Sleep right away or talk a little? Intimate conversation after sex can please everyone – under certain conditions.
The power of bed conversations is in an atmosphere of emancipation. Partners can speak tenderness to each other, share secrets, or simply say whatever comes to mind. It’s not words that matter, but feelings. But why then do some (especially men) avoid these conversations? Is it just fatigue?
Testosterone against oxytocin
After sex, one of the partners, to the displeasure of the other, turns to the wall and falls asleep. Sounds like the start of a hackneyed joke? But this commonplace stamp has a basis. The fact is that an orgasm has a similar, but still not the same effect on men and women.
During sex, a large dose of the hormone oxytocin is released into the bloodstream. Thanks to him, we feel closeness and affection. But the male hormone testosterone acts as an antagonist of oxytocin. He is involved in processes of dominance and competition that undermine the sense of trust. High testosterone levels may be the reason why a man is not so gentle and caring after sex.
In female physiology, the opposite is true: the hormone estrogen enhances the action of oxytocin. “From an evolutionary standpoint, it’s more natural for men to build on their reproductive success, and it’s more natural for women to strengthen relationships,” explains psychologist Daniel Krueger.
Is it all about the orgasm?
So, men with high testosterone levels are less prone to bed conversations. It would seem that everything is obvious here: you should not expect a sudden craving for sincerity from an assertive lover. And vice versa, choosing a more emotional and gentle partner, a woman can count on long conversations about the innermost in between sex. But there is one detail that can make a difference: orgasm.
Psychologists at the University of Connecticut (USA) came to the conclusion that the effect of talking after sex is lower if the partners do not reach orgasm. Conversely, a strong orgasm can “talk” even men with elevated testosterone levels.
Participants in the study kept an intimate diary in which they noted what the sexual contact was like, whether it was accompanied by an orgasm, what happened after sex. If sex was accompanied by conversation, they needed to evaluate it.
Before the start of the experiment, all participants were tested for testosterone levels. In the low-level group, records of conversations after sex were generally positive: partners were comfortable with each other, and such emotional exchange strengthened the relationship.
In the high-testosterone group, partners communicated less frequently, but still enjoyed it if the sex was particularly successful. But the lack of orgasm spoiled the effect of communication even with emotionally sensitive partners.1.
What conclusion can be drawn from these results? If after sex you are eager to share your feelings with your partner, first make sure that his pleasure was complete and genuine. If in doubt, think about it – maybe you should postpone the revelations until another time.
1 Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, online publication of March 4, 2016.