Contents
Hello dear readers! A resentful person is a person who is not able to fulfill his needs on his own, and choosing such a childish way, he manipulates others, expecting them to provide just what he needs while they make amends, reward suffering and prove their love.
Where does she come from?
Problems come from childhood
Resentment is actually a stopped aggression that a person, for some reason, cannot show in some situation, in relation to someone, or in general. This style of behavior and response to difficulties, as usual, originates from childhood.
Do you remember how little children puff out their lower lip and start crying, mimicking world-wide suffering? It even touches, if only because the child is still stupid and not independent. Therefore, caring adults instantly try to detect and destroy the causes of his grief. With the help of this feeling, the child already at a more conscious age, well, from about two years old, begins to try to control his parents, wanting to get his own.
And if this maneuver works in every situation, then it will successfully gain a foothold and take root, becoming one of the components of his personality. And what, it’s very convenient, to find a weak spot in mom, for example, the fear of condemnation and shame, and then, if she doesn’t buy the desired toy, throw a tantrum right in the store, because of which you get a soft spot and then defiantly shut up , filling the eyes with pain and sadness.
Mom will definitely feel guilty later, and the brighter the suffering is depicted, the faster it will happen. And it is customary to “make amends” for guilt, so even if not on the same day, but on the next, she will go for a toy. After all, to admit the thought that “I am a bad mother” is scary and shameful.
So, having tried this method once and having received positive reinforcement, that is, the necessary effect, the baby will use it again and again. The only problem is that, growing up and going out into the world, establishing connections with other people, more mature and responsible, he stumbles upon an unexpected discovery — his method does not work, or works, but not with everyone.
Only here is knowledge and practice, how to interact with them in a different way — no, which is why suffering intensifies, causing a very clear feeling that he was a victim, powerless and unhappy in this world of unjust people.
Example one
If about aggression, then there is a stereotype that anger is bad. And if a small child is angry with someone, then he is also necessarily bad, and moreover, he will still be punished for it. And in general, how dare he be angry with his parents if they gave him life and take care of him?
And it doesn’t matter that mom turned off the cartoon at the most interesting place, arguing that it’s time for bed. This mother understands the consequences if you don’t get enough sleep, but the baby still doesn’t, and anger is a completely healthy reaction to violation of his boundaries. Well, imagine you are watching the much-awaited football match, and your wife, saying that you have to get up early for work, abruptly turns off the TV. What is your reaction?
So, reacting with a completely logical and healthy emotion, the baby only receives punishment, depending on how it is accepted in the family, either by the pope, or in the form of rejection, etc. And so time after time.
Of course, over time, he will realize that this does not work with his parents, so he chooses a new method. Only growing up again, he will unconsciously immediately block his irritation and anger, displacing these feelings completely and denying that he experiences them at all.
Therefore, when a loved one is late from work, it is more common to be offended, to say that he no longer loves, to close himself in a room and sob, waiting for evidence to the contrary, than to say that he was angry, because she was waiting for him home because she missed him.
Example two
Another reason why a person becomes touchy is the example of adults. A baby, being born, does not know what is good and what is bad, and in general, how to handle and behave with this world. He learns this from those who nurture him. And no matter what you tell him, he will read exactly your behavior, trying to reproduce it.
If metaphorically, then the child builds his own separate house, and takes the bricks from significant people, as well as the planning project itself. Now imagine that dad turned out to be the most significant, only the trouble is that his house was not completed, because at some stage of his development he got stuck, and now he turns into a victim at every opportunity when he does not want to take responsibility.
Then, if a more significant person does not meet on the way of the baby, with a full-fledged completed “dwelling”, then in adulthood he will turn into a little suffering girl for moments if someone dares not to live up to his expectations. Even if he is 50 years old. Yes, it’s cruel, but that’s what people who abuse this feeling look like.
Recommendations
In general, is this feeling necessary?
1. What gives resentment? So, what to do and how to stop being a sufferer, if feelings really go off scale and cover your head like a wave? First of all, turn on rationalization, this will help you cool down a bit and feel the ground under your feet. Just think, what will it give you if at the moment, huddled into a ball, you sob all alone?
If, of course, you just want to cry, that’s your right. But when you choose this path in order to fully feel all the pain and punish the offender in this way, stop immediately, otherwise, apart from self-destruction, this will not bring the destruction of relationships.
2. Do you know how people feel about touchy people? No, not love, tenderness and desire to be closer, but disgust, hostility, disappointment, pity and anger. Human psychology is such that he does not want to feel a prisoner of guilt. Therefore, even if they try to “make amends” for it, most likely they do it in order to finally stop this circus, depriving themselves of stress, and so that you come to your senses sooner. And not because I suddenly realized how badly I did with such a wonderful person like you.
Now think about it, do you really enjoy the fact that you are torturing yourself and loved ones? First of all, you make yourself worse by depriving yourself of joys and pleasures. Is the “office of the victim” worth such suffering and restrictions?
3. Explore. Why and for what are you ready to execute your offender, and is he really as guilty as it seems? Unfortunately, situations are not uncommon when, not being able to show aggression in fact and in place, she shoots after a large number of years at people who are completely uninvolved in this story.
A common example is when, having received a negative relationship experience, a girl begins to avenge her broken heart to all subsequent men, as if they are to blame for the fact that she once chose a not-so-good guy as a partner.
By the way, in order to determine the degree of your touchiness, you can take this test.
Responsibility and self-esteem
- Responsibility, only we are responsible for our life and its quality. And this statement should become your motto. Don’t expect others to meet your needs. No one owes anything to anyone, and if you learn this, life will become much easier.
- If you do not reconsider your expectations, especially if they are too high, then you risk spending your whole life without getting what you want. It is important to understand that in this world no one owes anything to anyone. Therefore, it is necessary to independently step towards the dream. If you require something from others, then think about whether what you give in return is equivalent?
- Work on your self-esteem, because it is precisely this behavior that is direct evidence that a person is not confident in himself, which is why, torturing his «tyrant», he asserts himself so clumsily.
Exercises
1. «Balloon». In moments when you realize that you are once again letting your childishness take over, do this exercise. To do this, you will need to be alone with yourself for at least 5 minutes. Close your eyes and imagine that you have a deflated balloon in your hands. For the best effect, it is quite possible to take the real one.
So, your task is to inflate it, imagining that along with the air, all negative experiences and thoughts get into it. Take a deep breath, and as you exhale, release your body from negative emotions. Then tie it up and let it go. Let it fly wherever it wants, burst, now it does not concern you.
2. Love yourself. A person who loves himself and appreciates himself will not allow such exaggerated torments in relation to himself, moreover, independently organized ones. So do a good deed, let yourself be happy, and the recommendations in this article will help you with this.
3. Learn to state your needs and feelings directly.. If you immediately say what hurt or hurt you, asking you to be more careful in handling — you will defend your boundaries, and if you shut up, expecting that the other person will guess what he did wrong and how to pray for sin now — turn into an infantile awkward person. See the article on personal space.
How to deal with such an infantile personality
Most importantly, do not take on universal sins, trying to atone for everything to the last. Such a person will intentionally hurt you in any way, just to avenge his offense, which, by the way, can come from nowhere. So do not encourage such behavior by patiently enduring all the torture, just to pay tribute to suffering.
Adult people communicate, they discuss what does not suit someone, hurts and angers, and look for ways, that is, they agree on how to deal with this further. Without accusations, tantrums and depreciation.
Conclusion
Resentment is a habit, and habits must be fought if they are harmful. Yes, and how to communicate with someone without understanding at what point a “grenade will explode” and how destructive it will be? So you have the strength and then you can change, because the main thing is desire!