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These people only think of themselves. Those who have entered into relationships with them often regret doing so. And who attracts the narcissists themselves? Who do they like and why? We asked readers to share their experience of relationships with the most irresistible and cold.
Narcissist + empath
Many articles have been written about how selfish narcissists love the company of kind and warm people. Their insatiable ego is “feeded” by care and compassion. There is a high probability of leaving such a relationship with a feeling of “used” – squeezed out and devastated.
“My ex-girlfriend is narcissistic, arrogant and selfish, she knew how to be charming and sweet for her own benefit. People interested her for only two reasons. Or they could benefit her, and then she turned on her charm.
Or they could enter her “retinue” – and then, no matter if it was friendly or romantic, the scenario turned out to be the same. She showed interest, went for rapprochement and “conquered” a person, so that later she could play with him like a cat with a mouse, then shortening, then increasing the distance, ”says 38-year-old Denis.
Narcissus + Narcissus
What happens when a narcissist meets a narcissist? Is there an attraction between them, or, on the contrary, will they not tolerate a “twin” next to them?
“Once I saw her interacting with another narcissist, an even more obnoxious and arrogant brother of our friend,” continues Denis. — We spent the weekend together in the country, and I watched them. It was like a dance of two cobras. They puffed out their hoods, showing their strengths, but also showing mutual respect. By the end of the weekend, they were completely enamored with each other.”
In 2016, researcher Alex Burton, together with John Milton Adams and his colleagues from the Department of Psychology at the University of Alabama, published the results of the project1 under the odious title: “You remind me of someone delightful.” The project helped to understand why and to what extent similar personalities can like each other.
“I love myself in you”
The study assessed the reactions of narcissistic people to actors exhibiting narcissistic or “anti-narcissistic” behavior. It turns out that like attracts like. And the sympathy of narcissists for similar people is due to their perceived similarity.
The “narcissistic tolerance theory,” as psychologists say, explains why even the most intolerable, annoying narcissists can arouse sympathy in people with the same personality type. Those traits that they accept in themselves and consider their strengths, they like in others.
No self-criticism
Trial lawyer, criminologist, and author of How to Read People, Wendy Patrick, writes that these findings confirm previous research findings that narcissists are more likely to relate to those with whom they show some degree of similarity.
It is worth paying attention, notes Wendy Patrick, to a simple conclusion. Since narcissists like each other more because of their apparent similarity, it is unlikely that they feel hatred for themselves, for their narcissistic sides.
For other people, this means that you should not expect self-criticism from such people, it makes no sense to expect that a heart-to-heart talk will “open their eyes” to the negative aspects of their character. This should be taken into account so as not to waste time and resources. It is better to use them for your own recovery.
There is always a better option
If they like each other, does this mean that such unions will be strong? But no, psychologists say. Mutual sympathy does not guarantee tolerance and fidelity. Biologists Carrie Haslam and Tamara Monrose from Gloucestershire College (UK) conducted a study2, which explains this pattern.
Inflated self-esteem narcissists often breed dissatisfaction with relationships, they are prone to manipulation, selfish and lack empathy. In addition, these people are attracted to partners with high social status, because in this way narcissists get opportunities for themselves to rise above.
“Combined with low levels of partner fidelity, this can lead narcissistic individuals to constantly seek new relationships with those who are even more attractive,” Wendy Patrick comments on the results of the published study.
What should the rest do?
But what about those who themselves are not like that, but suffered in relations with these unbearable, but sometimes very attractive partners? To begin with, to realize what qualities of yours attracted such a person, advises Wendy Patrick.
Kindness, compassion, empathy, a tendency to care for others are wonderful traits. And if you have them, then, of course, you deserve better than a selfish, narcissistic and not appreciating partner.
Although many refer to the period of their relationship with narcissists as “lost time”, in some ways it is a valuable experience. It helps us appreciate how much love, respect, and devotion are valuable to us. So a failed relationship in the past can pave the way for a healthy union in the future.
1 https://www.researchgate.net/publication/308183257_You_remind_me_of_someone_awesome_Narcissistic_tolerance_is_driven_by_perceived_similarity
2 https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S019188691500210X#