Contents
Separating from our parents, we feel more independent. Individual qualities that could not manifest themselves before, at this moment begin to actively manifest themselves. If we grew up in a toxic family, it will not be easy to separate. But it is necessary to do this in order to grow up and give yourself a chance for a happy life.
HOW INDIVIDUATION HAPPENS
Separation from toxic parents is not a goal, but a means to start an autonomous life. A person who merges with a parent in his life uses the individual features of his mother or father. He adopts and transmits their attitude to the world. Follows their rules about how to behave, who to learn from, how to act in various situations, marry or not marry, whom to communicate with, whom to love, how to dress and cut your hair, and so on.
Separation naturally sets in motion a parallel process, individuation. The individuation of adults who grew up in a toxic environment is the embodiment of their individual characteristics, delayed due to circumstances. This is a process in which a person listens to himself, discovers his desires and fulfills them. During separation, the psyche «allows» itself to have and show those qualities that were previously forbidden by the parents.
At the same time, we refuse what was instilled in us by force. From an unloved profession, an unloved partner, an unloved lifestyle and appearance, behavior in society that does not suit us. Artificially imposed attitudes and values begin to gradually fall away, like an unnecessary husk.
Individuation can be compared to the work of a sculptor who removes unnecessary material in order to give a stone a new shape. When a person is in symbiosis with his parents, he bears the unnecessary burden of their problems, projections, aggression, hatred. And in the process of separation, he gradually sheds the excess, leaving what belongs to him — his individuality.
WHAT DOES IT EXPRESS?
Becoming an individual is the process of accepting your strengths and characteristics without trying to change them to please anyone. Transformation concerns the attitude to the body, sexuality, peculiarities of thinking, humor and spontaneity, appearance, hobbies, forms of recreation, work and career, everything else.
In other words, individuation is finding our own unique life that suits us. This process is endless, it goes on for years, as we are constantly learning something, gaining new experience and continuing to change.
A person separated from toxic parents joins a huge stream of people who independently determine their lives. Individuation becomes a constant normal process of self-knowledge, manifestation of one’s abilities and talents, discovery of new qualities in oneself during the passage of age transitions (30 years, 40 years, 50, 60, and so on).
FEARS OF INDIVIDUALITY or «WHERE BEASTS LIVE»
The process of returning to yourself is often accompanied by fears, and this is normal. Here are the moments that make you anxious and afraid.
Pace. Any change scares the psyche. Accordingly, the faster the changes, the stronger the fears. Therefore, the psyche has developed a protective balance: we separate and go through individuation at a pace acceptable to our mental apparatus. If we move slowly, we are not satisfied with the low speed. If it’s too fast, fear makes us slow down. Everyone finds their golden mean.
Feeling of unreality. Another feeling that often accompanies individuation is a sense of the unreality of what is happening. For example, a man who separates from his mother becomes more active at work, offering a solution to a problem the department is facing. He has a desire to take care of his physical form. Tastes in food change, a new hobby appears. At the same time, he feels these changes as something that is not happening to him.
It’s like watching a movie where he suddenly becomes the main character living a different life. This sense of unreality is natural and should not be feared. It means that the psyche is actively rebuilt, assimilating new experience. This is a marker confirming that a person is being «reassembled» in accordance with his own goals and desires, this is how separation and individuation work, which work simultaneously.
GOOD NEWS
The fears listed above are growing pains. If you are scared when separating from toxic parents, then you are on the right track and can praise and cheer yourself up. He who does not separate is not afraid!
Individuation is like a second birth. Just as a woman first bears a fetus, and then worries when a child is born, so we first “breed” the desire to separate, and then we worry, “giving birth” to ourselves anew.
And over time, the psyche becomes more whole. It does not conflict with itself and is therefore more stable. It is easier for us to endure anxieties, we spend less energy on them. Resources are channeled into productive channels, and as a result, we feel empowered to do business, earn money, build relationships, and live.
AWARD
Actually, individuation is the main reward that brings satisfaction. Internal stability, improved contact with your needs and body, a more stable state when communicating with people, interest in life… All these changes become a prize for which it is worth separating and searching for the real you.