Where does incest begin?

“Sometimes my father came into the bathroom when I was in the shower … And, of course, it was unpleasant for me that he was looking at me … But do not exaggerate — he did not rape me!” Evidence of this kind is often heard by psychoanalysts and psychotherapists. And they know how important it is to treat these words with the utmost attention — after all, to remain silent in response would mean involuntarily agreeing that incest occurs only where there is a physical act of violence. And thus support the desperate, but unfulfillable desire of their patient to drive away, to put aside the painful feeling: “No, there was no incest in my family!” But then where does this suffering come from?

Understanding its true causes is all the more necessary because today it is customary to consider incest only sexual relations between a father and daughter, or a situation where parents literally sexually stimulate a child. In fact, everything is much more complicated: incest does not begin with genital contact, just as it is not limited to the relationship between a daughter and a father. And it happens more often than we think.

Event participants

What are the experts talking about? First, not only fathers are guilty of incestuous relationships, but also mothers, uncles, grandfathers, stepfathers, nannies, or family friends.

Secondly, such a relationship between brother and sister causes harm to both, the extent of which it is even difficult for outsiders to imagine.

Thirdly, incest is not necessarily heterosexual, it can also be homosexual in nature (mother-daughter, father-son). And finally, it can concern not only large, but also very small children — under five years old, and sometimes even babies.

The acts of incest themselves are also very different. So, if the most frank of them are directed directly at the genitals or anus of the child, then other parts of his body, his skin, or even sight and hearing can be used in others. When a child witnesses what is happening in the parent’s bedroom, his experiences and emotions turn him into an unwitting «partner» of adult sexual games.

Psychotherapists emphasize that relatives guilty of incest most often commit acts that are not related to direct genital violence, since in this case the child’s body outwardly remains unharmed, without those “marks” that can become evidence. Although such episodes always leave indelible marks on the child’s psyche and on his physical sense of self.

taboo atmosphere

But the matter is not limited to this long list of adult actions that are detrimental to the child, since along with incest, the ban on which should be unconditional, there is also what psychoanalysts call the «atmosphere of incest.» That is, all those features of adult behavior — gestures, postures, glances — that cause a child or adolescent to experience feelings of excruciating awkwardness and anxiety, the cause of which he cannot really determine.

Experts insist that it would be a serious mistake not to attach importance to such a situation — for a child it is extremely destructive. After all, the uncertainty of the situation deprives him of clear guidelines, thereby making his suffering all-pervading, “limitless”.

A child, and later an adolescent, will not be able to clearly say: «I was done this» — and thereby fairly recognize that he was a victim. Moreover: if he decides to protest, an adult can always be indignant: “What are you inventing!” Or even blame your victim: “You yourself are not all right in the head!”

Thus, the atmosphere of incest always turns out to be a secret, a tightly locked «trap», which is not easy to open even in the process of psychotherapy. But it’s still possible, experts say. And they list a number of characteristic features that make it possible to identify such dangerous situations.

Signs of incest

1. Eroticization of relationships

The first of them is the erotic coloring of the relationship between parents and children, the lack of chastity in them. Such relationships carry a significant amount of sexuality — despite the fact that neither adults nor children may be aware of this.

A similar situation may arise due to the fact that in the family where one of the parents grew up, a clear prohibition on incest was also not established. Such an adult knows that the child cannot be a sexual object for him, but unconsciously does not accept this.

For example, a father whose attitude towards his daughter is quite ambiguous: looks that show desire, kisses that “accidentally” can slip from the cheek to the lips, hands that linger in paternal caress.

Or a mother who flirts in front of her teenage son, trying on dresses in his presence and obviously trying to arouse his admiration, which she lacks in the eyes of others.

Another example: experienced psychotherapists sometimes experience doubt when they hear a story about frequent «friendly fights» between father and son at the reception. “They almost every day roll around in an embrace on the carpet — for them this is their favorite pastime!” Such wordless fights are certainly not a random game, but the only form of relationship that both of their participants maintain. And here the question arises for the specialist: what emotions — perhaps experienced sometime in his youth — are the father unconsciously looking for in these competitions, which are always erotic for the child in their own way?

An incest atmosphere also arises in those families where parents do not know how and (sometimes unconsciously) do not want to let their children go — into an adult, independent life. After all, the most important goal of raising a child is to help him prepare for parting with his parental family and create his own: “When you grow up, you will no longer live with us. You will have a loved one, your own home, work … «

It is not always easy to implement this plan: in order to leave your family — that is, to leave it «outside», into the world around you — it is necessary that this world does not seem to the child something frightening and dangerous for him. And so that he does not have the feeling that, going “outside”, he thereby destroys what remains “inside” — his parents. In this sense, fathers and mothers, for whom children serve as a kind of “compensation”, making up for what is missing in their lives, make the process of separation especially difficult.

2. No boundaries

To grow up and safely separate from the family, the child also needs the opportunity to dispose of himself. That is, to feel like a «separate», separated from others by a person who clearly feels the boundaries of his — both physical and mental — space, has his own thoughts and desires («I think so, I want so») and is sure that loved ones recognize and respect him as a person.

Although psychotherapists regretfully confirm that not all children have such an opportunity. Indeed, some families exist not as a union of independent individuals who live together and enjoy it, but as a kind of formless mass in which everyone is merged with everyone else, where everyone is not a separate person, but an indefinite part of a common space.

This «non-separation», experts explain, can be seen at several levels. For example, at the level of the body — as in that family of four, where only two towels always hung in the bathroom: one «for the top» (the upper body of all family members — both parents and children), the other «for the bottom» — too for the whole family. Moreover, it must be emphasized that there was no shortage of finances or hygiene items in that family.

Another example is the level of intimacy: these are families where it is not customary to close the doors of the toilet or bathroom, where everyone is always and in front of everyone. Such a constant intrusion of someone else’s gaze violates the physical space of a growing child and prevents him from building his own «I».

It is especially dangerous that the child always perceives such a situation as corresponding to the wishes of his parents: “If they do not close the doors, it means that they enjoy the fact that they are looking at me. And from the fact that I look at them.

Another level is control: when parents insistently want to know literally everything about their child. They do not allow him any «their» life, eavesdrop on his conversations, read his personal correspondence … They strive to «master» the child — in every sense of the word — so much so that if he does not «tell them everything», this is equated to a lie.

Finally, the “non-separation” of child and adult sexuality can also manifest itself in words, for example, if an adult initiates a child into the details of his intimate life. And also in the actions already mentioned — when the child can hear or observe the sexual relations of the parents.

Such a situation is certainly fatal for him: interest makes him spy on what is happening, and a painful feeling of guilt settles in him. And most importantly, what he sees often becomes a source of excitement for him, he masturbates — and becomes, albeit at a distance, the sexual «partner» of his parents.

3. «Inseparability» of the sexes

The absence of other — symbolic — boundaries can contribute to the emergence of an incest atmosphere in the family. For example, between different generations: when a child sees that the grandmother competes and argues endlessly with the mother because of his upbringing; that the father flirts with the teenage son’s girlfriends, etc.

Another example: the place of each in the family is not clearly defined — the child sleeps with one of the parents, while the other is sent to sleep on the sofa. He takes part in all the conversations of adults, and sometimes commands them.

Finally, confusion may arise in the roles of family members of different sexes: a teenager makes his mother (with her full approval) a confidante, «adviser», that is, an accomplice to his love adventures. The daughter goes to buy underwear with her father, because the mother ordered it, too busy with her own affairs.

Psychotherapists insist that such a phenomenon as incest exists among us not only in the form of high-profile crimes, which are discussed in the crime chronicle. Every day in therapists’ offices, hundreds of men and women talk about how incest once interrupted the natural course of their lives. Because it affects a person’s life in the same way that a severe frost affects our blood: it freezes it, it stops it. Incest always leaves deep wounds on the child’s mental and physical sense of self.