Contents
They make you feel stress, fear, but at the same time they are popular with women. Why might we be attracted to dangerous partners? What does this say about ourselves?
We do not always realize why one man is of interest and curiosity, and it is difficult to even imagine another as a partner. Sometimes something familiar, understandable attracts: it relaxes, the world seems a little more predictable.
But it happens that it attracts to someone who is completely different from us and even hostile. It seems that communication with such a person should be frightening, alarming, but the more dangerous the connection becomes, the more curiosity flares up.
Clinical psychologist Kira Romanova talks about two scenarios that force us to choose potentially dangerous partners. In both cases, the woman finds herself in a relationship with someone who is prone to suppress her, and perhaps even physical abuse. But the reasons why such a man turned out to be nearby are different.
The habit of living «on a volcano»
Aggression against us cannot but violate our borders. The aggressor invades personal space, imposes his position, puts pressure on decision-making. Physical violence violates the boundaries of the body, causing harm to it. Emotional abuse usually accompanies physical abuse, but it is also traumatic in and of itself. We feel fear for ourselves, loved ones, we neglect our own interests, and sometimes we seem to lose our will.
“If a child grew up in a family where he was often beaten, then in adulthood he may lack respect for his own boundaries,” says Kira Romanova. “In some cases, the body may even partially lose sensitivity: it will be difficult for a person to listen to his reactions, recognize unpleasant sensations, pain.”
Growing up, we are often still not free from the relationship scenario that has developed in the parental family. If a girl grew up in an environment where violence was the norm rather than the exception, then in adulthood she may not attach importance to her partner’s irascibility. Aggressive behavior will seem habitual rather than intimidating.
Even though we are aware that relationships with the aggressor cause suffering, we cannot always easily get out of them. Moreover, there is often no idea of what a non-violent relationship might look like, and a calm and predictable man can seem boring, the expert says.
Key to own aggression
Love is often romanticized, compared to a fire that destroys everything in its path. Next to whom can you experience such a strong feeling?
Kira Romanova says that it is often calm, restrained women who are attracted to passionate, emotional and unbalanced partners. Their aggression is not necessarily expressed in assault, but they feel power over others, become seducers and manipulators. The so-called «correct» girls often live, forbidding themselves a lot. This habit of being nice and accommodating is formed in childhood.
The child does not divide feelings into good or bad, but he notes the reaction of his parents to his behavior. If a girl faced rejection and even rejection of her own feelings as a child, she could learn that being good means never being angry. Suppressing aggression, she loses contact with it, although she still feels the need to express it, the expert writes.
The ability of a man to openly show anger is so attractive and alluring that a woman is ready to forgive him a lot
It can be difficult for a girl who is used to being soft to protect herself — it is difficult for her to resist the internal prohibition on the manifestation of aggression. An assertive, self-confident partner is not afraid to be arrogant or aggressive and thus indirectly helps her realize her own need to express strong feelings.
“If a girl lacked protection in childhood, then next to such a person she hopes that she can find it. We are often attracted to exactly what we lack ourselves. An aggressive partner infects us with his fearlessness,” says Kira Romanova.
A strong, powerful man causes both anxiety and pride. A woman will tell her friends with admiration how her husband almost got into a fight, wanting to protect her. At the same time, his temper can turn against her.
The ability of a man to openly show anger is so attractive and alluring that a woman is ready to forgive him a lot. It is likely that in such a relationship she will have to experience a lot of pain and humiliation, but it is not easy to escape from them.
How to change the relationship script?
Since the reasons that make women choose such partners are different, the ways to change the familiar relationship scenario will be different.
“In the first case, it is especially important to learn to feel your own boundaries, and then defend them. In the second — to recognize your true needs, desires, try to present them in society, ”explains the psychologist.
In both situations, Kira Romanova recommends clearly defining the boundaries of what is acceptable: which attitude of the other you are ready to accept, and which you are not. If a person refuses to comply with your requirements, this should be a wake-up call.
Lack of respect for personal boundaries, unacceptable behavior of a partner indicate the need to end the relationship, because you are in danger in them. And most importantly — do not hesitate to seek help if necessary. This may include the services of professional psychologists and relevant organizations, as well as the support of relatives, friends and acquaintances. Destructive relationships make us vulnerable, and therefore we especially need support and support.