Contents
Hello! Victim behavior is a person’s tendency to subconsciously make choices that lead to negative consequences. That is, periodically be victims.
And today we will try to figure out by what signs the pursuer chooses his victim, and also find out how you can take care of your safety in advance so as not to get into unpleasant stories.
Experiment
One might think that a victim person likes to be the hero of forensic stories, which is why he deliberately provokes other people to commit a crime.
But no, they are not masochists and quite sincerely wish themselves a different fate. But for some reason, troubles happen mainly only to them, but acquaintances always “bypass” such troubles.
A very interesting experiment was conducted by Betty Grayson, which proves to us that victimhood exists. She showed prisoners serving time for assault, murder, rape, or theft a video of people just walking down the street, unaware they were being filmed. Therefore, they behaved quite naturally. And asked them to choose which of them they would prefer to choose as victims.
And what do you think? Most opted for the same filmed personalities. Do you know what was common between all the selected potential victims?
Stoop, head down, sluggish, constrained and uncertain movements. The man showed with his whole appearance that he was immersed in his own thoughts, and not the most rosy ones.
That life has tortured him in order and he does not have the strength to fight for survival, to resist, to fight back. He is ready in advance to humbly bear his burden. And he is not particularly interested in what is happening with the outside world, the people who walk beside him.
Features
Victimization is manifested not only in passive, defenseless behavior. Aggressive individuals, or those who have not learned the rules and standards of behavior in society, can often find themselves in unpleasant situations.
If one person steps on his foot, he can calmly express his indignation. And the second, under exactly the same circumstances, but not being able to control his anger, will immediately rush to insult the offender, arrange a fight. Who do you think is more likely to get hurt or fall into the hands of the police?
The same happens in the animal kingdom. Representatives of the «weak» species, herbivores, for example, being, in fact, food for predators, usually during the mating season tend to arrange fights with a fatal outcome.
Pigeons simply peck at their competitors to such a state that they cannot even stand up. Have you seen fights between tigers and wolves? As soon as one feels superior, the other admits defeat and the fight stops.
The strong do not need to fight to the last, otherwise they will not remain in the world at all. They know their capabilities and that’s enough for them.
Causes of appearance
Hypochondria, lack of attention
I probably will not surprise you, but victim behavior originates from childhood. Namely, when parents or other adults who “nurture” a child pay attention to him only when he feels bad. That is, they emotionally «turn on», begin to take care.
He masters this mechanism well and subsequently unconsciously broadcasts it to others. When everything is fine and calm, he is no longer particularly satisfied, because this way there is a lack of interest in oneself, warmth, sympathy, and so on.
trespassing
Or, if the child had to endure something, endure, being afraid to say that he did not like it. For example, not to be rejected. Yes, even parents. Or not punished if he refused to eat something. There are many ways that violate the boundaries of another person.
We, sometimes without noticing, harm loved ones, committing violence as if from the best of intentions.
For example, if you force a child to eat what they put on a plate. Even if you don’t like the food, ignoring your body’s own signals that it doesn’t fit anymore, and disgust has already appeared right now. And you need to do this, because my mother tried, cooked. And my grandmother survived the war at all, she saw hunger and death from it.
This is already violence. Because over time, he will forget how to listen to his desires and feelings, which means he will live as he is told.
It is very important to teach children to stand up for themselves, to say “no” if they don’t feel like doing something, to respect themselves and value themselves.
Anxiety reduction
Instability and uncertainty cause anxiety and fear. Therefore, some people have to use control to get rid of this unbearable state. Then everything is predictable, understandable and known.
In childhood, such people did not just mess around to get attention, some of them controlled their parents and their reactions in this way. That is, it was easier for them to receive punishment and calm down than to be constantly in anxiety. After all, suddenly it happens at a time when they do not expect?
That’s when the «victim complex» begins to form.
Karpman triangle
Do you know situations in which a husband drinks himself unconscious and beats his wife, and she periodically calls the police, asks her neighbors for help, but eventually returns to him and the massacres begin again?
In their relationship, the tension becomes unbearable and there is a need to “defuse” it. The victim may unknowingly give a signal to the aggressor. He makes an attack. Someone acts as a lifeguard. Unfortunately, it often happens that this function is performed by children.
And then, when the tyrant is stopped, there is a change of roles. The victim turns into the attacker, somehow punishing him for what happened. And over time, everything returns to its place, until the anxiety in the relationship goes off scale again.
This phenomenon even has a name «Karpman’s triangle». Such a vicious circle, because the role of each participant is not fixed in the system. They change places. Then the rescuer attacks the victim, quite reasonably making claims to her that he helped in vain. Since she remains with a tyrant, who, in turn, can begin to protect her.
