Contents
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Love addiction is an obsessive state in which people are emotionally dependent on each other. Such an unhealthy fixation on relationships, which are synonymous with pain and suffering.
And today we will try to figure out why it occurs, and how it can be cured. Ready?
What is it like?
Dependence leads to the loss of freedom, self-esteem, and in general knowledge, ideas about oneself.
Experiences, mostly of a negative nature, provoke the development of psychosomatic diseases. Some of them may be chronic, and some may even be incurable.
Often, a person with addictive behavior is overtaken by depression, insomnia and nervous exhaustion, against which mental disorders may well appear.
These are all severe cases, basically, with mild forms, a person simply experiences pain, anger and disappointment too often.
He is deprived of peace and a sense of peace, when you can afford to relax and calmly look into the future, enjoying the present.
According to statistics, love addiction occurs more often in women. They are more emotional than men, and almost from childhood they dream of meeting the one with whom they will finally find happiness and solve all their problems.
Naturally, we are talking about most cases, people are different, often there are representatives of the strong half of humanity who cannot live a day without drama and suffering.
In a couple, both partners are usually dependent, even if one of them tries to distance themselves, otherwise their union would end.
You can often find a situation where a woman is trying to get the attention of her man, spending every second next to him, and he, on the contrary, avoids her.
For example, he “acquires” a mistress, “goes” into alcoholism or is fond of computer games.
Or, let’s say, the most common workaholism among men, which is also socially approved, attractive, usually «paired» with shopaholism.
The perfect combination, the husband constantly disappears at work and is simply unable to stop, relax.
And the wife, trying to fill the inner void due to the lack of intimacy in her life, makes countless unnecessary purchases. Which give an illusory feeling of satisfaction and saturation.
Such an addictive family with different forms of manifestation of obsessive states. But in fact — the meaning is the same, just the objects are different.
Characterization
Now I bring to your attention the characteristics of healthy and unhealthy relationships, so that you can clearly see the difference between them. So, the main and most common signs:
Addictive Relationships
- A person tolerates and forgives humiliation, insults, and often beatings. Even despite the fact that he had never allowed anyone else to treat him like that before;
- If there is no object of adoration nearby, he experiences a breakdown, he has no mood and no desires, except to be near him as soon as possible;
- Often there is a thought that it’s time to leave, to find someone else with whom, finally, it will be fine;
- I want to avenge the suffering experienced, to hurt in response, so that the partner understands how it is, to suffer because of him;
- Devaluation of one’s «I» and needs. This manifests itself when a person tries to «deserve» the location and, of course, love, acceptance of his beloved. Why obeys, pleases and does not realize his desires;
- He is afraid to declare negatively colored emotions, because he thinks that this will lead to a break, and indeed, will upset the partner. And losing him is like death. Therefore, such people are ready for anything, just to avoid it. Despite the fact that being together is unbearable and excruciatingly painful, malicious;
- Unreasonably jealous, do not trust. In extreme cases, they are blackmailed and deliberately manipulated in an effort to arouse sympathy and at least some attention. They can arrange surveillance, check the phone and make scandals if they notice that a “close” person looked at someone with interest;
- When it comes to jealousy, addicts can compete with more than just contenders for the heart and body of their loved one. But also with friends, pets, hobbies and so on. In general, the enemy is absolutely everything that distracts his attention.
Healthy
- They are able to feel happiness, joy, pleasure and other pleasant feelings, regardless of whether there is a partner nearby or not. Simply put, they are comfortable when they are together, but at the same time they also feel great apart;
- It is more important for them to know that a loved one is alive, healthy and happy, even if somewhere far away.
- Defend their boundaries, respecting the partner’s personal space. If they don’t like something, they can say it directly, so as not to endure and accumulate irritation.
- They fulfill themselves without waiting for someone else to show up and do the work for them.
- Entering into an alliance, they do not “abandon” their friends, former hobbies, just to be together every minute.
- The democratic type of relations prevails. That is, when power is not reserved exclusively for one person, but is replaced. For example, in the topics of repair, the husband is in charge, and the wife decorates the interior, the place and time of the vacation are chosen together. At the same time, the preferences of both partners are taken into account, they discuss the nuances and agree, and do not blame and humiliate each other if the desires do not match.
- They respect and value a loved one, not trying to “re-educate” him for themselves.
Causes
Social stereotypes
Think of any movie or book that talks about love. If the hero suffered, forgave betrayal, endured humiliation, waited for years and, despite everything, overcame any obstacles, just to be close to his loved one, then we are talking about real feelings. Is not it?
Such stories cause envy and a strong desire to experience this at least once in a lifetime. Otherwise, it can be argued that he lived in vain. Although in fact in all such stories we are talking directly about love addiction.
The terrible thing is that children, growing up with examples of unhealthy relationships, take them as their ideal model.
For example, what girl did not dream of being in the place of Juliet, who was lucky enough to know true love so early?
And who did not sympathize with Anna Karenina, who became a victim of her own feelings for Vronsky, thereby justifying her suicide?
Education
Family scenarios have a huge impact on the way you build relationships with yourself, other people, and the world at large.
