Who do men (and women) prefer?

Research shows that there are obvious romantic benefits to the mystery stranger strategy, which is different from the «boyfriend» behavior. “The halo of easy inaccessibility of a possible partner unconsciously makes him unusual and rare in our eyes, and the opportunity to get close to him turns us into such a person,” says social psychologist Robert Cialdini. “However, at the first meeting, detachment can play against us, however, there is a significant difference in the attitude of men and women towards this.”

Men like it when, at the first meeting, they notice sincere interest in girls, signals of readiness to continue communication, while women prefer that a man maintain some distance.

Kindness and openness attract men

A group of psychologists led by Gurit Birnbaum conducted a series of experiments, describing them in the article «Why Men Prefer Friendly Women.»

Under the condition of the first test, in which previously unknown men and women met, one of the participants was asked to share an episode from the past, which turned out to be a certain test for him. The partner had to listen and respond. Then the participant, who spoke about himself, rated the interlocutor in terms of the level of empathy, male/female charisma and sexual attractiveness.

The second experiment involved communicating over the Internet, but the test conditions remained the same: participants had to share their thoughts and feelings with a stranger of the opposite sex. However, the role of listening online respondents was played by the authors of the test themselves, who expressed sympathy: “You went through a very difficult time, I understand you,” or, on the contrary, expressed incomprehension: “I don’t see anything unusual in this.” Later, the narrator evaluated virtual acquaintances according to the same criteria.

The third experiment repeated the first, but those participants who evaluated the interlocutors of the opposite sex were also asked a question about possible long-term relationships with them.

Interestingly, the results of all three studies varied by gender. Men noted that women who were kind, considerate, and responded with sympathy seemed to them more feminine. They were called sexually attractive and were chosen as possible romantic partners.

On women, men’s openness and friendliness did not make the same strong impression. They liked or disliked the interlocutors, regardless of how attentive and interested they showed themselves.

“Men are attracted to clarity in relationships and the signals from women that motivate them to move on and be more active are important,” says Gurit Birmbaum. They like to see a woman open, showing warmth and showing attention and interest. This is important at the first meeting. In the future, a woman may begin to play a different role, allowing a man to achieve it. Thus, she often wins if she allows a slight flirtation with the man she is interested in and is happy to keep up a conversation with him.

Women value distance when meeting

Why, then, are women often skeptical of men who frankly demonstrate their special interest and sympathy at the first meeting?

“Excessive male attention from a stranger makes a woman wary — she can read it as an ostentatious demonstration in order to get it just for sex,” says Gurit Birbaum. “Therefore, men at the first meeting and subsequent meetings are more likely to win if they give a woman literally more space, that is, maintain a physical distance. This helps her to feel more comfortable in communicating with a new acquaintance, to feel that she is safe and the interest in her is quite sincere.

A study by psychologists Lee Ann Renninger, Joyel Wade, and Karl Grammer on how men are most effective at getting women’s attention shows that those who make eye contact without disturbing their new acquaintance’s comfort zone win. In practice, this means that, having met, they joke and communicate not only with her, but also with those who are around. Thus, a woman has the opportunity to observe and evaluate a man from the outside, in a safe environment.

Research by social psychologists Bob Fennis and sociologist Mariella Stahl also demonstrates the importance of non-verbal contact with a person of the opposite sex when first meeting. The authors note that the winner is the one who, at the first meeting, speaks quietly, does not allow active gestures, and moves away slightly during the conversation so as not to violate the boundaries of the interlocutor’s psychological space.

“If you are attentive enough to a person, you will feel the moment when he is more relaxed,” says psychologist Jeremy Nickleson. “As a rule, your counterpart is more confident in making eye contact, starts smiling, and leans in your direction when talking.”

“This is especially important when meeting people of the opposite sex and for men it turns out to be the moment when they can move on to a more active phase in communication,” emphasizes Bob Fennis. “Use more expressive gestures, intotone some words or expressions, lean a little closer towards the interlocutor when speaking, that is, allow yourself more emotionality.” At this stage, a woman gradually ceases to perceive a stranger as a potential threat, and if people like each other, then this can be the beginning of a closer and more trusting relationship.