In general, this is a complex process that is not easy to understand and change without the inclusion of a specialist.
And what is most interesting, the tyrant and the victim always find each other. Even if something did not work out for one couple, they will find their “second halves”, so to speak, by interest.
Therefore, it is important not only to leave the relationship, but also to work on your awareness. Only by understanding that I am doing this and presenting it to the world, that I am attracting a certain category of individuals into my life, will I be able to change this.
In the meantime, I will shift all the blame on those who were close to me or on circumstances — I will fall into the same trap.
Who is responsible?
There is an opinion that the victims themselves are to blame for what happened. This is partly true. For example, walking late in the park alone is naive to think about safety. Especially if you are in a short skirt or talking on the phone, which is not at all cheap.
But no one is responsible for the actions of another person. Not for how he perceives you. Not for what decision he makes regarding actions and tactics of behavior towards you.
There are many examples of rape, when the girls were not in defiant clothes at all. But for some reason, society tries to justify the criminal by blaming the victims. Like, it’s her own fault, it wasn’t necessary …
Do you know why this happens? Such is human psychology. If we know that we are in danger at any moment, we risk becoming paranoid. And so, when there is at least some minor detail, so to speak, an instruction, then there is a feeling of imaginary security.
For example, I will call a taxi so as not to return home along an unlit street when night has come — then nothing terrible will happen to me. Becomes calmer. But the options for an accident, the inadequacy of the drivers themselves, and so on are excluded.
Therefore, in order to protect those who find themselves in an unpleasant situation through no fault of their own, but who receive the condemnation of society, the term “victimity” is used in Europe as rarely as possible.
How to prevent?
Mindfulness
In order not to get into unpleasant situations, try to be attentive to what is happening in the surrounding reality. Because, immersion in your inner world at the moment when you are in a public place is not very safe.
Very often attacks are carried out under the influence of the situation. It’s harder to rob a man who keeps an eye on his valuables by holding them with his hand than someone whose wallet or phone sticks out of his pants while riding the subway at rush hour. And even more so if he is immersed in his thoughts or listens to music on headphones.
Personal space
Nobody has the right to hurt you. And you don’t have to endure something just because someone else wants it. Be sensitive to yourself and your desires.
If you allow you to be treated as you please with complete impunity, then do not expect that the people around you will “wake up” conscience or kindness and they themselves will come to the idea that they are doing bad things.
Helplessness provokes violence. A person, as it were, is trying to discover boundaries beyond which it is already impossible to go.
For example, when a man starts pestering a woman, and she hides her eyes, showing with all her appearance that she is ready to meekly obey, there are high chances that she will not be healthy. And if she initially declares that she is not from the timid, simply saying loudly: “Man, what are you doing?” – a high probability that the rapist retreats. Most of them do not like to attract attention, otherwise their impunity will be threatened.
After all, the tendency to violence is usually in people who are weak, not particularly developed and conscious. Therefore, they enjoy power over defenseless people, the idea that someone will obey their will. Think for yourself, a successful person who has realized his desires, created a happy and healthy relationship — is it necessary to attack others in order to profit or feel superior?
Control
If you are an aggressive enough person, learn to deal with feelings and stop yourself before you provoke a conflict. You can dump energy in safer conditions. Go in for sports and meditation. Pay attention to self-development to develop new, healthier ways of responding to stress. No matter how difficult it may seem — if desired, a person is capable of much. So why shouldn’t it work for you?
Self defense
Learn not only to defend your personality verbally, but also go to self-defense courses, do some kind of martial arts. Your goal is to feel confident that you are able to fight back the offender.
So that you know how to dodge a blow and what to do if you are pushed, grabbed, and so on. Such skills will never hurt, and sometimes they can even save a life.
Caution
A direct look at a subconscious level is read as aggression, an invitation to join the battle. Therefore, the best prevention of adverse consequences will be avoiding eye contact with the aggressor.
Even if someone is acting provocatively in a public place, try to refrain from staring at them. Otherwise, he will notice this and pay attention to you, making you the so-called «scapegoat».
It’s better, of course, to leave this place, but if it’s not possible, keep calm and look confident. To make it easier, you can enlist the support of others by looking through the eyes of those who you could rely on, ask for help, in which case, and so on.
Completion
Be careful, dear readers, take care of yourself and your loved ones! And to become more confident in your strengths, resources and capabilities, I recommend that you read the article, which is located at this link. Then even the thought will not arise that you belong to the category of victim people.
The material was prepared by a psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina