Who is taking our energy?

“For several months, I tried to somehow support a friend who divorced her husband,” says 36-year-old Marina. — She spent the weekend with us, she constantly called me, I sat with her children … Little by little she came to her senses, and I … almost fell ill: I had no strength left even to read to my five-year-old son. Once she asked to sit with the children so that she could go to the fitness club herself, knowing full well that I had a bad cold. Then I realized that it was time for my charity to end.

We are all familiar with the type of relationship in which only one side wins, while the other takes on the role of victim — sometimes quite voluntarily, but more often imperceptibly.

“We all influence each other, this is how a person works,” explains social psychologist Elena Sidorenko. — For each of us, not only ourselves, but also other people become a source of ideas, energy, new feelings and experiences. The balance is broken only when this influence is carried out gradually, to the detriment of another person and without taking into account his interests. How to determine that you are dealing with a «kidnapper», if in words he expresses the best intentions?

If we give without getting anything in return

We begin to realize that not everything is in order in our relationships when we notice that we are investing in them more than we receive.

“We give all the best that we have: time, money, ideas, and in the end we feel more and more empty,” says psychotherapist Alexander Orlov. — And so on until it becomes impossible to respond to the request of another. It all ends with the fact that you already feel almost nothing, lose interest in what is happening and gradually increase the emotional distance between yourself and this person.

“My ex didn’t let me go for a long time,” recalls 23-year-old Tatyana. “Knew I didn’t love him anymore, but kept bombarding me with messages, inviting me to dinner, waiting after work.” Some of these people do not leave us a single step, becoming more and more intrusive and persistent. Others use complex strategies to keep dependent relationships alive for as long as possible.

“Listen to your loved ones, if they are surprised:“ We won’t recognize you, ”pay attention to your emotions that do not correspond to the circumstances, to actions that are uncharacteristic for you, sudden manifestations of categorical judgments. It is very important to ask yourself the question in time: “What is happening?” — advises psychotherapist Albina Loktionova. — If you began to treat yourself worse, suddenly felt like a helpless and inept child, then you have every reason to think: perhaps there is a person in your environment who acts in relation to you as an energy vampire.

Talk to him, and if he does not respond with sincerity to your sincerity, he tries to make you the culprit of what is happening, most likely, your suspicions are justified. After all, he always redistributes the energy of relationships in such a way as to win at the expense of the other.

Everything has a limit

Who does not sympathize with the hopelessly in love? Who has never swallowed undeserved insults from a charming and charismatic boss? “Openness, readiness to let another into your life is a very natural human property, without it we simply would not have survived,” says Alexander Orlov. “But someone who violates your boundaries without asking, behaves like a real aggressor.”

“It is useless to directly accuse and convince such a person, because most often he himself is not aware of his influence,” Albina Loktionova is convinced. Just tell him what’s bothering you. Perhaps he himself will understand that the reason is in him. Respecting each other’s boundaries is the key to any normal relationship. It is necessary to clearly and clearly stipulate for yourself to what extent you are ready to endure, and under what circumstances you will begin to defend your own interests.

“If you fall under someone’s influence, don’t let things take their course. After all, often, in order to replenish their energy resources and not get hooked again, a person has to switch to another himself, in other words, put him in a position of energy dependence on himself, ”says Alexander Orlov. Very often, such bondage that we fall into is the result of our unconscious choice.

“A person who does not love, does not accept himself, will always find an external respondent, on whom it is convenient to write off his painful experiences,” continues Elena Sidorenko. — Only we decide what feeds us in life, what we invest energy in — in love or in hatred, whether we want to open up to other people or use them. The possibility of such a choice gives us tremendous freedom, but at the same time imposes a significant responsibility.

What are energy vampires

“My girlfriend’s mother comes to our house almost every day,” says 28-year-old Ivan. — She brings food, tries to wash something, cook … I understand that she does this with the best of intentions, but for me her intrusion into our family life is simply unbearable! I can’t tell her about it, but I don’t have any strength to endure it either. ”

People who, against our will, try to control us are not necessarily villains, they are very different: caring and persistent, attentive and aggressive. Depending on what they want to achieve and what the specific situation is, they use a limitless arsenal of behavioral strategies and images.

One of the most common types is «charming vampires». These are dependent individuals who believe that they cannot cope with their problems on their own, and therefore constantly resort to the help of others. “At work, there may be a colleague whom we will help once or twice, and soon we will simply begin to do all the work for him. In family life, one of the partners can play this role,” says Alexander Orlov.

30-year-old Kirill has just divorced the infinitely touching and sad Masha. “At first I was touched by her defenselessness and huge, always sad eyes, but later I realized my mistake,” he says. — I had to decide everything for her, there was no time left for myself. Even worse, seeing her depressed state, I myself began to perceive the world in a black light!

Many fall into a trap set by «brilliant vampires» — people of a narcissistic warehouse who maintain the image of an outstanding, authoritative, bright personality: «fatal woman», «charismatic boss». They catch potential victims on the bait of trust, the opportunity to enter a closed elite circle of friends, but in reality they simply parasitize on someone else’s adoration and admiration.

“Such people can be charming in communication, but the spell dissipates as soon as you part for a while. In reality, they are not interested in you, they care about their own person and the benefits that can be obtained from you, ”explains Albina Loktionova.

“For three years I was the ‘victim’ of our department head,” says 37-year-old Valeria. He is a smart, educated, charming man. When he asked me for a favor, I regarded it as evidence of his special trust and sympathy for me. And he simply shifted some of his direct official duties onto me. He used my time and ideas, and I came down from heaven to earth only after he at the board of directors of our company blamed his own mistake on me.

Get out of the role of a victim

It seems to some that we are simply doomed to the role of a victim: as soon as we get rid of the obsessive «persecutor», other «saviors» and «patrons» turn out to be nearby. “Often a person unconsciously gets used to establishing such relationships and does not leave himself a chance to take the first step towards liberation from uninvited influence,” continues Alexander Orlov.

“I just have a gift of some kind to attract a klutz! complains 25-year-old Svetlana. — For my friends and acquaintances, I play the role of a «psychologist», to whom everyone complains. What do I get in return? Nothing but regular bouts of blues. I myself have no one to look for support!”

This tendency to self-denial is often characteristic of people with low self-esteem. “They are always ready to sacrifice themselves, because they are subconsciously convinced that this is the only way to compensate for their shortcomings,” explains Albina Loktionova.

In other words, a relationship built on energy dependence is not a one-sided attack, but the result of the interaction of both parties.

“Behind the common term “vampirism” is the complex work of the defense mechanisms of the psyche of the “victim” herself,” says Elena Sidorenko. — Most often it is a projection mechanism. With the definition of «vampire» we often stigmatize a person who annoys us with something. In fact, this is how we react to its quality that we are not ready to accept in ourselves or, conversely, deep down we would like to possess it ourselves. For example, a colleague is optional, sloppy, works carelessly, while we are excessively punctual, collected and responsible.

We are ready to consider this slob a «vampire», although his only fault is that he is late for work, does not worry about frustrated obligations and generally treats life with a fair amount of frivolity — in a word, he does everything that we are not ready for ourselves allow and what in reality we are sorely lacking. When a person has to constantly spend energy on fighting unconscious impulses, he simply does not have energy left for his affairs. And then he is inclined to attribute the feeling of natural fatigue to the malicious influence of other people.

Therefore, before trying to look for the root of your problems in others, analyze your own feelings — perhaps the real reason for your discomfort lies in your internal unresolved contradictions.