Who do we settle scores with on social media?

We often talk to navigators and other virtual assistants – all kinds of widgets and applications. And we don’t just talk, we also get angry at them for “they” missing a turn, or we argue if we don’t agree with suggested routes or events planned by Siri. And with what undisguised pleasure and even gloating we set a search query to the “OK Google” service. And it can be funny if he finds something wrong without hearing our request. To be honest, we ourselves like to “troll” someone, even a gadget.

I am virtual and I am real

There are two manifestations of oneself in the virtual space. I am the same as in reality. I joke the same way, I argue the same way, I am just offended and blame the offenders.

“When you are ruffy and caustic in live communication, no one will be surprised by your devastating post or caustic comment under someone else’s publication. But there is another option: when we create a special image in social networks, in chats, on dating sites. Desirable. The way we deep down want to be in the real world. And here often the reaction of others is not so important – the main thing is to express yourself. If you don’t get something in life, but really want it, then you compensate with bonuses in social networks – supportive likes and words. If you love praise in life, then social networks are just Klondike. Especially for those who lack praise, ”explains psychologist, psychodramatherapist Natalya Ruzlyaeva.

Often in such posts we see literally every sneeze and every step of the creator: what he ate, where he went, what he looked at, what he put on. This also has a right to exist. It is important to understand the purpose of such publications. Created images require great emotional investment. Keeping face is always very difficult. And often it is our reaction to other people’s comments that breaks through the armor of the created avatar. And sometimes we ourselves, hiding behind a virtual mask, pour out poison, which in reality we do not allow ourselves. Why?

“If there was a ban on the manifestation of aggression in the family, it accumulates, and there will certainly be that place and that object in the infinite space of the Web, on which the accumulated anger, irritation, rage will pour out. The mask on the social network gives great opportunities to do this quickly and with almost impunity. There are cases when one and the same person created several accounts – “good” and “bad” in order to manipulate the object with special pleasure.

Who are you arguing with now?

In social networks, there is often an exchange of views. Let’s say I wrote a post. They write to me: “You are wrong.” And I feel like I’m turning on. I start foaming at the mouth to prove how right I am. It is important to track down what really hooked me so. It may turn out that this is exactly the case – “You are wrong!” my mother told me. But I could never argue with my mother. Or argued, but experience always won. Or maybe mom is no longer in this world, and it is impossible to prove to her how wrong she was. And what is left for me? Ban! At least now, “I won,” suggests Natalia Ruzlyaeva.

But every time we will stumble over our parents or other people who left a deep mark on our souls – brothers and sisters, teachers, friends, ex-husbands and wives. Every foreign theme that resonates with us is about ourselves. We are captured by what is not worked out and not sent to the scrap. What is relevant now. Are we getting divorced? Are we being fired? A teenage child brought a girl home? Did the boss humiliate you at a planning meeting? Our inner tuning fork will not let us lie to ourselves. It is important to hear its sound and not be deaf.

“We can meet someone in real life and see them as our parents. Or brother and sister. But in social networks, the probability of “meeting” them is very high,” says Natalya Ruzlyaeva. Because there are only words, bare information, which we do not just perceive – we interpret it and clothe it in a convenient or familiar package. Facial expression, intonation, gestures … We think all this for the writer. And, accordingly, we react to our own “notion”.

“The word “attentively” for many is an ordinary, uncolored word. But for me personally, it’s a trigger. That’s what my mom says when she answers the phone. She tells it to everyone. And I automatically read this word in social networks with the intonations of my mother. And I experience the whole range of feelings, as if I heard it for real.

Behind harmless, neutral words, we see faces and conversations with our significant others. At these moments, some deeply personal processes are included. And even the voice on the navigator or in another talking widget or application is not chosen by chance. “Those who once could not resist their mothers, hearing the female voice of the navigator, can unconsciously turn the wrong way, just to do it to spite the“ mother ”, explains Natalya Ruzlyaeva.

The antidote for stranger attacks

If you encounter a comment and find yourself overreacting, it’s worth asking yourself a few questions. “If a friend comments on you, then it is likely that your dispute has a very real basis for long-standing relationships and previous disputes. But if you react too emotionally to someone you don’t know at all, you need to ask yourself: does this dialogue remind me of some other one? Haven’t I heard these words before? Whose image pops into my mind as I read these words?

Even if this is a “troll” deliberately trying to piss you off, then why are you falling for his tricks? The answer may surprise you. And it is also important to check whether such communication adds energy or takes it away. If it takes away, then maybe it’s really worth sending the virtual “dad” or “mother” to the ban?

Virtual support only

“Today we are losing the charm and richness of real friendship. The very word “friend” was devalued. Previously, such people in our lives could be counted on the fingers. And now we can have several thousand of them in social networks. It is clear that this is only a play on words and concepts that we put into them. I lived in a small town and once could easily drop in on friends for dinner on the way home from work. I didn’t need to warn them. Now I don’t have time to visit on weekdays. Yes, and friends are scattered around the metropolis. And sometimes it’s really easier for me to write a post, get a reaction right there. Internet communication makes our life easier.”

There was even such a paid service: a man offers to take a picture with a lady in front of a limousine for money, so that she can put the photo on social networks so that everyone believes. If someone does not have enough attention in real life, he will receive it in every possible way in virtuality.

“Recently, one of my Facebook friends posted a post: “I’m in a bad mood. Those who have good things – do not write anything, pass by. A lot of people wrote to her, who also had no ice mood. The sense of community is very valuable. It is important for us to understand that we are not alone.

But sometimes the virtual community is deceptive. There is a special category of virtual “residents” who like to publish photos and posts about their problems and illnesses. On the one hand, they can be understood. Such people in the real world lack warmth and support. And they really get them. Of course, there will always be those who will write back: “Oh, poor thing, I’m so worried about you!” Or: “Hold on, I hug you tightly!”

In the virtual world, it’s easy to distribute support. And those who publish texts that he is very ill and needs teraflu should be prepared that if they actually ask to bring teraflu, the list of commentators will be drastically reduced or completely collapsed.

And if we are annoyed by such publications with a photo of a thermometer or broken legs in a cast, we should ask ourselves: maybe I don’t allow myself such a weakness – just to cheer and get the support of others?

Write letters!

How to calm ourselves if we understand that we are not actually arguing with the one whose avatar we see in the comments under our post? “It is worth writing a letter to the real addressee of your feelings. Even if he is no longer alive or you cannot find him and talk to him for a number of reasons. And you need to do this not with the help of a messenger or email. When we write with our own hand, other parts of the brain turn on than when we monotonously type text on a smartphone or computer with our finger. And for someone who reads your letter, written by hand, it is dear that you spent time on it.

Often the intermediary telephone gives carte blanche to rudeness and obscene language. It’s not me who wrote, but the phone. And even typos and offensive words can always be blamed on T9. Handwritten texts are more sincere and truthful, Natalya Ruzlyaeva believes. The barrier in the form of virtual space disappears, and we are left alone with each other, even if in different time periods.

“If we intend to discuss some important topic with a person close or important to us, it is better to do this not in a messenger, but face to face, or at least in a voice. Then we see in front of us and hear a real person, and not a notion about him. We do not supply it with our own constructed intonations and conjectures. We see the person himself, his live and spontaneous reactions, we can share with him what is happening here and now. This is what we call a “meeting” in psychodrama. It is she who creates real contact between real, not virtual people.