to give and receive support, share warmth, and enjoy the moment. We are saved from longing by mental flexibility, adaptability to inaction and uncertainty, and care for our internal processes. We do not know how to do it, the world has not yet experienced such a pandemic, but we can learn this in the same way that babies learn new things.