Who am i?

A simple, at first glance, the question “Who am I?” Today we ask ourselves more and more often. Unlike previous generations, whose lives were largely predetermined by family, religious and social values, we now have many more opportunities to live as our own desires dictate to us. We more easily give up beliefs that limit us, change the social and professional environment, we can choose religion and even gender. But the abundance of opportunities for self-realization adds doubts. What is really mine in me? How to find the best in yourself and the world around you and what should you give up? And in general, what is this – my “I” in its true sense?

Set the foundation

Since the time of Freud, it has been known that our inner self is not some isolated island, not subject to external influences, but with the help of the unconscious, it is built within our own family history, at a specific time. That is why, in order to bring a person back to himself, psychoanalysis “sends” him to study his roots: in them lies the source of many problems, a knot that you can try to untie. As the well-known French psychologist Anne Ancelin Schutzenberger spoke about this in her book Ancestral Syndrome, “we continue the chain of generations and pay off the debts of the past … Some kind of “invisible loyalty”, regardless of our desire, regardless of our awareness, pushes us to repeat pleasant experiences or traumatic ones. events…”

In order to pronounce the word “I” with full right, you need to revise your history, come to terms with the past of your family – understand, accept and consciously take your place in it. Life situations (and conclusions from them), which we accept or reject, become “bricks” that make up and define us. In other words, to dare to be ourselves, we need to consciously choose what we feel good in ourselves and get rid of what torments us.

Choose direction

Social roles and beliefs, feelings and thoughts claim to be central to our lives. We can perceive ourselves mainly as a professional or, say, a mother of a family, as if conserving ourselves in a single image. But during the day, a person can be a worker and a friend, a parent and a spouse, be sad and angry, love and remain indifferent. “These states must be constantly coordinated with each other,” says psychotherapist Gleb Lozinsky. – Those who think: “I became myself and now I will always remain so” are mistaken. The path to yourself is constant development and change.

This path requires effort, reflection and attention, and therefore it is much easier to believe that we have finally formed, that all the properties of our personality and character traits are unchanged. “Yes, I am like that and I can’t help myself”, “I have such a character” – which of us has not heard such phrases? “But, having taken such a position, a person limits himself,” comments Gleb Lozinsky, “he does not allow himself to move forward, develop, and therefore fences himself off from himself.”

What does it mean to take a step towards your true identity? “Some people think that being yourself means allowing yourself to do whatever you want,” says family therapist Boris Shapiro. “We all have Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in us, and it is up to us to choose which one of them will prevail. One must try not to harm others on the way to oneself.

For centuries, spiritual leaders of various denominations have called on a person to overcome his imperfect “I”. Now we can choose for ourselves a different way of self-improvement: to treat ourselves with respect, creativity and love. And, of course, without taking his attitude to the extreme – creating a cult of his own “I”. In other words, to develop your individuality without falling into egocentrism.

Be authentic in communication

Some people think that being yourself means telling literally everything about yourself and literally telling others what you think about them. “During my student years, I tried a similar style of communication, it seemed very modern to me,” admits 25-year-old Arina. “But in many situations, I felt only awkwardness. In any case, it did not add friends to me. “Being frank does not mean saying everything you think,” comments existential psychologist Svetlana Krivtsova. “It means thinking and feeling what you say.”

Only by finding a match between our own thoughts, feelings and what we express to another person, we get the opportunity to build a full-fledged relationship. “If, when communicating, a person understands what is important for him, assumes what is important to another, and also takes into account the time and place of communication, he will be able to express his thoughts and feelings without violating the boundaries of the other,” adds Gleb Lozinsky.

But you can become open with others only by learning to be open, first of all, with yourself. Suppressed memories, emotional trauma, unconscious desires, negative feelings – all this prevents us from being sincere: we do not want to recognize them, unconsciously fearing that they will destroy us. Working with them, studying ourselves, we begin to communicate differently with others – and this enriches and simplifies our life. It enriches because it gives you the opportunity to experience your feelings more vividly, to speak more freely about yourself and your desires. And it simplifies, because it relieves us of the heavy need to pretend or embellish ourselves.

Meeting point

Meeting with the present can expect us in a variety of situations – in joy and sadness, in communication with friends, or when you need to make some kind of decision. It is easy to understand that it happened: at this moment we clearly feel the harmony of our own thoughts and feelings, we clearly understand: everything that we are doing now is right and true. “Constantly reflecting is not necessary at all,” says Boris Shapiro. – To feel this inner integrity, sometimes it’s enough just to decide and make a choice: this is right for me, and this is not. Regardless of what others say (or think) about your decision.

You can “feel yourself” by defining the boundaries of your own capabilities. “Realizing that we don’t know how, don’t want to or don’t have time to do something, we experience strong and not always pleasant emotions, but as a result we begin to understand ourselves much better,” explains Gleb Lozinsky.

To know whether we are currently ourselves is also helped by the other – “the other-in-us”. It’s about that inner feeling of oneself, which allows us to notice and correlate our feelings, thoughts and actions, to discover the sources of creative forces in ourselves. “This other one is not an overseer, not an evaluating intellectual,” explains Gleb Lozinsky. Rather, it can be compared with a kind of angel who carefully turns us to ourselves.

Finding yourself means learning to look at yourself carefully and with interest, listen to your inner feelings and understand them, draw strength from your own sources. In a word, to be an inspired participant, and not a spectator of one’s own life, a full part of the world in which we live.