If a child saw how, for example, a mother suffers from beatings and drunkenness of her father. But at the same time, he continues to live with him under the same roof, sometimes risking his own life — then, most likely, he will appropriate a similar pattern of behavior.
Let him not repeat the life story of his parents, as if in carbon copy, but, for example, he will not defend himself at some points, believing that it is better to endure.
Because, withstanding injustice and violence, the mother, as it were, projects to her daughter that for family well-being it is necessary to sacrifice oneself.
While the son may «consider» his father’s liberties as an example of the treatment of the female sex.
This is one of the examples and options for the development of events. It happens that a child did not experience parental love, because, for example, he was orphaned early or was abandoned.
Then he can look for in other people what he did not receive in childhood. Wanting to compensate and «plug up» a spiritual hole. But, unfortunately, in this case, the image of the mother is transferred to the woman.
From her then completely different expectations, which, of course, she is unable to justify. For one simple reason — she did not give birth to him. Therefore, feeling dissatisfied and disappointed, he gets angry.
And he shows his anger by beating or humiliating, refusing to talk, and so on. And then it turns out a vicious circle, because both suffer, but they cannot do anything about it.
And it happens that a girl in adolescence takes shape and looks quite sexy, attractive.
The desire that appears as a reaction from the father terrifies him so much that he prefers to distance himself from his daughter altogether.
Then she, not understanding what is happening, feels unnecessary, not valuable, and so on. Especially if the mother unconsciously begins to compete with her at this moment.
Unrealized
If a person is not satisfied with his life, he will try to leave reality, where there are vivid emotions, where there is no boredom and no tension.
Therefore, someone begins to drink alcohol, is fond of gambling, and someone decides to fall in love.
Have you heard beautiful phrases, something like: “Without you, my life was gray and not real”, “Only when you are around, I feel that I am alive”, “With your appearance, I finally understood what happiness is”?
Immersion in relationships that are distracting and take up all the space, on the one hand, brings suffering, but on the other hand, helps a person not to worry about the fact that he is not doing anything for self-realization.
He does not try to know himself, to advance in development, to overcome his own limitations.
How to get rid?
Step 1 — acceptance
Before starting treatment for a disease, a person first needs to discover it and understand that it doesn’t suit him in any way, and he wants to get rid of it. Right?
The same is true with addiction release. Denying the problem and insisting to the last that everything is normal and such problems are found in every family — one does not become emotionally mature and internally free.
If you have thoughts that at any moment you can pull yourself together and end the relationship, and in general, stop experiencing unpleasant emotions, then you should know that you are deceiving yourself. And continuing to build illusions further, you will only worsen your situation.
Therefore, it is so important to admit that you are in a difficult situation, becoming its hostage. And to get free, you have to work hard and survive.
Only by mentally setting yourself up for hard work, you will master the road that lies ahead.
Step 2 — Increase self-esteem
A person who values himself, respects and loves, will not allow others liberties and shameless, cruel treatment. Yes, and it is also less likely to get addicted. Engage in the restoration of identity and self-worth.
If you love yourself, you will simply no longer need to “plug” a hole in your chest due to lack of attention from parents in childhood and other psychological trauma.
You can find peace within yourself, not necessarily trying to find it at the expense of other people.
So, we recommend doing self-assessment at this stage. Exercises that will help increase it, you will find at this link.
step 3 — joy
The addictive personality lives as if under anesthesia. Her feelings are devoted to the object of her love, or connected with him. It doesn’t matter if they’re nice or not.
So, try to remember what brought you joy and pleasure, only so that your partner does not participate in this.
For example, you loved to dance, but had to give up training because there was no time, and quarrels arose because of jealousy.
How long have you spent time with friends without feeling remorse and then paying for your “misconduct”?
Maybe you have always dreamed of learning how to draw, but never dared to start? Right now is just the time when you need to “turn on” healthy egoism and take care of yourself and your interests.
Pamper your “inner child”, adult life is sometimes so difficult, but if you add even a little joy and lightness to it, then the need for emotional unhealthy attachment to someone will not arise.
4th step — psychotherapy
No matter how well you manage to cope with difficulties on your own, in order to get rid of addiction, it is important to contact a psychotherapist for qualified help.
The recommendation to go to a psychologist is usually taken critically. In the post-Soviet countries, a culture of caring for one’s mental health is just beginning to emerge.
Not every person observes physiological hygiene, let alone emotional. This means timely diagnosis, treatment if necessary and compliance with the instructions of doctors.
More often, a negative reaction occurs in men who are accustomed to the image of a strong person who never shows his weaknesses.
Or rather, they were not used to it, they just had to “take it over”. After all, men do not cry, they are not afraid, right? This is taught by some parents from infancy. And there is also a stereotype that only “sick” people go for an appointment.
In general, there can be a lot of reasons for not getting support. But it is in the process of therapy that you will be able to realize the reasons that provoked the emergence of addictive behavior.
And then, starting from them, freeing yourself from repressed or accumulated feelings, you will be able to begin the process of work on liberation and becoming yourself as a mature, independent and conscious person.
Completion
If you have developed bad habits because of your worries, for example, smoking or the need to drink alcohol daily, be sure to deal with them as well.
If you change your life for the better, then there should be no unhealthy ways to cope with stress.
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Be happy!
The material was prepared by a psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina