Which is stronger: the word or the silence?

In the beginning there was a word – I mean the first word we uttered, then there were phrases. There were many words.

At first, new words and phrases delighted both me and my parents. Finally, the moment came when there were too many words, and adults quickly became stupid – this was adolescence.

As a teenager, I could teach anyone about life. I was sure that every person can be explained everything, the world is ruled by logic, and the truth can only be the only one and probably everyone wants it. It’s so nice when everything is clear.

With what joy I shared new books and new ideas! What a great thing to say! But very soon it turned out that the competition in this field is simply off scale.

At best, your monologue is tolerated, usually interrupted, in the third version, your “smart speeches” begin to frankly annoy. “She always knows everything” is not praise at all.

Someone needs the truth, probably, but it is not known to whom, when and why, and to each his own.

Coming home after meeting different people, I sadly stroked the spines of my favorite books with the feeling that I had betrayed them. I lived alternately in their worlds from spine to spine.

They never refused to communicate with me, they were their own, relatives, you could argue with them, agree with them. They could understand everything. Some of them marked periods of my life. If the end was sad, all the same, all the heroes of the book understood who was wrong, justice was nearby, at least in the face of the reader.

It was a deception, it was a myth and a mirage, emerging into reality, I understood that the world doses its feelings, “it sells them at retail, like a petty trader,” Romain Rolland told me so. And he added: “You don’t understand this for a long time, you can’t come to terms with it even longer.” Everyone knew my books, but it did not help anyone around. The world continued to live as if the word had not been spoken.

And then I fell silent from confusion. I swear that for two years I dosed the words, as in the 61st year semolina was dosed by cards. I suddenly became a very silent girl, I guessed no worse than Tyutchev that the word spoken was a lie. He just managed to say it beautifully.

Then the teenager Misha Lermontov reminded me: “Who will tell my thoughts to the crowd? I am either God or no one.”

At a minimum, the world of my loved ones should not be in the dark if something offends me, if I have my own interests and desires.

I understood what to say. Otherwise, you will get stuck in unspoken grievances that no one knows about. Hopes that others can read minds are low.

We are in a hurry to speak out only at the very beginning of our acquaintance, we are afraid of awkward pauses, chatting, perhaps, the most important thing.

The ability to pause, I tell you, is akin to art. The pause should make the word more weighty, not frighten away the thoughts and feelings of the interlocutor, and last just long enough not to become a burden. Almost according to the Stanislavsky system. This comes only with the ability to hear both the words and the silence of the partner.

The ability to listen is actually valued more than the ability to speak.

I guessed about the power of silence at the beginning of my career. Then I worked not as a psychologist. There were 10-15 of us in the department. People actively discussed what they eat and what they wear, and the weather, of course. But in this senselessness, the main task was carried out: not to tell anything superfluous about yourself. Wisdom, experience and intuition, I think.

In addition, silently listening to any nonsense, you get “like-minded people” and fulfill the commandment “do no harm” to yourself, which is sometimes important. You don’t get into arguments for the sake of arguing. It helps a lot to maintain safety and dignity. Brad sometimes settles in our head, it’s good when you don’t have time to express it.

Psychologist’s observations

Later, when I was already working as a psychologist, I had a boy in the group of first-graders, let’s call him Seryozha. He held our first classes under my desk. A year later, he already considered my office the safest place in the world. Gradually became even the leader of our group.

Her mother brought Seryozha, she was worried about poor handwriting and “laziness” in the classroom. She repeated each technique: “You don’t give any advice. What are you doing with it?”

Meanwhile, the advice was: “Start to listen carefully. Listen to the end, and this is the main thing for now.

She was annoyed, she did not believe, by the way, she did not believe it. In their family there were only rules, free time was considered almost a crime, it was not customary to listen to anyone.

For adult groups we had a listening exercise:

The group is divided into pairs, then one person in a pair speaks for three minutes, the other listens silently, without commenting on what was said or asking questions. If the one whose turn it is to speak is silent, it is his right and his time. The listener is silent with him on the same topic: it happens that after a while of silence, the speaker has new thoughts that he can share.

Only three minutes of listening, only hearings, but this experience is unique for many. Three minutes is sometimes enough for deep memories, unexpected insights. The man is silent, and suddenly tears appear. It only needs silence.

Meanwhile, even a simple hint of the right word can knock a person out of concentration. You will never recognize that flashed thought or feeling that you inadvertently scared away.

In the teenage group we asked if they were good listeners and they said yes, we asked if they often feel listened to in life and they said no.

Sometimes, to improve your personal life, you just need to learn to listen and pause at the right time. A simple secret, but effective. If all the pauses are filled, it means that your communication has not matured to true intimacy.

There is the power of words and there is the power of silence. The most important and intimate thoughts and feelings are born in silence, during a pause.